Do You Ever Wonder

A warning to anyone who is reading... my thoughts are going to be all over the place. This blog post is a bearing of my heart right now. It is something I haven't done in a long time...

Lately, around the holidays I begin to ask myself the same question.  Each year it's the same.  Why do we do this?  What is this all for?  After all, we live and then we die.  Things are nothing more than 'things'.  And things in and of themselves are not important to me... which is possibly why I feel this way each year at this time.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like making gifts.  On the contrary.  I absolutely love making gifts!  I love crafting and creating special things for the special people in my life!  And there are so many special people in my life that it is hard for myself to limit how many gifts I make!  I had many gifts on the list of 'to do's' for the year that never were made.  At all.  I think I will attempt them for next year (and should start on them now already, no joke).  However, I overwork myself, and begin to wonder what it is all for.  It's my own fault, I guess.  I also find myself wondering about whether what I am making is something the person is really going to like... or if it is good enough.  It really doesn't help me much.

Where the kids are concerned, it is really hard for me.  We do Christmas eve at my inlaws, and they buy so many toys for the kids that it makes me feel like a bad parent for not giving as much as they do. I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but about the love, the time with family, and the time we spend together and on each other... showing love to each other because of the gift of love that was given that very first Christmas, so long ago.  However, you can't help but feel a responsibility as a parent to make sure you are the one your kids are excited about getting gifts from the most... if you know what I mean?  After all, we are the parents.  Right?  Or maybe I've got it all wrong?  I mean, the amount of toys they get each year is one of the reasons I said that this year I was not buying anything, and I told the kids that.  They understood that the items they were going to get from us this year were all going to be handmade or second hand (like clothes).  And I have to say that it made my heart feel good when my daughter came up to me after they had been playing with their handmade items for awhile, gave me a hug and said 'thank you mommy, I love my presents'.  It really did!  So... after all was said and done, I feel it was worth it. 

But getting there was such a battle!

The Christmas baking... I wanted to bake so many goodies for people!  So very many!  However, the time it takes... I just never got around to about half the things I wanted to make, and almost had to force myself to make some of the things I'd never made before as I was scared of screwing up.  And I did screw up.  I had to restart a recipe completely as I totally messed it up at first.  I was lucky that the ingrediants were the same as that of the next recipe, so it worked out ok in the end.  Didn't prevent me from having a complete and utter cry over it all.

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Just about every day this last week or week and a half I've been sobbing over something.  I've found that I feel dejected.  I feel depressed.  I'm so happy to make things for people, and so glad to make others happy and make them feel loved... but... I feel so dejected myself.  I feel empty.  I feel drained.

I've been trying to figure out what my problem is.  I never had this before.  I've always been happy with anything, satisfied with life as it is, and thrilled to see what I can do to make it better for myself and those around me.  But with how things have been the last few months, the stress has been taking it's toll...

I've been completely drained.  Emotionally and physically... and perhaps even spiritually which is worst of all.

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling lonely.  Forgotten.  As though the only thing that matters in my family to the people around us is my children.  And I love my children!  I'm so glad everyone wants to be around them, and that people love them so much!  I would do anything for them, anything to protect them!  But... I've been feeling forgotten. As though my children are the only reason I'm visited or noticed (not by everyone, thankfully... I just guess that with how busy things are that I don't get visitors often as is).  I feel by one specific person as though I myself am only important for one thing... raising these children.  And I'm glad that I get to raise them!  Really, I am!  I feel so blessed that God has placed them in our lives, and I wouldn't change that for the world!  But I want to be 'me' as well.  I want to be recognized as a person beyond the mom of my children.

And I'd like to know who I am again.

We've been dealing with some massive stress and family drama, and I've been learning about some scary things that are in my husband's family that are putting me into a fight or flight mode.  I am having nightmares on a regular basis due to this.  I am exhausted from it as I haven't been sleeping well at all.  And being exhausted from stress and from an overload of work, not to mention the fact that we haven't been eating as healthy as we usually do, has been taking it's toll.  I've been snapping so quickly lately, and it is making me so upset as I'm mad at myself for it.  I just... I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not sure how to help myself stop stressing.  I'm afraid.  Really... and it has been affecting my family.  My kids are not their usual selves.  I know that the holiday season has done this almost every year.  However, there is more going on this year.  My daughter has started up with lying, and the kids are copying some of my own outbursts in their own way, and it bothers me so much.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I feel terrible.  And I don't know how to change it.

Anyway, the last few years I've felt less and less like Christmas really means what it is meant to.  The first number of years of marriage, Christmas was more fun.  I loved doing the gifts for my husband's family, just as I did for mine.  As the years have gone on, I've been disappointed by their lack of appreciation.  It wasn't what they wanted, it didn't matter that it was homemade, I needed to change something, or they don't eat 'baked goods' (not by everyone, mind you).  And one the worst was that one of the recipients never recieved his gifts.  The baked goods I did one year ended up in my MIL's freezer and we saw them in the barn that summer.  All the candy, the peanut brittle (which I made specifically because I'd heard it was his favorite), she didn't send them later on, she just popped them upstairs in the barn.  The first few years of gifts I made, even though I put them in the box that they shipped to him, they were removed, and he didn't get them.  Another of the siblings actually gave back a gift I had given because he 'didn't want it'.  I gave up.  I don't make gifts for my husband's family anymore.  We tried ticket gifts, and one person never gave.  Recieved, but didn't give.  We tried collaborating on something for our parents, and that same person promised a sum and never gave.  So, this year I only made something for my husband's parents.  I was hoping that they would love it as I put so very much time, effort, and energy into it.  It's a heritage album.  I know they probably appreciate it, and more so when they actually look at it later on, but it was just glanced at and put aside at the gathering.  I feel a bit hurt.  I want to give up.  And... in many ways, I already have.

I guess lately, for the last few years, I've just wished that someone would put the same effort into something for me that I love to put into the things I make others.  My husband's family gives lots of 'stuff', not really thinking about the person they are gifting to.  At least, that is how it feels.  Shirts, or even something like a clock with a moose on it (we don't know why they gave us that... neither of us are into moose, and we have more than enough clocks in our house).  The shirts never fit (I don't know why they always buy me a large or extra large or 1X when I fit a small to medium).  I had to return the shirt they bought me this year because it will not fit.  And I feel terrible for it... because it makes me wonder if I appreciate their gift.  And it makes me wonder why I bother putting all the effort I do into theirs... even though I know it is because I want to, not because I expect the same in return.

This year, I've been feeling this more than ever, wanting almost to give up completely... but my family suprised me this year.

First, my sister and her husband dropped by unexpectedly to give us a card and dash.  In the card was a gift certificate for tickets for two to go to a movie, and the promise that they would babysit for the evening.  Something I have been craving more than anything is more time with my husband, and this gift just made me so happy that they thought of us, that we needed a date night, and that they wanted to help us have one.

My husband had Christmas sneak up on him this year, and so he didn't get me much... but he made me a coupon book with things that we are going to do together later in January... a weekend away from the kids, just the two of us, some time alone without the kids, things like that.  And it is so special, knowing that he heard my cries for time together... and that we will get some of this before the baby is born.

Then there was the Christmas gathering with my family.  My parents have been sick, but my mom and dad made us such a wonderful meal, and had all of us in their house for the night!  There is never a doubt in my mind that my parents love us so much and would do anything to truly help us with whatever we need. 

And then we got to open the presents.

My brother had my ticket this year.  We decided in my family that the gifts we gave had to be at least 30% homemade.  And he made me want to cry. 

He made me a 'family tree'.  The roots have the word 'GOD' 'written' in using the wire.  The heart frame is where the branches start... and in it is me and my husband.  Then there were three other frames... one with a pic of each of our kids, and a sketched one with 'baby' written underneath, haha.  It really is me in so many ways.  I love these pieces of art, but never bought one for myself because I find them expensive and I just cannot justify the money spent... so to recieve something like this...

I almost cried.

I feel a renewed sense of longing to make things again.  I want to see what I can make for people... I want to start early so I have time to put my all into things again... for those I love the most.

My husband... my kids... my parents and siblings... and my friends.

And I want to try new things... I want to learn new ways to make things.  I want to attempt all sorts of things.

And I want to make something for myself.

This is new.  I never really want to make anything for myself.  Maybe it's because I don't think I'm worth it?  I'm not sure.  But I have some things in mind that I want to make now, and I need to learn how in order to do it.  I'm figuring out what I like... I like organic things... things that look homemade.  Perhaps that is why I love making things so much?  Things of wire, wood, stone, metal, cotton.  Things that look artsy... not perfect...

Made with love...

My brother will probably never read this blog.  And even if he started, I'm sure he wouldn't want to read the whole thing (after all, my thoughts are all over the place), but if he did, I'd want him to know that I am so thankful for the heart that he put into this gift for me.  I'd want him to know that he has helped renew my love for Christmas again.  That I am worth it, too.  Because I've spent so much of my energy hoping to make others feel that way, that I've forgotten to feel that way myself.

Thank you, RJ.  Your gift to me has touched my heart this Christmas in so many ways.  And not just the gift itself, but the thought and the time that I can see that you put into it.  I will see it as a reminder, not only of my family which is what you made it for, but of the fact that I am worth having something like this, of feeling worth something, and of being myself, a wife, and a mom.

And may God forever be the roots that hold this family up, just as He has been for the family my parents raised.

Thank you so much to my family.  You have helped renew something in me that I was beginning to lose.  I love you all so very much, and I am so happy to be your daughter and sister.

Handmade Gifts

This year I made almost everything I gave for Christmas.  I'm thrilled at how well everything turned out, too.  I did drive myself almost completely nuts trying to get it all done in time.  The only thing I haven't posted pics of on my deviantart page is the pillows I made for my niece, nephew, and two kids.  Why?  Because they are pillows of the letters of their names.  And I don't wish to post that on here.  They turned out well, though, especially since I couldn't find a pattern and just ended up making one myself.  Anyway, here are a few pics of the items made this year.

http://sabathamk.deviantart.com/gallery/41379867

The B-wing ornament for my husband this year.

 This is the bedroom in my kids new playhouse made of boxes.  I made a few pieces of furniture, including the wardrobe which has a working drawer, and a clothes rod made from a dowel inside.
I also made a fridge, a shelf, and other boxes function as storage.

 Found this idea on pinterest.  Using dvd covers as coloring packs.  Went in the kids stockings and they love them!

 A stocking for my husband... I was suprised how quickly I was able to make this one.

 Popcorn balls.  I love these!

 Some of the felt food... doughnuts in a box with a clear 'lid'.  The kids love these!

 I made all this during a couple of weeks.  Wish I would have started sooner.  Wanted to make some pizza but never had the time.

 Here is the playhouse we made for the kids.  Yes... these photos are sort of out of order.  Ah well.  The kids love this!

 Some more playfood using soap boxes and cutouts from old flyers.

 The playing cards from a remade game of Clue for my ticket gift.  I never got pics of the weapons I made.  Shoot.  Ah well.  He loved it and I am so glad!  I wasn't sure...
I made the pics on the gimp program and I printed them then used modge podge on the original cards.  Found the game at the thrift store and had some fun remaking it.

 Here's the game board.  The start tiles and the rooms were all redone.

 Inside the box.  I made new checkcards using the names of the rooms, weapons, and characters I made up.  I also made the boxes and whatnot a bit more fun and organized.  The confidential folder needed to be redone, so I cut off the old writing part and put it on a new folder.  I also made some 'black clipboard folders' that will be used to better hide the clue checklists.

 The cover of the clue game. 

 Musical coasters to go with the game night theme.

 Two angry birds bowling games.  Saw a pic of this on the web somewhere and thought it was great!  My ticket got one, and my husband got the other.

 A record bowl.  I filled it with caramel corn I made the night before our gathering, candy, and sweets for their game night.

 Cards for Christmas.

 My daughter got this Minnie Mouse pillow.  Made the pattern myself, used some fabrics that I already had, and it turned out great!  It's actually quite big!

 Another pinterest find... notebooks from recycled boxes.  I made 3 of these, and I love them.  The kids are always playing with these.

My husband's gifts.  I made the bookends from clay and wood, the clone trooper from perler beads (love those things... made minnie and mickey mouse for my kids) and the lego... from the store, haha.  I couldn't resist.  It's the only thing I didn't make or get second hand. 

The kids also got a few second hand gifts... a Belle barbie doll which was actually brand new (still had the paper on her and was in a plastic bag) for my daughter, a Goofy plush for my son, (total cost of both, $3.50) and a bunch of clothes.  My son also got a tractor we were given as a gift from a farm equipment store for buying some equipment there this year.  He loved it! 

So, that's my bunch of gifts in a photographic nutshell.  I don't have pics of the scrapbook I made my inlaws (it's a heritage album I've worked on for the last 2 years) or the calendar for my parents (I love Shutterfly!), or the gift my husband made for his ticket.  It's really neat!  He found a sign in the states a while back that read 'A man's home is his castle, but his garage is his sanctuary' and printed the text on cardstock, cut it out, then using sharpie on silver painted metal sheeting, drew it on and painted it in.  He bought some magnetic shelves and clips for the board itself, and now my bro has an organizer 'sign' for in his garage!

As for me, he made me a coupon book for a date night/weekend and some other various 'treat yourself' things as Christmas snuck up on him this year.  I love it!  I am looking forward to our weekend getaway in January!  I also got some more eczema cream and soap and a large luigi figure to keep my mario one company.  My daughter gave us a modge podged picture of her with a handprint from Cubbies.  I love it!  I look forward to displaying it!

I have another gift I wish to talk about, but I'm going to put that in its own post.  For now, I am done!  Hope you all had a very merry Christmas!  And have a happy new year!  My goodness... how time flies!

Christmas Recycling

This year for Christmas, I decided to do some recycling.  Yes... recycling.  First of all, we had so many yogurt containers I had saved thinking that they could go into the bin, but they couldn't.  So... I upcycled them... into these!

I spent a lot of time on these.  Suprisingly.  There are 32 of them.  I baked spritz cookies (with the kids overseeing, haha) and wrapped them up before placing them in these little baskets.  They are really simple to make, but 32 of them is daunting.  The kids decorated some precut paper which I later added to the yogurt cups.  I used my BigKick to cut a bunch of tags which I stamped and added to the front.  The handles are made from pipe cleaners.  And the tissue paper... also recycled.  I keep a lot of stuff that would otherwise be trashed.  Can't bear to trash things that are so useful!

My husband got a shot of me assembling the premade baskets.  My daughter handed hers out at Cubbies, and both kids handed them out at sunday school.  There are a few left yet to go to some of their friends/cousins.

The other 'recycling' fun I had was with berry containers.  You know, those lovely clear plastic containers that house our blueberries and raspberries?  We made white cookies, I decorated them, and wrapped them up into these containers using my BigKick once again and some fun paper and whatnot to decorate the tops.

I love my snowflake Bigz die!  It is so much fun!  I made a bunch of snowflakes!  I can't wait to have more fun with cutting!

I have many other projects I wish to start soon that use recycled materials.  I just... need to get started!

So, what sorts of things do you recycle?

Advent is Over 1/2 Done!

For Christmas this year I decided to do an advent calendar of activities with the kids!  I've been ambitious and made a few of the activities more 'work', haha.  But the kids love them!  This is the list of activities I decided on doing.  Some of them will get their own post (with photos... cause I love photos!)

Day1:  Play outside in the snow at a park
Day2:  Make candy necklaces
Day3:  Help the toys get ready for Christmas (we did an MLP toy scene with them decorating the tree)
Day4:  Christmas baking!  We made white cookies (or grandma cookies) in Christmas shapes.  the kids helped me pour in the ingredients, cut a few shapes, and lick the beaters.
Day5:  Draw ourselves on paper.  I actually forgot we were going to an annual meeting so we were away from home through the 7th, but the kids got to draw, paint, work with perler beads and whatnot... not to mention swimming!
Day6:  Make ice balloons!  I have to put a pic of this one.  The kids watched (and picked colors) as I put food coloring and water in balloons to place outside to freeze.  Once frozen, we peeled off the balloons from the ice and they are now decorating our windowsill outside.

 

Day7:  Go to a Christmas Concert.  My sister and her husband had one in town, but we couldn't get away from the farm in time, so instead we did the balloons that day, since we weren't home at all on the 6th.

Day8:  Help at Christmas Giveaway.  The kids got their faces painted.  There wasn't much work there for us to do, but we went to help.

Day9:  Deliver Christmas Goodies.  I made a bunch of baskets with the kids using yogurt containers. scrapbooking paper, my new BigKick (made a bunch of labels) and stamps, and pipe cleaners (for handles).  I was thrilled to use my cropadile to punch holes in the yogurt containers to put the pipe cleaners through as handles, and the kids decorated a bunch of papers cut to size which I put on the containers themselves.  Well... they say a picture is worth a thousand words...

Day10:  Make a fort.  We made one with blankets and pillows under the table.  The kids had a grand time!
Day 11:  Decorate a gingerbread house.  I attempted making our own from scratch.  My son wanted a gingerbread train as well (he saw the train kits at Superstore and wanted to make one).  I baked them on Sunday, assembled them on Monday, and we decorated Tuesday.  We're eating it already... couldn't resist (tastes so much better than the ones you buy in kits).

Day12:  Take a pic at 12:12 on the 12th of the 12th month 2012.  Yup.  We managed... barely...



 

Day13:  Enjoy some Hot Chocolate.  We went to a local tree lighting, had hot chocolate and saw Santa! 

 

Day14:  Today was making popcorn balls.  I'm suprised at how well they turned out!  I've never done these before and was told they could be tricky.  A bunch are now on our tree.

 

Aren't they pretty?  I like them.  They taste good too! 

We'll see what else is up in the next 10 days.  Wow.  Is it really 10 days?  Goodness, but I have lots to do!

GAH! It's Almost Here!

I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by!  I haven't been blogging as you can see... I've been too busy trying to work on all the projects I've made for myself.  And I've made too many projects for myself!

I do have 11 gifts wrapped and under the tree already.  Two of which are second hand clothes for the kids (one package for each of them).  I've done a lot of sewing, scrapbooking, and a little bit of clay work.  I've also made all my cards (done that, whew) and handed out over half already.  I started my baking, and I'm happy to say that yogurt cups make adorable spritz cookie baskets! 

One thing I'm really proud of this year... I made my advent calendar inserts myself.  We used a second hand Playmobile advent calendar again this year, and I also pulled out the truck I bought sometime last year after Christmas was over.  It was originally $20 or $25 if I remember, and I got it for $5.  It has little magnetic doors, and inside I put little printed papers with activities we will do together each day until Christmas, along with something that sort of goes with the activity (or candy).  Tomorrow... is decorating a gingerbread house. 

I have NEVER in my life made a gingerbread house from scratch.  When little, my mom bought one of those kits, and that is the same thing I did with my kids last year.  Well, I saw that a friend of mine had made a gingerbread house and it looked so nice (and smelled even better!  Those kits have not-so-tasty gingerbread).  She gave me the recipe, and I baked it all up yesturday.  My son wants to do a gingerbread train (he saw the kits at the Superstore next to the house kits)... so... I came up with a way to make cookies into a train shape as well, once I had cut out the gingerbread house pieces themselves.  Today I assembled all the pieces on the board, and it is ready for decorating tomorrow... to go with our advent activity!  And inside the advent calendar with the paper describing what we will be doing... a few gumballs!  I can't wait to do this with the kids!

So, in all, things are trucking along.  I have another 'half done' gift that I hope to finish this week, three gift ideas in my head I hope to do as well, and two rather large items that I REALLY need to start if I'm to get anywhere on them (my son loves trains... so I want to turn a table we have in our basement into a train table.  My daughter is into Barbie sized dolls now, and it looks like she'll be getting a number of items to go with that newfound love this Christmas including furniture and clothes for the two (soon to be three) dolls she has.  I want to make a simple barbiedoll house).  Wish me luck... I'm going to need it.

As for my husband... I am having an impossible time figuring out what exactly to make him.  He is NOT easy.  Stocking stuffers for him are NOT easy.  I've done my yearly tradition item for him (a Star Wars ornament) and I have 2 or 3 other gift ideas, but I want to do something really special.  Sigh.

Oh... and my budget for the year... is not very high.  $200.  That is it.  For everything (food, ingrediants, anything I need to purchase for crafting whether I use it all or not, etc).  I'm still quite under, which is really nice!

As for hubby making my gift... I am not sure that is going to happen.  He still has to make his ticket gift.  And he hasn't really started on that yet.

Two weeks... two weeks...

It's Coming!

What is?  Why, Christmas of course!  There are only 54 days until Christmas is upon us, and I'm itching to get some stuff done!

Christmas brings so many feelings of joy, nostalgia, and excitement for me!  Also a lot of stress if I'm not careful, but we'll try to do things so that stress is at a minimum for this time of year (if possible).  I get fully into wanting to craft, sculpt, bake, decorate, and get out of the house to enjoy the lights and sounds of the season.

This year, I plan on doing something a little different than last year.

It isn't a big change.  I don't have a large budget for Christmas usually, and I've done similar to this before, but not to the degree I want this year.  I want to make it a handmade Christmas... no bought gifts whatsoever (unless it's a modified second hand item).  I am not allowing myself to buy any ornaments, and I'd like to make a bunch for the tree and fill it with homemade items instead of the purchased ornaments I already have (although I'm sure a few will make it on there anyway.  After all, I already have them).  I am hoping to continue my tradition of baking white cookies with the kids, and this time get my son involved.  I want to try to make my own packaging for gifts in a fun, crafty sort of way instead of only reusing the bags (although those are really nice, too, and if I find I'm running low on time, I will use them anyway).  And... this is the big one... I am going to make my husband's gift, and request (if he feels up to it) that he do the same for me.  Well... make, or purchase second hand and 'modify'.  :)

I have visions of popcorn balls and other foodie treats on our tree, of giving cute edible gifts to friends and family, of making a few more difficult but fun items for the kids... I've started on a couple of things already, but I am a long way from finished.  And the difficult part about baked gifts is that they need to be given shortly after baking.  But that is ok!  I don't mind, as long as I can have one or two days of straight baking I'll be good!

I'm looking at my recycling box and imagining all sorts of interesting items being turned out of those boxes, cans, bottles, and egg cartons.  I'm looking at my scrapbooking papers and fabrics and wondering what I could come up with... and I'm looking at my kids and thinking that salt dough would be a fun thing for them to play with and make creations of their very own for friends and family!

Maybe it's pregnancy that does some of this to me.  I did the same thing while pregnant with my son... none of the other years went quite to that same extent.  Although, shortly after having my daughter, I did a bunch of crafts as well.

So, what do you all enjoy doing for the holidays?  When do you start, and when do you try to have most everything done by?  Do you handmake things?  How do you save money over the holidays?  Christmas grosses the largest commercial sales over any other time of year.  Do you have any fun traditions that you've maybe changed up a little over the years?

I'm hoping (hoping) to post more over the next couple of months some of my ideas, projects, and whatnot... and I'd love to hear any tips you have for me (because I LOVE comments!  And comments about Christmas traditions, tips, and 'tricks' are even better!).  I'm hoping to spend even less than my normal 'budget' for the Christmas season, and use the excess towards a gift through World Vision or something to that effect.  Oh, I have so many things I'd love to see happen!  We'll just see what I can reasonably do without stressing myself!

Happy Holidays!  (Yes... I said it... at least I'm not listening to the Christmas tunes yet, although I've been tempted... and the kids have been singing Jingle Bells, haha).

Long overdue 101 in 1001

Goodness but it has been a long time!  I decided to take a look at my list recently and discovered a few things that I finished without realizing it before I was half way through!  Here they are.

3. take a nature hike and make educational for kiddos
We did this in July sometime.  I went around the yard with the kids (scrapbooked it as well) and we found a bird's nest, a broken robins egg shell, spider webs with dew on them, foxtails, various flowers and leaves (those were fun) and played with kittens.  We talked and asked questions about each thing.  Later, grandpa brought over a caterpillar and the kids got to see a fuzzy one I found on the driveway the next day.  :)

6. Celebrate five strange holidays
On Sept 12 we 'celebrated' National Video Game day by playing old games we had, and I made a nostalgic "It's Dangerous to Go Alone" brownie from the NES Zelda game.  We also had chocolate on Chocolate day on the 13th by eating more of the brownie... but I'm not sure that counts.  i'm sure we've done more, but I can't remember.

15. go to five local fairs (5/5)  DONE Aug 2012
We did this!  Went to the medieval festival in July, and the local Honey Festival in August!  Both were tons of fun!  So, completed as of August 2012!

21. Get the kids to feed ducks (done, June 30 2012)
June 30th we went to the park for a baby shower, and I brought along some bread to feed the ducks in the duck pond nearby.  The kids loved it and have been asking to go back for some time now!

22. find 5 interesting places/events to visit in local area (not already listed 2/5 dec2011, sep2012)
I'm sure we've done more, but I know of one I recently did with the kids.  We went for a walk around a local garden by the library, and my daughter is asking to go back!

34. Save up $10 for each item I complete on this list
I finally got my savings account active again, so now I can deposit the money into the account!  I have it, it's just not in a specified savings!

36. Place at least $10,000 into TFSA’s
My goodness!  I had no idea how much we already had in the TFSA's!  Last December we didn't deposit any, we paid off the van with that money instead, but the interest accumulated really makes me happy, haha.  We have enough we could almost do it!  But we are planning a trip, and depending on how much that costs....

58. Catch up on scrapbooking (digital)
YAY!  I'm done this!  I am all caught up and doing the pages necessary each week to keep it that way!  Makes me so very happy!

63. Do a ‘week in review’ scrapbook for one year (at least) and print it (July? 2012)
I have a printed 2011 week in review scrapbook, and I am loving it so much I am doing 2012.  I'm up to date on that one as well!  It is SO nice to look back on these weeks and remember things that happened that I wouldn't remember otherwise!

87. start reading a Bible verse at the table at suppertime (maybe find a ‘daily bread’ or something small we can do as a family)
I started working on this, but because it's a jar on the side counter, we don't see it and don't remember.  Sigh.  I need a better reminder to read the verses I put in there!

39 down, 62 to go!

Scents-a-rific

I don't know about you, but I've always heard about how a woman's nose is on overdrive when pregnant. I do recall it being a little stronger when pregnant with the kids, but it didn't seem as much like it was actually stronger, I just had more of an aversion to certain smells.


This weekend I discovered what they really meant.

Yesturday my daughter had an 'accident' in the bathroom. She almost made it to the potty, but somehow didn't quite get there in time. My husband cleaned up the mess (yay!) as I was downstairs at the time. Came down with the bath matt and a towel, looking less than pleased. But, he took care of it.

During the night, as per usual, I had to visit the 'ladies room'. My goodness, but what a strange smell there was! I remembered the evening's escapade and decided that the incident must be the cause. This morning I washed everything up really well... and was happy to note it smelled a little less... gross. However... I went back in to shower and smelled it yet again. Now I hadn't a clue what was going on... until I stepped into the tub...

...And I saw the new shower head my husband just installed Saturday afternoon.

You know, the new plastic smell? It is usually not so strong that you'd notice it unless you put it right to your nose... but this smell permeated the entire bathroom for me. I'm just so glad I know what it is now (and that it isn't what I first thought it was, haha).

Anybody have any silly stories to share?

Intolerance and Bigotry?

I know that this post will probably cause some issues with some people.  I'm honestly very upset about the whole deal myself.  So, if you have a strong stance one way or another with the redefinition of marriage which may lead you to attack anyone who's stance differs from yours, be warned. 

I will not necessarily discuss my own view on the subject here.  This post is not about the redefinition of marriage in itself, or what my stance is.  This is about the claimed bigotry of a certain restaurant chain.

I've never really heard about Chick-fil-A until the recent developments that have been all over facebook, the internet, and so on.  I don't watch the news, I don't get overly involved in debates, it's all just so pointless to me.  However, this whole deal with this restaurant and the views of the owner and founder has really gotten my goat.  It was reported that he stated he supported the traditional view of marriage.  I read a little on it, and I suppose I can see how some people might get upset with what he said, but still... he stated his opinion.  He supports the biblical family, the traditional view of marriage. 

This does not mean he hates homosexuals.

The backlash that his statement has caused makes me rather upset.  Sure, I understand that others will have an opposing view to his statement.  I can see that.  After all, the redefinition of marriage really started to come out about 10 years ago, there are bound to be a number of people on either side of the fence, not to mention those who are just going to be on the fence, not caring either way.  But the backlash!  The comments and attacks about him, his 'bigoted comment' or him hating homosexuals... I just don't understand it at all.

We are each entitled to our own opinions.  You have yours, I have mine.  To publically state your opinion is to practically expect a backlash, and that is fine.  The support this company has gotten over this on Wednesday is amazing, and just leads me to believe that God is with this company (I read up on them a bit, and the fact that they base their business on biblical views and donate a percentage of their proceeds to various charities makes me wish I could support them in some way as there are not many businesses that do so).  The backlash that is supposed to come on Friday... well... I'm not impressed.  If you dislike their views and want to boycott, fine.  I can understand that.  But to publically show your distaste for the company's view in this way is... well... kinda making me wonder why you are taking it so very personally.  (I'm kind of afraid of how this will go.  If it's just 'kissing' than whatever, no big deal, but I'm afraid of what it might turn into in order to make it more of a spectacle.  Many protests go that way, the breastfeeding issues come to mind... however it may be nothing).

What about the tolerance you claim everyone should have?  Where is your tolerance of these views?  Why must you protest in the way that you are?  Showing the company support by visiting their restaurant on a specific day, is in my opinion, no different than going to DQ on Miracle Treat day (especially since they donate a percentage of all proceeds to charity).  No backlash on that one.  If you want to boycot on the basis of differing opinions, great.  Go for it!  Make a boycott day or whatever.  But the kissing thing?

Why is the homosexual issue such a sore spot?  People will disagree.  This is how it is going to be.  So why does this particular group (and not necessarily all of them, I'm sure some find this whole thing equally preposterous and wish they'd leave well enough alone) feel so offended by a person who obviously holds to Biblical values stating he supports traditional marriage?  What's the big deal?  Why all the hype?  And I know I'll probably have people saying 'well, you are adding to the hype by posting this blog' and that's fine.  This is my blog.  Nobody is forced to read it.  I am not sticking it in anyone's face.  I am not forcing my views and opinions on anyone.  And while I sit here and see this whole thing about a restaurant who has stated numerous times that they base their business on biblical values get verbally attacked from mayors, politicians, social media, and the common man, I think it's stupid.  All over one part of their biblical stance on family and marriage. 

Sigh.

This is not a new issue.  It seems that anyone who supports traditional marriage as one man and one woman immediately gets hit with a load of negative comments, called homophobes or haters, bigots, and it goes on (at least publically, on the news, etc... it's made into a huge deal).  The second anyone is in the public eye, you can bet they will be asked their stance on marriage, and you can bet that if they say anything about supporting traditional marriage, they will be attacked.  Yet, how dare anyone attack someone who supports same sex marriage!  I'm sure there are 'idiots' on either side, attacking someone based on their belief.  I think it's ridiculous.  I think they need to take a good long look in the mirror and have a humbling experience about what they are doing.

Again, I am not attacking any view.  I am not attacking people's opinions.  I am just fed up with those that go ahead and attack the people whose opinion differs from theirs.  These people are not saying they disagree with them... they are attacking them as a person. 

bigot: noun
a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.  

intolerant: adj
1. lacking respect for practices and beliefs other than one's own

respect: noun (I am only using the definition that fits the use in the previous definition)
4. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
The owner/founder of Chick-fil-A has not shown any disrespect to the homosexual community  (in my opinion) by voicing his opinion on traditional marriage.  He serves them if they come to his restaurant, he treats them as anyone else that graces his doorway... the problem many have with him is that he believes in the traditional marriage as is outlined in his Bible, by God, as a part of his 'religious belief', and some have escalated that into a personal vendetta against the company as a whole.

So, I have to wonder... who is being bigoted in this situation?

Anybody else think that perhaps the whole 'blogosphere' and 'social networking/media' sometimes has a larger role to play in all this than we may realize?  At least there's many good stories out there to offset the negative ones.  Sigh (again).

Some News

Most of my friends and family know this by now... but here's the news anyway...

I'm pregnant!

Right now I'm only 10 weeks, but here's the preggo shot since my belly is showing already.

I can hardly believe how much I'm showing!  I had a flat tummy in May prior to getting pregnant, and it was almost immediately apparent.  At 3 weeks my symptoms started, I tested at 4 1/2 weeks, and I had people saying they had figured it out already (mainly my inlaws who live next door).  I've been sleeping about anywhere I lay down (floor, couch, chair, kids bed...) and I'm having a hard time getting things finished.  My house... ah my poor house... tis neglected.  I get the basics done... you know, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen... but my fridge, while tidy, hasn't been properly cleaned in over a month (used to do so weekly), I haven't mopped in a while (ugh... and I need to...), and dusting... please don't run your fingers on anything, lol.  No, it's not too bad, i dusted some stuff last week.  My office almost needs it twice a week though somehow.  It's bad in there.  The kids thankfully clean up their toys themselves (I would be in a hurricane of toy mess otherwise) and my husband has been helping make meals when I can't handle it.  This morning was tough... I got up and was wanting to go right back to bed.  I tried to take down my one curtain (got some new ones from my inlaws and I wanted to see how they'd look in the livingroom) but after switching one curtain, I didn't like it, and I couldn't do much but sit down and catch my breath.  Seriously.  That is crazy.  My exercising has gone out the window.  I just can't believe how hard things are right now.

As for food... I'm making different things now as I have noticed that the 'same old' is making me nautious.  I need to try different things with my ingrediants to be able to eat them.  It's been working, and I'm eating a little more nutritiously this last week than I did a few weeks ago (seriously, all we were eating was sandwiches and tomato soup cause I couldn't handle making anything more than that).

I do have one thing... in one week I will be visiting my doctor and hopefully will hear the heartbeat (my uterus is flipped back again, like it has been for all my other pregs, which means it's a bit tougher to hear the heartbeat until later, or even get proper ultrasound).  My tummy feels like it's higher than it has been for either pregnancy.  My uterus usually stays pretty low.  I've tried finding the fundal height for myself, but unfortunately I am having no luck figuring out what is what... so I will rely on my doctor.  I have been wondering since we found out we were expecting if it is going to be one or two.  Didn't have that question with the others, and the only reason I haven't pushed it from my mind completely is that I found out about a friend who didn't have twins in her family, and had twins herself.  I have twins in my dad's side, my husband has twins in his family (I know, that doesn't count for me) but for some reason I have this niggling... that I won't be able to confirm for sure one way or the other until week 20.  And not only that, but I have to find another doctor as mine is sadly leaving the 'baby catching business'.  He said I could stay with him and just have the doc on call, but if my niggles are correct, that puts me in a higher risk category, and I should have an actual obgyn.  I have one in mind... I just need to place some calls.

My goodness... I can't wait until some of these symptoms wear off.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Blogging Blues - And A Confession

Ugh.  I wanted to blog.  Really, I did.  I even wrote two blog posts.  But both of them sounded so... ugh.  Depressing?  Not something anyone would really want to read anyway... so I deleted them.  Plus, with all the interruptions, they didn't seem to make much sense anyway.  ;)

Maybe I should try again?  On a lighter note?  Ahem...

Confession:  Sometimes I want to be nothing for a day.

You saw it here first!  Nothing.  I want to be NOTHING for one day.  Not have any responsibilities, not have to clean up the baby powder sprinkled all over the change table, change poopy diapers, launder clothes that the cat pooped/puked all over, or mow lawn.  Not need to bake or cook or clean the house.  Not have to do dishes or fix boo boos or break up fights over toys I'd love to smash with a hammer (make sure you read that in Emperor's-New-Groove-Yzma's voice.  Haven't seen that movie?  Watch it!  It will make you laugh!).  Absolutely nothing.  For one day.

But I also know one thing.  It would probably only be midway through that one day and I would miss it.  I would remember all the blessings and wonderful things that I forget in the midst of prying my daughter's hair out of my son's fist, or searching for that silly toy once again only to find it went into the floor register.  I would remember the hugs, the 'I love you's, the dances, the kisses, and the smiles.  And I'd miss it.

But right now, I'd still like to be nothing... maybe only for an hour or two.

101 update - it's been a long time

I haven't posted in forever!
I just decided to look over my 101 list and man... I haven't done anything in ages.  I'll give it a quick summary as to what I've 'done' without realizing it.

Environment3. take a nature hike and make educational for kiddos - I really want to do this sometime soon.  We were going to go to a local park for mother's day, but there happened to be a fire in the area so that was postponed indefinetly.
4. change our furnace from oil to electric - we've actually been talking about this.  Along with me planning out our 'new' basement.  Which is a much cheaper and easier endeavor than I first tried to make it.  Open concept basement... yee haw!

Family/Relationship
6. Celebrate five strange holidays (white day, pancake day, etc) - You know, we've done some of these but I cannot remember them all!  I know we recently did 'national slurpee day' by getting a free slurpee from 7 11, and the kids had their own.  They were thrilled (and it was just enough for us).  I also participated in 'National Spa Week' by making a spa day at home for myself after putting the kids to bed.
10. make plans to have a family day twice/month for one year (/24) - oi... we have so much going on that Im not sure how this one is working out.  We do something as a family regularly now.  I'm not sure how to track this (except maybe looking at the WIR's I'm doing to see what we've done and when)
15. go to five local fairs (3/5) - just did #3 last weekend, June 2nd.  It was just me and the kids though as hubby was on the field all day.
17. have a night at home where we explore other cultures (food, map, activity, etc) (2/3)  Did Italy earlier in the year.  :)  It was fun!  Also did China for the Chinese New Year!

Farm/Business
27. Write/publish 3rd book - Sigh.  I need motivation on this one.  I'm currently putting book one up on deviantart and hoping for inspiring comments to get me going on this.  So far nothing.

Financial
34. Save up $10 for each item I complete on this list - frustration on this.  I have an account I wanted to use for this.  It already had a fair amount in it, and I was going to update it as necessary.  I cannot access it online.  It shows me the amount in there, but won't let me put more money in.  I'm going to HAVE to get my butt in gear and find out what is going on.
36. Place at least $10,000 into TFSA’s - about halfway there...

Health/Fitness
DONE!!! 53. Try 20 new recipes (20/20) - I know I did 3 new recipes for the Chinese day, and another 4 for Italy day...  so this is DONE.

Hobbies
58. Catch up on scrapbooking (digital) - slowly... very slowly... haven't been much into scrapbooking lately.
63. Do a ‘week in review’ scrapbook for one year (at least) and print it - I have it done and have continued into 2012 but I have yet to print it.
64. Try to finish cross stitch - I'm never going to do this.  I should just sell it.

House/Home
DONE!!! 67. Redo living room (couches, etc) - well... I think we did this one!  Bought new couches a number of months ago (I cannot remember when exactly) and they look great!  It's not perfect, but it is so much nicer than before!
68. Renovate basement - I'm in the planning stages right now...
69. Build another bedroom - another plan in the planning stage.  It will be a while before these come to fruition.
72. Build a sandbox/play area for kids - oi, I really want a sandbox for them.  Everything else is coming along!  Swings (thanks Kim!), a playhouse, toys in a bin...
DONE!!! 73. Put up 10 picture frames/wall art - I put 3 frames in our room, one in the kids room, one in the hall, two candle sconces in the entrance, two decorative 'shelf' candle holders in our room, and our shelf in the diningroom... which holds wall art.  I'd say I've done this... now to print the photos and put them in the frames (I hung them so they remind me, but I haven't done it yet.  Figures).

Organizing
80. Purge old toys that aren’t played with (remove at least 25lbs of toys from house 7/25) - I have boxes of stuff in my basement ready to go... they just haven't left the house yet so I can't count them.
DONE!!! 82. Create an organizational system in my wardrobe unit for crafts/scrapbooking - I did this!  Why haven't I marked this as done?  Man, it's been ages.  I did this back in 2011.  I'll have to look up when.

Spiritual
DONE!!! 86. buy a new devotional and use it - got one for Christmas from my sister and have been through the entire thing.  Back in February already.
87. start reading a Bible verse at the table at suppertime (maybe find a ‘daily bread’ or something small we can do as a family) - found some verses to use.  Now to print them and make a jar to pull them out of.
So... I've actually been doing things!  Wow!  Now to update the actual list so I don't forget again and lose it all, haha.  Too bad I haven't been keeping on top of this.  I have no actual dates for stuff.  :(

Happy Chinese New Year

For fun this year, since I didn't really get into Christmas until after it was over due to lack of snow, I decided we were going to celebrate SOMETHING in January... which is often an overlooked month except for our New Year... which is more often celebrated on Dec 31, and not so much in January. Looking at the calendar, I noticed the Chinese New Year was occuring on the 23rd of the month! How neat! So, for fun, we decided to look it up, and discovered a few interesting things.

Food on Chinese New Years eve is very important! The foods you eat either resemble, or their names are similar to things pertaining to riches and long life. Dumplings are apparently a big thing, as are long noodles, long beans (both due to the belief of having a long life... so don't cut your noodles), fish (I know I read why, but I cannot remember at the moment), and lots of sweets and such. I decided we'd make a meal for our supper just for our family and celebrate with that.

So, we made chicken stir fry (we were out of fish... sigh) with noodles instead of rice, and I made dumplings... first time ever! It was suprisingly not too difficult, and since I didn't have a number of the regular ingrediants for the filling, I just made my own. I made a total of 12... as that was all the dough I made (although I think I made them too thick as the dough should have made 20... and I had a lot of leftover filling). It took a few dumplings to get the folds to look nice, but none opened up in the boiling water, and they were all eaten by my family. I think I'd like to attempt these again. Perhaps later today I'll make more dough and use the rest of the filling (that is a lot of chopping... I read that using a food processor makes the filling too fine and gummy, and it doesn't have the correct texture, so I hand minced it all).

For dessert I whipped up a batch of almond cookies. I looked up Chinese desserts for the New Year, and this was the only one I had all the ingrediants to. I just did a half batch, of 15 cookies, and they were a hit as well! Mmmm... almond...

For breakfast this morning (the official New Year using the lunar calendar), we had dragon fruit and tea marbled eggs. The dragon fruit we picked because it is now the year of the dragon. The tea marbled eggs I came across during my search for Chinese New Year recipes, and it looked interesting, with ingredients I normally have, so I made them! It was easy, too! And M loved them (Bram doesn't like hardboiled eggs). They had a nice flavor to them.

Don't these look tasty? I loved the effect of the marbling on the eggs! I soaked them for overnight, but I didn't have black tea, which would have made the eggs darker yet. I just used... blackcurrant tea, hahaha. It has 'black' in it... :P

Lastly, I made some red money envelopes for each of the kids. I didn't have looney's or tooney's or anything, so they got 4 pennies each. I know... cheap... but I'm actually giving them each $1.12... or any one thing they want from Dollarama. I also found out how to write their names in Chinese symbols (well, my daughter's isn't exactly right as they didn't have any name or word like her name), so I wrote them in sparkly gell glue on the backs of the cards, and used a Mickey sticker to close it for Bram, and a Hello Kitty sticker for M.

I will have to post the recipes later on in my cookbook... I will probably try them again. Although, next thing I want to celebrate is Valentine's Day... and I think I may be doing another '14 days of Valentine's'... :) Just because I can... and it's fun... :)

Putting HIM First

I just posted about the tribulation here, and this post has a little something to do with it. But not about it directly. No, this as about God's placement in our lives.

A few nights ago, while reading Luke 17, I had a brief vision. Here are the verses...

The Coming of the Kingdom of God20 Once, on being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, 21 nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.”[c]22 Then he said to his disciples, “The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. 23 People will tell you, ‘There he is!’ or ‘Here he is!’ Do not go running off after them. 24 For the Son of Man in his day[d] will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. 25 But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.26 “Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. 27 People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.28 “It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. 29 But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.30 “It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. 31 On that day no one who is on the housetop, with possessions inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32 Remember Lot’s wife! 33 Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it. 34 I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. 35 Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left.” [36] [e]37 “Where, Lord?” they asked.He replied, “Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather.”

The thing that got me was "Remember Lot's Wife!" and I had a quick momentary wondering of what would happen if we would dare to 'look back' at the farm in that moment. I realized that the farm itself, while my home now, is not that important to me in the end, and instead, I got this little 'dream'.

I was at home. I heard a trumpet and looked up, and there was Jesus, in the clouds, his arms open, people everywhere, and my heart soared! I was just about to raise my arms to come to him when I thought of my children and my husband. I stopped, turned my head to look for them, and when I turned back, He was gone. I missed him. I cried... and in all honesty I tear up just remembering it.

Now, I'm not saying that God would not allow us to look for our families. He knows they are important to us. What I am saying is... God spoke to ME in this. He may have a different message for you, but for me the message was clear. "Am I more important than these?" He told me that He loves my husband and children much more than I ever could... and He loves me more than anything. I need to remember that. I cannot be like Lot's wife. I cannot turn back for ANYTHING. Not that God would turn me to salt if I did, but that's not my point right now. Jesus said not to be like Lot's wife. HE is first. "Oh, wait God, I just need to quickly grab something..." doesn't happen if HE is your EVERYTHING. It doesn't happen if you trust him for everything. It... just... doesn't. I need to make sure I put Him before everything in my life, make him first... all else will follow. It's that simple... or hard... depending on how you look at it.

I cannot be in control of my children's or my husband's or any of my loved ones decision to accept Christ. I cannot control their placement of God in their lives. All I can do is pray for them, and put Him first in my own. I am in control of myself, and only myself.

And I must make the decision to put God FIRST.

This whole thing reminded me very strongly of a dream I had years ago. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had one miscarriage scare... which sparked a series of miscarriage dreams. I lost our first child only months earlier, and so, this was all very frightening for me. I felt very strongly that God told me we would not lose this one... and so in every dream, as I was dreaming I would pray, 'but Lord, you told me I wouldn't lose this one, so I cannot be having a miscarriage', even though all the signs and everyone around me in the dream was saying otherwise... I would cry, and then I would hear God say "Don't worry, *my name*, this is only a dream. You are not losing your baby." and I would wake up and all would be fine.

One day, during my devotions, I'm not sure what I read, but while I was praying I felt very strongly that God was asking me "Am I more important than all of these". "What do you mean, Lord?" "Am I more important than all of these?" I became agitated... what if this meant losing everything... my husband, my baby, my home, my family... what would come of me? He asked me again "Am I more important to you than all of these things" and it was then that I had the overwhelming sense that he didn't want to take things away from me, He wanted me to know and discover... if I had nothing that I have now, would I still love Him? And you know what? I did. I realized that if I kept everything I had, but didn't have Him, I would be very upset. I would hate it. But even if everything I had was taken from me... as long as He didn't leave me, I would be ok in the end. I cried... I don't want to lose anybody that I have in this world... but I felt peace.

I never had another miscarriage dream again.

I believe this little vision was a reminder of that night so many years ago. A reminder that I need to make sure that He is above all else in my life. I can love and enjoy all the wonderful gifts He has given me, in fact He would want me to enjoy those things, but I can't make them more important than the one who gave them to me. I need to keep perspective. And that perspective is that without God, I could have everything, and yet have nothing. HE needs to be the forefront of my life, and I need to be reminded of that every day.

Pre-trib or Post-trib?

Lately my husband and I have been reading the new testament, and a lot of striking verses have come to my attention. I've been given short visions that may not be of what will happen, but seem to be a teaching moment from God to me myself. I've read the word over and over, and have changed my beliefs on the rapture as a result. And I feel very strongly, the need to divulge some of this information to anyone else who is searching for their own answers to this question...

Pre-trib or Post-trib?

Ok... where to begin... I suppose it is best to begin in the beginning, and so, that is what I will do.

Our church has a little 'ceremony' they did years ago (I can't remember, but I think they still do) for those children who were 'graduating' from grade 2 to grade 3. The children would line up at the front of the church and receive their very first Bible. I remember being very excited! A Bible of my very own! I poured over it, not understanding very much, but loving that I had my own Bible, and I could read it whenever I wanted. (I still remember very carefully and lovingly turning each extremely thin page, looking at the gold along the edges as if it was real, and worth more than anything else I owned... which... it was). I don't know how many years it was before I heard about the book of Revelation. I decided to read it. I think I was about 10. It bothered me to no end. The imagery... especially of the winepress... it haunts me to this day, and I still have a hard time reading that specific part of the passage.

I remember running down the stairs to where my dad was sitting at the table. I still remember he had a cup of coffee. And I asked him... "Dad, will we be here when this happens?" showing him the Book of Revelations. His face got very serious, and he asked me something. "Does the Bible say that God loves us?"... well obviously yes... "I don't believe that God would let those people whom He loves have to go through things as terrible as that. I don't believe that we will be here. There are verses in the New Testament that say we will be raptured, we will meet Jesus in the air (he was talking of 1 Corinthian 15:52), and we will be with him forever. I think that Jesus will appear to those of us who are His before what the Revelations says will happen. I don't think we will be here."

I remember feeling much calmer because of that. But I didn't feel at peace. There was always something I'd read elsewhere in the Bible that made me uneasy, and I'd justify it away with "but dad said that since God loves us, He wouldn't put us through that." and then ignore portions of what I was reading, or explain it away in other things... making my own interpretation of it. And I hated it. I was not happy. I didn't like it, and I was not growing.

But I WAS growing. I was discovering something... looking at the Word, seeing things that didn't match what I was taught... my soil was being worked... ready for the planting that would happen years later.

I did read Revelation over the years... a few times. I never felt comfortable with it. I didn't like the book. If we weren't going to be here for all this, why is this book even IN the Bible to begin with? If it's for the people left behind, but God has been removed from the earth, what on earth would this book do? It would do nothing! How useless! This book is almost completely useless. I couldn't grow... I couldn't understand... my heart and my mind were not in tune with whatever the Word was saying, and it was driving me nuts.

A few years ago, a local church was doing a set of sermons on the very topic I had been avoiding for the last many years... Revelation. At least, that was how I saw it. My husband very much wanted to go listen to one or two of these sermons, and I did NOT want to. 'What's the point' I would tell him. 'It doesn't mean anything to us who believe, as we won't even be here when it all happens.' I don't think I truly believed that...

We went to one anyway... after much prodding by my husband. And I was ready to hear the same things I'd heard over and over again...

... but I didn't.

The Bible was laid bare, and the preacher started by summing up what had been stated in earlier sermons... that they believed the pre-trib rapture was a misconception, and that the Bible supports a post-trib rapture. He then went on to prove it with MANY passages of Scripture... the very passages I had been having trouble understanding for YEARS... the very passages I was explaining away.

And my heart soared.

I must say, it still sounds silly to me to feel such freedom, such relief, after hearing that all those terrible things that will happen in Revelation could very well happen within my own lifetime... and that I could very well be here for them, or even be martyred for my faith... but it was. I felt free. I felt happy... excited even. Finally, after all these years, things were making sense! The word was new again. I've read the entire Bible a few times since then, and God has opened things up to me that I would have never understood if I still had the same views as before. More of Jesus words make sense, more of the old testament seems to fit, they no longer seem like just stories to me, but like there is a reason for the stories, as though God made those things happen for future generations to see who He is, and how He works, and that no, He doesn't change, He is the same, but now we have Jesus who stands as the mediator between us and God, who will make us clean before Him, so we can be in His presence...

But God is the Same. This is important. The Old Testament stories... they are important to the understanding of the rapture, of the end of the world, of the book of Revelation, and even of Jesus own teachings. The character of God has not and will not change.

God did not remove his people from the slavery of Egypt until he had finished all the plagues on the Egyptians... his plagues did not affect his people... it would have been the Egyptians treatment of the people due to the plagues that was terrible for them... but the people stayed right there, in Egypt, until PHAROAH had enough and let them leave... until after the death of many firstborn people in the land, even Pharoah's own son.

Noah was here when the earth was riddled in sin. The people were so bad that God destroyed them all with a flood. He loved Noah and his family, and told him to build an ark. If Noah hadn't believed God, he wouldn't have survived either, but because he believed, he did exactly as God said, built the ark, put up with the ridicule of the people, and persisted. The animals came of God's doing, they entered the ark, and God shut the door, and THEN the world was flooded, and the people were drowned... that very same day.

Sodom and Gomorrah. The people were full of sin. God wished to destroy them, and because the only family that was still upright was Lot and his household, God warned him to get out, and NOT LOOK BACK. That very minute. That very night. The angels said he had to DO something. He wasn't magically going to be removed from the impending doom, but he was given his choice... go or die. And so they did. They left, and his wife looked back and turned to salt. (More on this later... man, my heart and mind are so very full right now, my fingers can hardly keep up).

Here... Revelation 18...

4 Then I heard another voice from heaven say:
“‘Come out of her, my people,’[b] so that you will not share in her sins, so that you will not receive any of her plagues; 5 for her sins are piled up to heaven, and God has remembered her crimes. 6 Give back to her as she has given; pay her back double for what she has done. Pour her a double portion from her own cup. 7 Give her as much torment and grief as the glory and luxury she gave herself. In her heart she boasts, ‘I sit enthroned as queen. I am not a widow;[c] I will never mourn.’ 8 Therefore in one day her plagues will overtake her: death, mourning and famine. She will be consumed by fire, for mighty is the Lord God who judges her."

I'm seeing a parallel here.

How many stories are there where the people underwent hardship that none of us could imagine, and God was with them, and he destroyed their adversaries after all the terrible things that happened... not before, but AFTER. How many terrible things is the church across the ocean undergoing right now? We hear so many stories of the martyrs and almost martyrs, of imprisonment and danger, and yet we believe that we will be spared the terrible martyrdom of the end of the days of the world? Why are we given specific warnings for all these things if it isn't for us to know about for some reason? God would not be warning us if he is going to magically rapture us before all that will happen. He never has... not in all the old testament.

My husband and I are currently reading through Luke, and there is so much that is being opened up to me again and again through the words of Christ in this book. A few days ago we read Luke 17. The verses that stand out to me are these...

The Coming of the Kingdom of God
20 Once, on being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, 21 nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.”[c]
22 Then he said to his disciples, “The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. 23 People will tell you, ‘There he is!’ or ‘Here he is!’ Do not go running off after them. 24 For the Son of Man in his day[d] will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. 25 But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.

26 “Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. 27 People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.

28 “It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. 29 But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.

30 “It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. 31 On that day no one who is on the housetop, with possessions inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32 Remember Lot’s wife! 33 Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it. 34 I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. 35 Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left.” [36] [e]

37 “Where, Lord?” they asked.

He replied, “Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather.”

I have lots to say on this passage, I will have to come back to it later, but the thing that struck me was how Jesus was telling his diciples that the world would be continuing like it always had been, and then Jesus would come. And the end would be here. The stories he specifically talks about show how everyone died THAT VERY DAY after the people of God left. He says it will be like the days of Noah. Noah had to prepare for the flood. He built an ark. He followed what God told him to do. He wasn't magically removed before he built the ark. He didn't go into the ark and stay there for a year before the world flooded. No... the door was shut, and the waters came. The people kept on living, oblivious to the fact that their world was about to end, even though Noah knew that the world would flood because God told him so. The people probably thought he and his family were lunatics, building a giant boat in the middle of the land... it was a joke. Yeah right. Would never happen. So they continued to live the way they always had, unbelieving, as Noah prepared. I think it will be the same in the end. Those who are in Christ will see that the antichrist has been revealed, and will RUN FOR THEIR LIVES from this man, and the city he is in. He will do terrible things to the people of God on this earth, and THEN, Jesus will come, at the sound of the last trumpet, flash across the sky like lightening, and everyone who remains on earth will go to him. The rest of the world, up until that point, will be living as though the end of the world is not nigh. Everything is as normal. Nothing strange has happened. If we were raptured before the antichrist was revealed (as a certain book series describes), wouldn't it make people wonder what on earth happened? Literally? People disappeared! Come on, that would not be like the situation with Noah, or with Lot. Nobody could even take notice that they had disappeared before they were swept away in God's wrath. God's people are gone/safe and YOUR DOOM HAS COME! That very day. It was that way for the people of Noah's time, for Sodom and Gomorrah... just as Jesus said.

I had another discussion with my dad recently about this very topic. I have one verse that, to me, proves that we will be leaving at the end of the tribulation. I couldn't remember the reference at the time, but I have it now, and I want anyone who wonders to look it up for themselves. I want the Bible to tell us the truth. I don't want to just believe what someone else has said because 'they did the work, and they said so'. That is not the way to find truth. I don't want preconcieved perceptions of what will happen to cloud my reasoning (which it probably will anyway). I want the Bible to tell me. I want to see the Bible EXACTLY for what it is.

1 Cor 15:51-53

51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.

This verse is brought up whenever the rapture is talked about, and I have to wonder why a certain part of it is always ignored. "At the last trumpet". The LAST trumpet. What other mention of trumpets is there, except in Revelation, where the last of the seven seals holds the seven trumpets? The LAST trumpet. We will be changed! Clothed with immortality! And that verse makes no sense if we are to be taken before the tribulation... 1 Thess 4:16 says "For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." If the dead will rise first, how can we, who are alive, be taken before the last trumpet, and then the dead at the last trumpet. The dead will rise first, and those who are alive will also come at the trumpet call of God... at the LAST TRUMPET.

I just don't know how much clearer you can get then that. Unless I am somehow mistaken in what is being said here, but like I said before... I want truth. Give it to me in black and white. Please.

I apologize to anyone I may make angry. I don't mean to offend or put you down in any way... I am honestly trying to find the answers, and the answer I was given so many years ago... it just doesn't cut it for me. To me, I've discovered that God is not a 'feel good' God. We've boxed Him in, we've taken away His power by putting restrictions on Him, but I believe He has so much He is trying to reveal to us... so much that we just aren't getting because of our longing for a 'feel good' talk, or for things that people have told us that are not necessarily the Word itself.

Because I'm searching for the truth, I had to look up something that is brought up every time this topic comes up. I've been told that the Holy Spirit will be removed from the earth before the AntiChrist will appear. I've asked so many times what verses say that, because I really want to know. Well, a conversation yesturday yielded results... I searched them out on the web (I love Google) and came up with a number of sites, all yielding the exact same verse.

2Thess 2:5-9 Do you not remember that when I was still with you I told you these things? 6 And now you know what is restraining (Witholdeth), that he may be revealed in his own time. 7 For the mystery of lawlessness (iniquity) is already at work; only he who now restrains will do so until he is taken out of the way. 8 And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord will consume with the breath of His mouth and destroy with the brightness of His coming.’

Never in this verse does it directly say that the Holy Spirit will be removed from the world. That is an interpretation that people have given it. If Paul was talking about the Holy Spirit, would he not have said so directly, as he has in all his other letters regarding anything speaking about the Holy Spirit? I wonder if we are not reading this wrong... that the thing restrained is not the lawlessness, but the MYSTERY of lawlessness. If that is what is being restrained, would the Holy Spirit be the one restraining it? Wouldn't that mean the 'he' written about would actually be restraining the truth? The Holy Spirit would not restrain the truth from us. He was given to us to reveal the truth. In fact, this verse, if it is talking about removing the Holy Spirit from the earth, then the sentence reads that that would happen before the lawless one is revealed, which contradicts the paragraph above it...

2 Thessalonians 2
1 Concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him, we ask you, brothers and sisters, 2 not to become easily unsettled or alarmed by the teaching allegedly from us—whether by a prophecy or by word of mouth or by letter—asserting that the day of the Lord has already come. 3 Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness[a] is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. 4 He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.

These verses right here tell me that we cannot fall prey to others telling us the day of the Lord has already come. The MAN OF LAWLESSNESS, which is the antichrist, will be revealed BEFORE the day comes. Look at Matthew 24:4 onward. I will point out specifics since it is a long passage. The entire passage is warning about the persecution the people of God will undergo in those end times. Wars and rumors of wars... really.. read it! Verse 15-25...

"So when you see standing in the holy place 'the abomination that causes
desolation' spoken of through the prophet Daniel - let the reader understand -
then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let no one on the
roof of his house go down to take anything out of the house. Let no one in
the field go back to take his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days
for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that your flight will not
take place in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great
distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now-and never to be
equaled again. If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive,
but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. At that time if
anyone says to you, 'look, here is the Christ!' or, 'There he is!' do not
believe it. For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform
great signs and mirricles ro decieve even the elect - if that were
possible. See, I have told you ahead of time."

Ok, so why is Jesus warning us if we are gone? The antichrist is revealed, and the people are to RUN FOR THEIR LIVES! Don't look back, dreadful for nursing mothers (I've been one, and it's hard enough living a normal life with being pregnant or nursing, never mind being on the run. I don't think this means God will take away all believers and babies at this time, I think it means exactly what it says... it will be terrible for nursing moms and pregnant women). Pray that it doesn't take place in winter... how hard would it be to run for your life in winter? Really. Jesus is letting us know ahead of time. The antichrist will come. When you recognize it, RUN! Save your life! Why would he say that if we are to be taken already? The antichrist is a part of the tribulation (aka great trial or suffering), as talked about in Daniel and Revelation. So... we cannot be gone! Christ will not come 'again again'. He will come once more for all. He will come in glory and majesty. He will come with a shout, with the last trumpet call of God, and He will take all that are His in His march against The beast and the Antichrist, and they will be destroyed by the breath of His mouth and sent to their doom, and we will reign with Him on the earth for 1000 yrs! (and then the revelation goes on about Satan's re-release from imprisonment to sway the nations and one final battle where he is also sent to the lake of fire with all who do not have their name in the book of life.. but I digress)...

Huzzah!

That is what I believe. That is what I have read. That is what the Bible has told me in plain words, no holding back. That is my experience with the beliefs of BOTH pre and post trib rapture, and this is my stance. If the Bible were to prove me wrong, then it will prove me wrong, but so far, as it has been my experience, the Bible has proven my previous belief wrong, and has opened up so much more since I stopped believing that we are going before all the terrible persecutions that the tribulation will bring... and I believe that this has been revealed to me as truth... from my experience... because once I believed, I was 'set free'...

Completely... free...

And the Word has not been the same. It has opened up in so many new ways, and I have been so blessed in the reading and studying of the Word. So, I leave you with this verse, as you discover truth for yourself, as you read the Word yourself, and not take my word for it, but discover it on your own...

John 8:32 "And then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Let's be free! Let's not take others words as truth, and lay the Bible bare, and look for the truth that God has sent us. Please. God is waiting. Seek and you will find. But, you have to SEEK.

Note: I will continue to seek, as there is still much in the Bible that I do not completely understand... specifically on Daniel and Revelation regarding the last hour. More specifically, regarding the whole 7 year theory, which I cannot find spoken of specifically, but is instead coming out as interpretations, once again, by some very smart people, but they are interpretations, and I don't want to believe them fully until God reveals to me that it is indeed 7 years he talks of (Daniel speaks of time, times and half a time which is regarded as 3.5 years... and then there is mention of a 'seven' and something happening halfway through the 'seven', with the antichrist... and it is all very confusing for me and beyond the scope of what I am willing to discuss at this time. When God reveals to me what he wants me to see there specifically, I will understand, and I will probably talk about it. The 7 year theory does sound like a plausible one from the things others have said, and from what I've read in Daniel, but I am not going to believe it as 'truth' or as 'scriptural' because, from my readings, the bible has never said 'the tribulation will last 7 years' explicitly. If you can prove it to me, please do!).

Ok... I've gone on long enough.