The Last Two Years

I am taking a break from my NaNoWriMo this year, which is also the first year I am ever doing it, because I finally remembered this blog, and the need to update it once again.  You see, the last two years has been eventful for us, and I haven't taken the time to update any of my readers.  I am sorry.  I do still exist!  Really, I do!  I kind of entered the world of Youtube and started making videos there, and when I stopped editing the videos and posting them here as well (mostly from my cookbook blog), I just kind of quit altogether.

By the way, we added one more to the mix.

Today is my baby boy's first birthday.  Yup, I didn't write anything in my blog about my struggle with God on His desire to have me give Him control on my fertility again, or about how I finally saw that God really had my best interests in mind and gave Him that control, nor how I got pregnant shortly afterward.  I never wrote about how He gave me all the desires of my heart on the matter, either.  Sad, really.  What a missed opportunity to show how wonderful God truly is!

I did do a vlog on it, however!  Here is the link to the video where I talk about my birth story.

I am so blessed!

I have many videos on that specific channel about mom stuff, Christmas, Vlogtober, and so on.  It is more of my 'mom life' and 'homeschool life' channel.  Oh yeah, did I mention we started homeschooling?  We are entering our third year, and it has been a fun time!  The kids enjoy it, and I have been blessed to make friends with a number of other homeschool moms and families in our area.  I have been taking on less things this year than I did  our first two years, mostly because I just cannot mentally deal with it all, but I still want to do more because the kids love it.  I am a bit introverted and would rather spend all my time at home with my family, so having the homeschool group doing things in the area is fantastic.  Now if only my husband could join us more often.  His work schedule has gotten even busier in the last year, which is crazy to think about.  And this year has put a lot of stress on both him and myself as a result in regards to farming.  We've been needing a lot of prayer.

Speaking of prayer, I need to spend more time praying for a number of things.  One of those things being Christmas.  I have become very depressed about Christmas this year.  I had issues with things last year as well, and it seems I haven't fully dealt with those issues and they are coming back to bother me this year.  I believe Satan is just trying to steal my joy.  And make me feel all the mom guilt.  You see, I have had a busy 2018 with birthday parties (A's 5th, M's 10th, my husband's 40th, and the new little guy's (we'll call him Baby Z) first birthday) and I did nothing for the baby.  Nothing.  His birthday was today and we went and bought him some sleepers because I didn't realize the ones I had added foot windows.  At least 3 sets of sleepers I currently own need to hit the trash.  So, sleepers for his birthday gift.  In all honesty, I have so many baby toys from the other 4 kids, I don't want to get more for him right now.  But, I feel the guilt because I never made him a birthday cake.  I never had anybody over.  I did nothing.  And I don't want to do anything.  I mean, I do... mainly because I know if I don't he'll be asking years down the road why there aren't any pictures of his first birthday party like all his older siblings had.  And I want to celebrate him, too.  But I don't want to bother doing all the work it requires.

You know I will do it anyway, right?  It is just going to be late.

That said, I am dreading Christmas.  I usually love Christmas.  Love it.  I adore all the fun winter activities to do with the kids, the baking, the wrapping and decorating.  This year, I don't want to be bothered with any of it.  I feel like the grinch.  I am sick of the commercialism of it all.  I want my kids to have fun, sure, but if it was just me, I would forget about it completely (except for the Christmas plays, I still enjoy those.  And the music.  I love the carols).  I just feel like it has all become some gag for spending more money on unnecessary things.  I know, that sounds terrible, grinchy, and in all like such an 'un-mom' thing to say, but I am just so tired.  I know my kids are excited for all the things I loved doing with them every year, and I want to be excited for them as well, but I am not.  Partly because I am also tired of doing it all by myself.  My husband, bless him, is working ALL THE TIME.  The farm cannot operate without him, and since before summer, his dad has been unable to do anything in the barn anymore, so he has shouldered all the responsibility his dad had as well as his own stuff.  It is straining him, and he very rarely gets a half day off.  So, I know that anything that requires doing stuff with the kids will require doing it without him.  Which is hard.  Especially for a home-body.

And don't get me started on Christmas shopping.

Most years, I have my stuff half purchased by summer.  Not this year.  I was on declutter mode after Christmas last year, so I didn't buy much of anything.  We have a few items for A, and bought all the pajamas for our Christmas Eve tradition right after Christmas last year, but nothing else.  And then we have ticket gifts to purchase for as well, and I don't see when we can go Christmas shopping at all.  I am trying not to stress out, but I am anyway.  And I am in declutter mode again, as there is so much STUFF in here!  I totally understand why most larger families do less gifts.  IT isn't so much a money thing as it is a space thing!

Anyway, I am rambling.  I'm good at that.  Especially since with NaNoWriMo, we have been told to just type words and not worry about editing.  So, call this my NaNoWroMo entry, hahaha.  Which reminds me, I need to catch up on my word count tomorrow.  I am only at 4800 words, and should be just shy of 6700.  Oops.  At least I finally started the third book of the trilogy I wanted to write... that I wrote the first book of in 2006.  Ouch.  I had to reread the two other books to even remember what I was writing about, and I couldn't remember much of what I even wanted to do with the third book because I cannot find where I wrote it down.  I had a plan for it, but it's gone.  So, new plan.  I'm mostly winging it.

I may never publish this story, but at least I will write it.

Wish me luck!

Extra Cubbies Fun - Christmas Nativities

Welcome to a series I'm doing on Awana Cubbies!  I hope you enjoy your time here.  If you'd like, you can visit my previous posts, or dive right in!

Introduction
How I started down the Appleseed Trail
Bear Hugs 3-6:  God is Creator
Bear Hugs 7-10:  God's Word is Truth

Christmas is always so exciting, and while I know that this post is.. .well... very late, I wanted to post about this now before I forget and never post at all. 

The kids have most of December off from Awana as there are so many activities happening around that time of year with church and school plays, gatherings, and so on.  So, for us this year, the last day of Cubbies was on December 9th, 2015.  I wanted to do something for Christmas with the kids, but since we were working on Unit 2, God's Word is Truth, with the focus on the story of Adam and Eve, I wasn't quite sure how to fit it all in.  I ended up doing the main lesson for bear hug 9 (I joined 9 and 10 as BH10 is review anyway and I had only 25 total Awana nights to fit in all 28 sections).  The bear hug lesson ends with the sad story of Adam and Eve needing to leave the garden.  It then goes on to tell the kids that God still loved them, and because He loves us, He sent His Son (remembering the Cubbies key verse of 1 John 4:10, God loved us and sent His Son).  So, I used that portion of the lesson to add in a picture from the Christmas lesson (yes, there is a Christmas lesson.  I'd love to do these extra lessons as well, but then I'd need 32 weeks).  And with that, I told the kids about the fun activity we had planned.... Gingerbread Nativities!

Ok, ok... in reality they were graham cracker nativities (I didn't want to have to bake enough gingerbread for 20 houses).  I found an awesome recipe for icing that was quite solid right away and worked really well for the project.  I also cut the graham crackers so that each child needed 2 full crackers for their project.  Otherwise, it was fairly simple.

I took one graham cracker and cut it at an angle to get the two side walls.  The second cracker was cut in half for the roof, with the other half cut in half for the back wall, and then the last quarter was halved again to make the manger.  It was all assembled on a paper plate (not the Styrofoam ones... they aren't as sturdy and the icing sticks better to these plates, even if they cost a little bit more.  Plus, I had a craft in January that needed paper plates as the kids would be coloring on them with crayons.  Styrofoam isn't as good for that, either).

I decided I didn't want too much sugar for the kiddos, so I bought gumdrops, some traditional candies, and then used mostly Froot Loops, pretzel sticks, and shredded wheat for added color, wood, and hay.  I also found some gingerbread men at Walmart.  We added a staff for good measure.  Get some animal crackers and you are all set!

And helpers.  You will need lots of helpers on the day the kids are decorating, especially for a preschool group.  Ask parents a week or two before hand if they are able to assist during that time.  One helper for every 2-3 kids is ideal.

I spent a lot of time prepping for this one!  Two days before the event, it is a good idea to make a 'demo' version to make sure you have what you need.  Make sure you cut all the pieces (and a few extra) at home, and get everything ready to bring down to the place you'll be making these.  The day before the event, head there with all your stuff.  Cover the workspace with paper for easy cleanup, take your bag of icing and all your plates and cut graham crackers, and start assembly!  They really don't take too long.  I found that once I was working on assembly, each nativity only took about one to two minutes. 

On the day of, I had all my helpers use the icing bags (I made sure I had 6 bags of icing, but really should have had more... oh well, you live and learn I suppose), and the kids had fun using the goodies to decorate.  You cannot see it in this picture, but I made sure each plate had equal amounts of the gingerbread men, the gumdrops, the traditional candies, and the animal crackers as I didn't have an 'unlimited quantity' of those.  The rest of the ingredients went into bowls on each of the tables.

In all, it was a very fun activity!  The kids loved it!  Make sure you have one helper going around and labelling the kids plates so you know whose is whose!  And if you can get pictures of the kids, the parents would probably appreciate receiving those photos in their email (make sure you got permissions from the parents at the beginning of the year before taking photos of their kids, please).

And now, because I can, I made a video of the process!!  Yay!

Icing recipe
1 lb icing sugar (about 4 cups)
3 Tbsp meringue powder
4-6 Tbsp water.

Mix.  Add water one Tbsp at a time.  You want the mixture to be thick like toothpaste.  If you run your knife through it, you need to see a trench where the knife was.  But it still needs to flow through a piping bag.

Get enough bags for your leaders.  Actual disposable piping bags are best, but if you don't have a shop that sells those near you, a ziplock with a hole cut in the corner will work nicely.  Make sure they are a more sturdy bag (freezer bags will not break as easily), and seal the top (use rubber bands as extra insurance if needed... I didn't, but out of six bags, only one popped open).  I needed twice this recipe for 20 houses, and could have probably done with more (and had more bags).  I would suggest making a single batch, and then using it to assemble your houses prior to your Cubbies night.  Make more and separate into bags prior to arriving.

Other needed items
for 20 nativities, I needed the following:
20 paper plates
2 boxes of Honeymaid graham crackers
1 box Froot Loops
1 bag pretzel sticks
1 box Shredded Wheat
at least 3 animal crackers per child
1 box little gingerbread men (from Walmart.  There was not quite enough for each child to have 2, unfortunately)
some little candies of various sorts, separated per child.
two or three batches of above icing recipe

After all was said and done, it came out to about $2 per child, but with enough left over for more snacks (the Froot Loops were used in BH13, and the paper plates were used in BH12, and the pretzels were used for BH11)... so that is not bad considering the rest of the ingredients were used over another 3 weeks.

For more fun ideas, you can visit my pinterest page.  Hope you all had a great Christmas... even if it was a month ago!

Are we ready?

Christmas is here.  Are you 'ready'?

Something I find myself asking myself every year.  Something people say often.  Something we are always wondering.  Are we ready? 

Ready for what, exactly?  Ready for opening presents?  Ready with wrapped gifts, stocking stuffers, planned meals, food, goodies, treats, cards, trimmings and decorations?  What exactly do we mean when we ask ourselves, 'are we ready'?

I wonder if perhaps we are thinking about the wrong things when we think of being ready.  After all, I have been taught that Christmas is not about the presents under the tree.  It isn't about the traditions, the decorations, the tree, the garlands, wreaths, turkey, stuffing, or pie.  No, I was taught that it was a celebration of the birth of our King... our Saviour, Jesus Christ the Lord.  So, when I ask 'am I ready', I should really be looking at the state of my heart rather than the state of my house.  How does my heart look?  Have I prepared my heart and mind for Jesus, filling it with gifts of love for Him, preparing myself to give my all to Him for yet another year?  Am I 'ready' for the things He will be bringing to my life in the coming days/weeks/months/years?  Am I 'ready', am I humbled, am I in awe of the gift that He gave by giving up His divine power, wrapping Himself in the womb of the woman He created, and being born as a helpless baby, completely dependant on a young man and a young woman, both having never had a baby before, both completely inexperienced as parents, both realizing that this child was bigger than even they could possibly hope to imagine?  And all this because He loved me?  A sinner?  A child who hadn't even been born yet?  A seemingly insignificant speck of a person in the grand lifetimes of many who have gone before me, and the many that will come after? 

Am I ready for His outpouring of Love upon this body?  The knowledge of what He did, of what He would yet have to do?  And of what He is doing now?

Am I ready to give the only gift I have to Him who gave me everything?  The only thing I have, which isn't even worthy of Him, but is all He asks of me?  No pretty paper, no gift tag, no sparkle or shine...

Just me.  All of me.

Am I ready for Christmas?  Am I ready to accept that I have a gift to give, one that is not easy to give, one that I try to take back even when I have already given it... one which He patiently and lovingly waits for every day? 

Am I ready to give myself to Him?  Am I ready to give the control I so crave over to Him?

Sure, Christmas is a wonderful time!  It is a celebration of His ultimate gift, of His sacrifice.  Of the promise fulfilled in that tiny baby in a manger, the promise of the Saviour given to God's people after sin entered the world through the first two people God made on this earth.  It is filled with fun, family, gifts, food, and good times with friends.  But what is it really about?  What are we really preparing for?

Am I ready for Christmas?

The Paint is Complete!!

So, I know I didn't post last week, but I was very busy trying to put the finishing touches on our bedroom.  You see, after posting about my son's finished paint in his room, we moved the kids into there (it was quite crowded... all four of us had all of our clothing in the same closet.  No joke) and I did my best to empty out their old bedroom (quite the task, that.  Sorry I didn't take pictures, actually.  Too crazy to think about it).  Well, we moved them, and I was able to paint our room.

 

My mom came over and helped me move the last bit of stuff out on my birthday.  Then we took out the few pieces of baseboard that were there, mudded whatever needed it, and on Friday I washed all the walls and started to prime what was needing primer (I left all the old trim around doors/closets/window and just painted them white).  Saturday, I finished up with primer and started what I thought was paint.  Not paint.  Different primer.  Sigh.  Did a fresh coat of actual white paint later that evening (really late) and then on Sunday I finished up the white paint.  Saturday we went to look at paint mistints and I found a lovely yellow color that happened to match a chip I had pulled out that I liked.  I also found a small can of pink for M's room.  So.. for $20, we had paint.  I painted the walls... one coat Sunday evening, one Monday morning (of the yellow) and then I couldn't decide what color I wanted the feature wall.  Was aiming for a dark brown/reddish color, but since I didn't know for sure, we just used what we already had (which actually matched the carpet pretty nicely and lends itself well to a grey/yellow color scheme).  It turned out quite pretty.  Finished painting 3 coats of that (yeah... weird that it needed 3 coats)... and then had issues.  I washed the carpet before bed... took over an hour.  Found out afterwards that the cleaner didn't have the brushes attached.  Had to start all over again at midnight in order to be able to move our stuff in the next day.

 

I cried.  A lot.  This whole week I've been on waterworks setting.

 

Anyway, Tuesday I cut the baseboards (and made so many rookie mistakes with that too... overtired, I swear) and put them in.  Looks so nice with them in!  We moved our bed and bedside tables (I will need to go over the hallways for paint touch-ups now... it happens), and we left our clothes in Bram's room.  Yes... we kept sharing that closet.  It was weird, that is for sure!

 

 

That corner is where I wish to put the 'baby area'... cradle, the dresser will double as a change table (I have cloth diapers in there already, and washed most of the 0-3 month girls clothes which are in there as well).  I want to move the rocking chair down into the corner as well, and perhaps have a bit of a table there for my devotional area.  We were thinking of having a fireplace by the closet since this room needs a space heater anyway, but I don't think we will be able to fit all that furniture in this room.  Perhaps after the baby is moved into the nursery upstairs...

 

Wednesday I got our old room cleared completely (this is to be M's new room), we moved some more stuff around a bit, and we put in the wall panels (with insulation for sound proofing) in on that side of the room.  Took longer than I thought and I did not get to prime like I wanted to.  Ah well.  Primed the walls that needed it on Thursday... first coat.  Early on Friday I primed second coat.  These pics are after first coat, as I couldn't decide if I wanted to prime the second dark green wall and the doors, or just the wall, or just leave it and have less work to do altogether.  I went with the in between... doors stayed dark, and look fine. 

The first coat of pink I mixed ended up looking like pepto bismol on the wall, so I added a bit of a grey/purple to the mix, made as much as I could, and then tried again.  Barely had enough to cover the walls.  I made my own chalkboard paint (measure 3 Tbsp cornstarch, 1/4 cup water, and then fill till two cups with regular old wall paint and you have chalkboard paint... at least I hope so.).  Made a bit of a darker pink paint for that part.  M loves it.  She is so excited! 

She decorated her room straight away.  Nothing is allowed on the walls until Christmas though, as it needs that long for all the paint to completely dry.  Also, we used our old curtains in here for now.  I'd love to do a grey/pink/black/white thing for fabrics.  Like... black and white or grey and white gingham for curtains (or at least the bottom trim of the curtain) would be pretty.

Yesterday I got the majority of the clothes all moved into their appropriate closets.  Moved a lot of stuff, actually.  Worked myself to exhaustion.  At least now all our clothes are in the right rooms.  You should see how much stuff my husband is getting rid of in his clothes!  We can fit all our stuff into one closet without any trouble (although, my wedding dress and some of my costumes are staying in the walk-in closet in Bram's room regardless.  He doesn't need that much closet space anyway.)

Here is my son's room without his sister's bed in it.  Cozy... but with a huge closet space that I'm hoping to store some of his toys in for playtime as well.

Here is his closet.  It has all the bedding stuffs in there right now, too.  That will change, I'm sure.  And all the clothes in diaper boxes that he will grow into over the years.  And some very empty 'shoe' organizers we use for pants, underwear, etc.

Oh, and as if that all wasn't exciting enough, we now have a new infant car seat that my husband picked up on a sale while it was also a no tax day!  Yay!  Graco seat regularly at $150 around here, plus tax, and we got it for $96. 

And add to the excitement, Monday we put up the Christmas tree with lights and the train (which is very lopsided and needs some fixing... somehow... that bracket does not like to stick to the tree very well).  Today the kids and I finished decorating (they wanted to put up every single ornament we own... after awhile I just started cleaning them up as I do not like the idea of having to put these ornaments away after the season is over).  It looks nice and festive again.  M is so excited!  Today we also wrapped a few of the presents (I have more to wrap, just didn't get to them).  Now to haul the decoration boxes back to the basement...

 

Christmas is coming!  Have you started your advent yet?

Cost breakdown of the two into three room renovation:
 - wall panels - $60
 - 2x4's <$10
 - mud/tape $10
 - hardware/electrical <$5
 - paint $40
 - baseboards/trim $60

Total cost - <$185 (and completed in 4 weeks)
Not bad for a complete redo of bedrooms!  Yay!

DIY Gift Baskets

My daughter was recently invited to a birthday party.  She was insistent on giving nail polish as a gift, but nail polish by itself isn't very fancy, so I decided we'd go to the local dollar store and pick up a few things to go with the nail polish that would give the gift a little extra flair.

 

I don't know how many of you are into pinterest (me... I'm addicted.  I should start a Pinterest Anonymous group with how bad I am, haha), but there are so many ideas on there for making your own gifts.  I always love gift baskets with lots of fun little things that go with a theme.  So, we made a 'nail box'.  I guess it would be better termed a manicure box, but my baby brain isn't exactly great with words lately.

 

It's actually quite easy.  Just pick a theme, and go with it.  Grab a nice container to put everything in, a number of small items to go with your basic idea, tuck some tissue paper in a coordinating color into the container and add your items to it, then wrap the whole thing in cellophane and add a ribbon.

 

One big reason to keep your tissue paper, gift bags, and cellophane... makes for some great wrapping ideas later for zero cost.

 

 

 Here is the package, all wrapped up and ready to go into the gift bag.

 

 For a little added fun, I thought it would be nice to add a 'decorate your nail box' kit.  Included are various gemstone stickers, other stickers, flowers, ribbon, an alphabet sticker book (so she can put her name on it), and glitter glue of various colors.  The little girls I know (and when I was little, too) love stickers, sparkles, glitter, and pink/purple/green!

 

So, what sorts of ideas would you have for homemade gift baskets?  Here are a few of my own ideas, the sky's the limit!

1. Spa basket (bath bombs, bubble bath, loofah, facials, bath salts, perfume, talc powder, etc)
2. manicure/pedicure basket (comfy socks, nail polish, nail files, lotion, nail brushes, etc)
3. basket of ones favorite color (green basket, for example, with various items inside that are green)
4. baking/cookie basket (spoons, measuring cups, chocolate chips, baking mix, egg timer, candy thermometer, etc)
5. tea/coffee basket (tea infuser, various types of tea/coffee, mug, chocolate spoon, peppermint, marshmallows (in case you want to do cocoa), etc)
6. Lego basket (lego magazine, minifigures, lego 'soap', lego cookies, lego head mug, lego key chains or holders, etc)
7. Hello Kitty basket (anything Hello Kitty works in here)
8. Chocolate basket (yeah... chocolates of various types, hot cocoa mix in a mug, chocolate spoons, etc)
9. baby basket (booties, wipes, cloths, diapers, mitts, hangers, onesie, socks, bottle, soothers, put it all in a cute decorative box for the parents to store their diapers)
10. Mickey/Minnie/Princess basket (you could do any favorite character here)
11. Writer's/Artist's basket (art supplies, pens, pretty stationary, sketch pad, paint, clay, you could go with any specific art theme that your recipient is into at the time... beading, clay work, painting, drawing, writing, etc)
12. Office basket (cute magnetic notepads, magnets, sticky notes, cute pens/pencils/erasers, fun paper clips, mini binders/staplers/anything (because minis are adorable), office organizer, etc)
13. tool basket (I'd put this into a tool belt and include various tools the recipient needs, and I'd add a measuring tape.  As a woodworker, I never seem to find mine when I need them and I only have two.  Well... one.  I'm not sure where my blue one wandered off to.)
14. camping basket (include travelling soaps, spices, matches/lighter, campfire starters, etc)
15. sports basket (magazines, various little items that go with the sport like golf tees/balls, or gloves, tickets to a game, snacks for watching a game, etc)
16. games night (board game of choice, snacks of various kinds, playing cards, pad of paper and pencil (for keeping score), a snack bowl to put everything in, coasters, cups with drink mixes, beverage of choice, straws, etc)
17. Animal lover basket (dog, cat, or whatever animal it is, put in some food, maybe a leash, there are lots of fun recipes for dog treats online that you could put in a jar with a dog bone cookie cutter, claw clippers, etc)

I'd love to see your own ideas for baskets in the comments!  Maybe ideas for things you'd like for yourself.  ;)

Do You Ever Wonder

A warning to anyone who is reading... my thoughts are going to be all over the place. This blog post is a bearing of my heart right now. It is something I haven't done in a long time...

Lately, around the holidays I begin to ask myself the same question.  Each year it's the same.  Why do we do this?  What is this all for?  After all, we live and then we die.  Things are nothing more than 'things'.  And things in and of themselves are not important to me... which is possibly why I feel this way each year at this time.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like making gifts.  On the contrary.  I absolutely love making gifts!  I love crafting and creating special things for the special people in my life!  And there are so many special people in my life that it is hard for myself to limit how many gifts I make!  I had many gifts on the list of 'to do's' for the year that never were made.  At all.  I think I will attempt them for next year (and should start on them now already, no joke).  However, I overwork myself, and begin to wonder what it is all for.  It's my own fault, I guess.  I also find myself wondering about whether what I am making is something the person is really going to like... or if it is good enough.  It really doesn't help me much.

Where the kids are concerned, it is really hard for me.  We do Christmas eve at my inlaws, and they buy so many toys for the kids that it makes me feel like a bad parent for not giving as much as they do. I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but about the love, the time with family, and the time we spend together and on each other... showing love to each other because of the gift of love that was given that very first Christmas, so long ago.  However, you can't help but feel a responsibility as a parent to make sure you are the one your kids are excited about getting gifts from the most... if you know what I mean?  After all, we are the parents.  Right?  Or maybe I've got it all wrong?  I mean, the amount of toys they get each year is one of the reasons I said that this year I was not buying anything, and I told the kids that.  They understood that the items they were going to get from us this year were all going to be handmade or second hand (like clothes).  And I have to say that it made my heart feel good when my daughter came up to me after they had been playing with their handmade items for awhile, gave me a hug and said 'thank you mommy, I love my presents'.  It really did!  So... after all was said and done, I feel it was worth it. 

But getting there was such a battle!

The Christmas baking... I wanted to bake so many goodies for people!  So very many!  However, the time it takes... I just never got around to about half the things I wanted to make, and almost had to force myself to make some of the things I'd never made before as I was scared of screwing up.  And I did screw up.  I had to restart a recipe completely as I totally messed it up at first.  I was lucky that the ingrediants were the same as that of the next recipe, so it worked out ok in the end.  Didn't prevent me from having a complete and utter cry over it all.

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Just about every day this last week or week and a half I've been sobbing over something.  I've found that I feel dejected.  I feel depressed.  I'm so happy to make things for people, and so glad to make others happy and make them feel loved... but... I feel so dejected myself.  I feel empty.  I feel drained.

I've been trying to figure out what my problem is.  I never had this before.  I've always been happy with anything, satisfied with life as it is, and thrilled to see what I can do to make it better for myself and those around me.  But with how things have been the last few months, the stress has been taking it's toll...

I've been completely drained.  Emotionally and physically... and perhaps even spiritually which is worst of all.

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling lonely.  Forgotten.  As though the only thing that matters in my family to the people around us is my children.  And I love my children!  I'm so glad everyone wants to be around them, and that people love them so much!  I would do anything for them, anything to protect them!  But... I've been feeling forgotten. As though my children are the only reason I'm visited or noticed (not by everyone, thankfully... I just guess that with how busy things are that I don't get visitors often as is).  I feel by one specific person as though I myself am only important for one thing... raising these children.  And I'm glad that I get to raise them!  Really, I am!  I feel so blessed that God has placed them in our lives, and I wouldn't change that for the world!  But I want to be 'me' as well.  I want to be recognized as a person beyond the mom of my children.

And I'd like to know who I am again.

We've been dealing with some massive stress and family drama, and I've been learning about some scary things that are in my husband's family that are putting me into a fight or flight mode.  I am having nightmares on a regular basis due to this.  I am exhausted from it as I haven't been sleeping well at all.  And being exhausted from stress and from an overload of work, not to mention the fact that we haven't been eating as healthy as we usually do, has been taking it's toll.  I've been snapping so quickly lately, and it is making me so upset as I'm mad at myself for it.  I just... I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not sure how to help myself stop stressing.  I'm afraid.  Really... and it has been affecting my family.  My kids are not their usual selves.  I know that the holiday season has done this almost every year.  However, there is more going on this year.  My daughter has started up with lying, and the kids are copying some of my own outbursts in their own way, and it bothers me so much.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I feel terrible.  And I don't know how to change it.

Anyway, the last few years I've felt less and less like Christmas really means what it is meant to.  The first number of years of marriage, Christmas was more fun.  I loved doing the gifts for my husband's family, just as I did for mine.  As the years have gone on, I've been disappointed by their lack of appreciation.  It wasn't what they wanted, it didn't matter that it was homemade, I needed to change something, or they don't eat 'baked goods' (not by everyone, mind you).  And one the worst was that one of the recipients never recieved his gifts.  The baked goods I did one year ended up in my MIL's freezer and we saw them in the barn that summer.  All the candy, the peanut brittle (which I made specifically because I'd heard it was his favorite), she didn't send them later on, she just popped them upstairs in the barn.  The first few years of gifts I made, even though I put them in the box that they shipped to him, they were removed, and he didn't get them.  Another of the siblings actually gave back a gift I had given because he 'didn't want it'.  I gave up.  I don't make gifts for my husband's family anymore.  We tried ticket gifts, and one person never gave.  Recieved, but didn't give.  We tried collaborating on something for our parents, and that same person promised a sum and never gave.  So, this year I only made something for my husband's parents.  I was hoping that they would love it as I put so very much time, effort, and energy into it.  It's a heritage album.  I know they probably appreciate it, and more so when they actually look at it later on, but it was just glanced at and put aside at the gathering.  I feel a bit hurt.  I want to give up.  And... in many ways, I already have.

I guess lately, for the last few years, I've just wished that someone would put the same effort into something for me that I love to put into the things I make others.  My husband's family gives lots of 'stuff', not really thinking about the person they are gifting to.  At least, that is how it feels.  Shirts, or even something like a clock with a moose on it (we don't know why they gave us that... neither of us are into moose, and we have more than enough clocks in our house).  The shirts never fit (I don't know why they always buy me a large or extra large or 1X when I fit a small to medium).  I had to return the shirt they bought me this year because it will not fit.  And I feel terrible for it... because it makes me wonder if I appreciate their gift.  And it makes me wonder why I bother putting all the effort I do into theirs... even though I know it is because I want to, not because I expect the same in return.

This year, I've been feeling this more than ever, wanting almost to give up completely... but my family suprised me this year.

First, my sister and her husband dropped by unexpectedly to give us a card and dash.  In the card was a gift certificate for tickets for two to go to a movie, and the promise that they would babysit for the evening.  Something I have been craving more than anything is more time with my husband, and this gift just made me so happy that they thought of us, that we needed a date night, and that they wanted to help us have one.

My husband had Christmas sneak up on him this year, and so he didn't get me much... but he made me a coupon book with things that we are going to do together later in January... a weekend away from the kids, just the two of us, some time alone without the kids, things like that.  And it is so special, knowing that he heard my cries for time together... and that we will get some of this before the baby is born.

Then there was the Christmas gathering with my family.  My parents have been sick, but my mom and dad made us such a wonderful meal, and had all of us in their house for the night!  There is never a doubt in my mind that my parents love us so much and would do anything to truly help us with whatever we need. 

And then we got to open the presents.

My brother had my ticket this year.  We decided in my family that the gifts we gave had to be at least 30% homemade.  And he made me want to cry. 

He made me a 'family tree'.  The roots have the word 'GOD' 'written' in using the wire.  The heart frame is where the branches start... and in it is me and my husband.  Then there were three other frames... one with a pic of each of our kids, and a sketched one with 'baby' written underneath, haha.  It really is me in so many ways.  I love these pieces of art, but never bought one for myself because I find them expensive and I just cannot justify the money spent... so to recieve something like this...

I almost cried.

I feel a renewed sense of longing to make things again.  I want to see what I can make for people... I want to start early so I have time to put my all into things again... for those I love the most.

My husband... my kids... my parents and siblings... and my friends.

And I want to try new things... I want to learn new ways to make things.  I want to attempt all sorts of things.

And I want to make something for myself.

This is new.  I never really want to make anything for myself.  Maybe it's because I don't think I'm worth it?  I'm not sure.  But I have some things in mind that I want to make now, and I need to learn how in order to do it.  I'm figuring out what I like... I like organic things... things that look homemade.  Perhaps that is why I love making things so much?  Things of wire, wood, stone, metal, cotton.  Things that look artsy... not perfect...

Made with love...

My brother will probably never read this blog.  And even if he started, I'm sure he wouldn't want to read the whole thing (after all, my thoughts are all over the place), but if he did, I'd want him to know that I am so thankful for the heart that he put into this gift for me.  I'd want him to know that he has helped renew my love for Christmas again.  That I am worth it, too.  Because I've spent so much of my energy hoping to make others feel that way, that I've forgotten to feel that way myself.

Thank you, RJ.  Your gift to me has touched my heart this Christmas in so many ways.  And not just the gift itself, but the thought and the time that I can see that you put into it.  I will see it as a reminder, not only of my family which is what you made it for, but of the fact that I am worth having something like this, of feeling worth something, and of being myself, a wife, and a mom.

And may God forever be the roots that hold this family up, just as He has been for the family my parents raised.

Thank you so much to my family.  You have helped renew something in me that I was beginning to lose.  I love you all so very much, and I am so happy to be your daughter and sister.

Handmade Gifts

This year I made almost everything I gave for Christmas.  I'm thrilled at how well everything turned out, too.  I did drive myself almost completely nuts trying to get it all done in time.  The only thing I haven't posted pics of on my deviantart page is the pillows I made for my niece, nephew, and two kids.  Why?  Because they are pillows of the letters of their names.  And I don't wish to post that on here.  They turned out well, though, especially since I couldn't find a pattern and just ended up making one myself.  Anyway, here are a few pics of the items made this year.

http://sabathamk.deviantart.com/gallery/41379867

The B-wing ornament for my husband this year.

 This is the bedroom in my kids new playhouse made of boxes.  I made a few pieces of furniture, including the wardrobe which has a working drawer, and a clothes rod made from a dowel inside.
I also made a fridge, a shelf, and other boxes function as storage.

 Found this idea on pinterest.  Using dvd covers as coloring packs.  Went in the kids stockings and they love them!

 A stocking for my husband... I was suprised how quickly I was able to make this one.

 Popcorn balls.  I love these!

 Some of the felt food... doughnuts in a box with a clear 'lid'.  The kids love these!

 I made all this during a couple of weeks.  Wish I would have started sooner.  Wanted to make some pizza but never had the time.

 Here is the playhouse we made for the kids.  Yes... these photos are sort of out of order.  Ah well.  The kids love this!

 Some more playfood using soap boxes and cutouts from old flyers.

 The playing cards from a remade game of Clue for my ticket gift.  I never got pics of the weapons I made.  Shoot.  Ah well.  He loved it and I am so glad!  I wasn't sure...
I made the pics on the gimp program and I printed them then used modge podge on the original cards.  Found the game at the thrift store and had some fun remaking it.

 Here's the game board.  The start tiles and the rooms were all redone.

 Inside the box.  I made new checkcards using the names of the rooms, weapons, and characters I made up.  I also made the boxes and whatnot a bit more fun and organized.  The confidential folder needed to be redone, so I cut off the old writing part and put it on a new folder.  I also made some 'black clipboard folders' that will be used to better hide the clue checklists.

 The cover of the clue game. 

 Musical coasters to go with the game night theme.

 Two angry birds bowling games.  Saw a pic of this on the web somewhere and thought it was great!  My ticket got one, and my husband got the other.

 A record bowl.  I filled it with caramel corn I made the night before our gathering, candy, and sweets for their game night.

 Cards for Christmas.

 My daughter got this Minnie Mouse pillow.  Made the pattern myself, used some fabrics that I already had, and it turned out great!  It's actually quite big!

 Another pinterest find... notebooks from recycled boxes.  I made 3 of these, and I love them.  The kids are always playing with these.

My husband's gifts.  I made the bookends from clay and wood, the clone trooper from perler beads (love those things... made minnie and mickey mouse for my kids) and the lego... from the store, haha.  I couldn't resist.  It's the only thing I didn't make or get second hand. 

The kids also got a few second hand gifts... a Belle barbie doll which was actually brand new (still had the paper on her and was in a plastic bag) for my daughter, a Goofy plush for my son, (total cost of both, $3.50) and a bunch of clothes.  My son also got a tractor we were given as a gift from a farm equipment store for buying some equipment there this year.  He loved it! 

So, that's my bunch of gifts in a photographic nutshell.  I don't have pics of the scrapbook I made my inlaws (it's a heritage album I've worked on for the last 2 years) or the calendar for my parents (I love Shutterfly!), or the gift my husband made for his ticket.  It's really neat!  He found a sign in the states a while back that read 'A man's home is his castle, but his garage is his sanctuary' and printed the text on cardstock, cut it out, then using sharpie on silver painted metal sheeting, drew it on and painted it in.  He bought some magnetic shelves and clips for the board itself, and now my bro has an organizer 'sign' for in his garage!

As for me, he made me a coupon book for a date night/weekend and some other various 'treat yourself' things as Christmas snuck up on him this year.  I love it!  I am looking forward to our weekend getaway in January!  I also got some more eczema cream and soap and a large luigi figure to keep my mario one company.  My daughter gave us a modge podged picture of her with a handprint from Cubbies.  I love it!  I look forward to displaying it!

I have another gift I wish to talk about, but I'm going to put that in its own post.  For now, I am done!  Hope you all had a very merry Christmas!  And have a happy new year!  My goodness... how time flies!

Advent is Over 1/2 Done!

For Christmas this year I decided to do an advent calendar of activities with the kids!  I've been ambitious and made a few of the activities more 'work', haha.  But the kids love them!  This is the list of activities I decided on doing.  Some of them will get their own post (with photos... cause I love photos!)

Day1:  Play outside in the snow at a park
Day2:  Make candy necklaces
Day3:  Help the toys get ready for Christmas (we did an MLP toy scene with them decorating the tree)
Day4:  Christmas baking!  We made white cookies (or grandma cookies) in Christmas shapes.  the kids helped me pour in the ingredients, cut a few shapes, and lick the beaters.
Day5:  Draw ourselves on paper.  I actually forgot we were going to an annual meeting so we were away from home through the 7th, but the kids got to draw, paint, work with perler beads and whatnot... not to mention swimming!
Day6:  Make ice balloons!  I have to put a pic of this one.  The kids watched (and picked colors) as I put food coloring and water in balloons to place outside to freeze.  Once frozen, we peeled off the balloons from the ice and they are now decorating our windowsill outside.

 

Day7:  Go to a Christmas Concert.  My sister and her husband had one in town, but we couldn't get away from the farm in time, so instead we did the balloons that day, since we weren't home at all on the 6th.

Day8:  Help at Christmas Giveaway.  The kids got their faces painted.  There wasn't much work there for us to do, but we went to help.

Day9:  Deliver Christmas Goodies.  I made a bunch of baskets with the kids using yogurt containers. scrapbooking paper, my new BigKick (made a bunch of labels) and stamps, and pipe cleaners (for handles).  I was thrilled to use my cropadile to punch holes in the yogurt containers to put the pipe cleaners through as handles, and the kids decorated a bunch of papers cut to size which I put on the containers themselves.  Well... they say a picture is worth a thousand words...

Day10:  Make a fort.  We made one with blankets and pillows under the table.  The kids had a grand time!
Day 11:  Decorate a gingerbread house.  I attempted making our own from scratch.  My son wanted a gingerbread train as well (he saw the train kits at Superstore and wanted to make one).  I baked them on Sunday, assembled them on Monday, and we decorated Tuesday.  We're eating it already... couldn't resist (tastes so much better than the ones you buy in kits).

Day12:  Take a pic at 12:12 on the 12th of the 12th month 2012.  Yup.  We managed... barely...



 

Day13:  Enjoy some Hot Chocolate.  We went to a local tree lighting, had hot chocolate and saw Santa! 

 

Day14:  Today was making popcorn balls.  I'm suprised at how well they turned out!  I've never done these before and was told they could be tricky.  A bunch are now on our tree.

 

Aren't they pretty?  I like them.  They taste good too! 

We'll see what else is up in the next 10 days.  Wow.  Is it really 10 days?  Goodness, but I have lots to do!

December Photo Overview

 I realized I posted practically nothing about what happened in December... well, that's about to change!  And I've got photos to boot!  Woo Hoo!  Lucky you!  :)  Aren't you glad you stopped by?

 As usual, I had to do something crafty for Christmas.  Besides baking, I did make some Hot Chocolate mix for family, and I repainted a table and chair set for my niece and nephew (love it... the black is actually chalkboard paint), made my yearly Star Wars ornament for my husband, and made hand and footprint ornaments with the kiddos.  Grandparents got a footprint each.  I kept M's hand print for myself... ;)

 We found out that our popcorn popper had finally burnt out on us... after 7 years.  And I wanted popcorn.  So, we got ourselves a new one... movie style!  I love it!  M asks for 'copcorn' regularly now... and if we didn't regulate, I'm sure she would eat more of the stuff than I do!  She loves watching it pop... who doesn't?

The first through fourth of the December we were at the Dairy conference in the city.  The kids enjoyed themselves... as you can see below! 

 Bram did pretty well at the hotel.  I think we did good bringing the mini humidifier along so we didn't have a repeat of last year (M woke every hour the first night due to dry air and it being so hot in there).  I managed to do some work on the laptop... made our Christmas cards.  And M... she loved the daycare.  First thing she said when we walked into the hotel was 'play... toys'.  And first thing she did when she got there was head for the dollhouse.

M got a couple of bells from the group that came and provided entertainment for the kiddos the night of the banquet.  She called them her 'tinkerbells'.  :)

 The daycare was great!  They remembered M from last year and were thrilled to see Bram as well, remembering that I had been expecting last year as well (and I can't even remember their names... how sad is that).  Bram had fun chewing on whatever he could, and he loved being held.  M tried sharing all the toys she could with him... except for the tiny teddy bear from the doll house.  She clung to that thing almost the entire first day.  She made lots of friends, too.  It was funny watching some of the older girls there helping her paint and work with the play dough.

 I did manage to take Bram's 7month photos... almost a week late, but I did get them.  And Christmassy ones, too!  He's sitting up so well already!  Where has the time gone?  Oh... and he's got four teeth, and is finally eating so many different foods! 

M got to do so many different things this month.  We played outside... briefly.  She didn't care for walking through the snow and was NOT happy with me for trying to get her to make a snow angel next to me.  She just wanted me to carry her everywhere.  Maybe later.  She washed dishes with her cousin and Grandma.  She played with her play dough at home with cookie cutters and her rolling pin, and she painted clay ornaments.

I had to take a pic of my tree this year.  I hope to have it somewhere else next year, but that depends on the renovations.  We got a few 'family pictures' taken at the church with my flash-less camera.  I am so upset that the thing had to die on me after such a short time.  Yes... just over 1 year after purchasing, the flash quit working.  It costs approximately $150 to fix.  Not worth it.  We figured we'd just buy a new one... more on that later.

And... the yearly tradition of making white cookies continues.  Now I have a helper!  She didn't ice any, but she stirred the dough for me, and enjoyed trying to put cookie cutters on it.  And eating them, of course!

Christmas was busy.  On Christmas Eve, we headed to my sister-in-law's house for some family festivities.  The kids enjoyed unwrapping gifts, and M kept telling everyone "happy dirtday" whenever she saw a present.  They got so many toys!  Christmas really centered on them this year... although I guess that will happen when there are kids around.  It was great!

Christmas morning was relaxing... as far as Christmas morning can be.  M walked to the top of the stairs and saw the tree... and a plush Yoshi was placed inside, as well as two teddy bears that I didn't wrap but just put just in front of the tree itself.  "Teddy Bear... Yoshi" was what I heard as I was scooping up Bram to bring downstairs.  Before Hubs came inside from the barn, I managed to assemble the bears (they were the kind you stuff yourself and add a heart to and stuff).  After breakfast we unloaded the stockings... M was trying to get to them long beforehand.  She had a Hello Kitty toothbrush inside, and she could see Kitty poking out and wanted her SO badly.  Out of all the toys she got, I think that toothbrush was her favorite, haha.  She wouldn't let it go.

I got a few things from the MCC for cheap... and the kids loved them.  The xylophone you see above was one of those items... $2.  And I got her a vanity set (you can see the chair) for $3 from a garage sale.  I think we only spent $40 total on the kids... and that includes two movies (new, $6 each) and a train set (new from Ikea... wood... $15).

Bram actually got in on the action and was playing with the toys as well.  He's quite musical, would you believe.  Loves the xylophone.  That was one great buy!

I was sick on Christmas day... had to take a nap when the kiddos did.  Managed to wake up in time to get them ready and head over to my parents.  We spent a fun evening there eating appetizers and watching the kids open their gifts from the aunts and uncles.  We gave our gifts to each other and to my parents, and then went to watch A Christmas Carol in my parents newly 'made' entertainment room.  Insane!  Of course, we put the kids to bed first.  Did I mention we all stayed the night there?  Yeah... it was crazy!

I was not feeling well, unfortunately.  Didn't stay up to watch all of Elf... had to head to bed around 12 (Hubs didn't stay, he had chores to do the next morning so he went home).  My kids were asleep thankfully, and so I joined them.  Bram woke sometime during the night to eat, and then again at 7:30... only then he was angry and woke M... and my parents.  Ah well.  At least it was after 7.  He wouldn't eat properly from me that weekend.  My guess is that it was too busy, too much happening.  It was rather frustrating.

Either way, boxing day morning had us making breakfast, then opening gifts from my parents.  We played some games (Mad Gab is hilarious), and the guys ended up downstairs playing their Call of Duty on the Projector... I don't think I was downstairs much that day.  It was fun, but tiring.  The kids were ready for bed early.

Monday I felt much better after a good night's sleep... and took down all the Christmas decorations.  We want to do renovations, so I figured the sooner that came down, the sooner I could completely empty the office, and the sooner we could rip down the ceiling.  The next day we wanted to go to the city to take care of a few things.  Bram woke up that day with a fever.  It was not looking good.  This was the only day that Hubs could take the evening off all week, and I didn't really like the idea of him going and leaving me behind... I hardly saw him as is.  As it was, Bram's fever went down, and he was sleepy, but ok, so we went.  I had him in the Sleepywrap the whole time we were in the mall, and he loved it.  We also managed to nab a deal on a new car seat (rear and front facing) for him.  He's grown out of the infant seat already...

A little Tims?  Ok ok... it's actually water.  She was asking for water.

Thankfully, Bram's fever didn't return.  The rest of the week saw me cleaning house and reorganizing all sorts of things from the office... moving everything into the dining room.  It's a little cramped.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas!  And a Happy New Year, too.  Can you believe it's 2011 already?