So, a while back we finished week 3 of the 52 week challenge. I know I was going to come on and recap more often, but things have been really busy in the house. Prepping my own food for every meal and trying to start freezing meals for when baby comes is proving to take up a lot of my time... and energy. Baby feels to have dropped a bit, making getting up and down a task and a half, haha.
Remember week 1? No sugar? I am not struggling with this one so much anymore. I haven't gained any weight over the last three weeks (which suprised me as usually I gain about a lb a week in the last two months of pregnancy), and am eating much healthier. The weight is shifting to belly as baby grows, and their movements are stronger and more frequent. No sugar lows anymore, which is wonderful, and I do not actually crave sugary things anymore (besides dark chocolate... I did cave one day and ate a piece). I'm spending a lot more time in my kitchen however, which I'm not so sure I care for right now as I'd like to get into my workshop and build a desk extension for a crafting and sewing space in my office... but I'm happy to be making healthier foods which not only benefit me, but my whole family.
Week 2 was forgiving oneself. I am happy to report that many of the issues I was having have pretty much gone! I still have to stop myself on occasion, but realizing what my problem was was half the battle! I no longer have nightmares about this individual (yay!) and I only have 'breakdowns' when forcing myself to do farmbooks (which cause me stress no matter what I try to do it seems). My husband has noticed a difference in my emotional capacity to handle things as well, and although still exhausted and stressed (haven't been sleeping properly the last while), I'm not crying over every little thing any more. At least, not as often as I was... :)
Anyway, week 3 was to put on the armor of God each morning... from Ephesians 6. You can find the starting post on it on My Wings are Made of Faith, here.
Wow.
I have often struggled with the prospect of actually putting on the armor of God. I mean, knowing what it is is one thing, but how do you actually put on such an armor? This week, God has revealed bits and pieces of his armor to me and they've taken on new meaning.
First, I needed to remember the verses so I could think about them throughout the day. I'd memorized this passage many years ago, and I'm so thankful for that as it has helped me tremendously in remembering what the armor of God is. Then, I just prayed that God would help me put on this armor, and as I did so he daily revealed something new to me.
I know it is probably different for everyone, but this is what I've found.
The Belt of Truth - We are first told to gird the belt of truth around our waist. I just always looked at this as 'a belt of truth', but never really thought about the item or what it really was. We use belts to hold up our pants. Rather embarrassing to have the pants fall down, right? Well, I figured that God was telling me that the truth, even if it may seem embarrassing, is actually much more effective at keeping our integrety intact than not telling the truth. Seems simple enough. And really, we already know that, right? The other thing He brought to mind goes along the same lines of the things we are to think about (whatever is true, noble, kind, pure, excellent, praiseworthy... etc). The belt sits around our waist, just above our large intestine... whose main focus is to digest our food. It expells the waste while filtering out the good stuff and sending it through the intestine walls to the blood, which then feeds our bodies. I know belts don't usually associate with intestines, but I found this striking revelation. I need to do like my intestine does... whatever I'm fed I need to digest, look at what is true, and what is not, and use the truth to 'feed' my body/mind/heart while discarding the rest. That's a lot of work for a belt to do, and it probably seems like one of the least important parts of 'armor' when you look at it. However, it must have been mentioned first for a reason.
The Breastplate of Righteousness- A breastplate covers some of our most vital organs. I felt that God was telling me that I needed to remember that His righteousness covers me and protects me. I have nothing to fear. I am saved, and His righteousness covers me.
The Boots of Readiness from the Gospel of Peace- This was another item I've always struggled with. I've never really tried to understand it. However, I felt that we are in a place in our lives right now where this one really hit home. Readiness... boots of readiness. I need to be ready to follow my Lord wherever He leads, on His time, when He says. Right now, I am in a place where I dont know what we are supposed to do next, and I don't know when things are going to happen. This is a very difficult thing for me. I've been doing what I can to prepare for one thing or the other... both, actually. We don't know if we'll be moving... so I'm prepping this house for when baby comes in such a way that I'm not attached. I'm also reorganizing and working with our current items to ready them for a quick packing, if it is so needed. I felt relief when realizing what the boots of readiness really are. I will follow God, and by doing so I will feel peace. I will walk in peace, knowing that his leading is where I need to go. If I do not feel peace, I need to stop, re-evaluate, and find out if I'm actually following Him or my own agenda.
The Shield of Faith- This one stuck out as well. When you hold a shield, where do you hold it? In front of you! It does no good at 'quenching the fiery arrows of the evil one' if it's beside or behind you. So, no matter where I go, I need to make sure my Faith in God and in his leading of me is before me... or else when the darts come flying, I'll shy away.
The Helmet of Salvation- This one was simple. No matter what, I am secure in the knowledge of my salvation in Christ. I am saved, no matter how many mistakes I make, no matter what I do. He loves me, He saved me, and I need not fear.
The Sword of the Spirit- The only offensive weapon. The Word of God. I need to know his Word, and I need to dwell on it so I can strike down the evil one when he attacks me close range. Only the Word will be able to remove him. I can stand there and use all the other armor pieces to protect myself, but even the strongest of warriors with no weapon will become exhausted... and none of the armor pieces protects my back. So, I need the Word of God to be my sword so I can cut down the enemy and triumph.
I am so happy to see these pieces of armor take on meaning for me! I'm sure the meanings will change and adjust as my life does to bring new things to light as new challenges face me, but right now I am thrilled to be able to put on the armor each morning, knowing what it means for me. I may fail some days, I may not remember all the pieces, but I will try, and God will help me.
Here is Wings of Faith week 3 recap.
Week 4 is Do Not Fear. I have been having a tougher time getting started on this one... but God has been revealing my fears to me through the week. I hope to take some time to sit down and work on this one today during the kids nap time. I need to do this more than nap myself, haha.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
The 52 Week Challenge Update
Time for an update on this challenge! You can read more about it here. Or, find the link directly to the blog where we are doing this here at My Wings are made of Faith.
This is not an easy journey! Then again, most things worth doing aren't easy. And this post... it is a lot longer than I was expecting it to get!
Continuing the Sugar Detox:
This is a very rough journey for me right now. I am finding that it is difficult to make meals as I am completely exhausted, but if I want to eat something that doesn't contain sugar that is a 'meal' with the family, I have to make foods from scratch. And I am not consuming enough calories. The weight that I am, my physical activity levels, and the fact that I'm pregnant means I should be eating 2100 calories per day (actually, LoseIt puts it higher than that, since I still exercise daily). I'm not even eating 1800. And that is what I used to eat regularly before pregnancy. So, I think that I am in essence starving my body. I am finding it easier to just 'not eat' in favor of expending the energy making the food to eat. I have almonds and cottage cheese to snack on, as well as a bunch of fruits and veggies. I've been consuming a lot of hard boiled eggs and tuna straight from the can (ok... not a lot of tuna, but it's easier for lunches than cooking). I'm still limiting my bread, but other grains are not something I'm interested in. I still don't like rice. I'm not sure why, but salmon is just 'yuck' to me this pregnancy. I have to force it down. I really want dairy, eggs, avocados and salsa. I'm trying to eat more almonds as well. Even some of the highly dense calorie foods just haven't been bringing me over the limit. I'm finding it hard to focus my eyes on anything (seriously... I'm that exhausted), or exercise, or play with the kids or clean up after them... I have difficulty being creative, yet I long to work on crafts and organizing. I have lots of work to do to prep this house for baby but zero energy to do so... and so, I'm napping... a lot. And getting nothing done. And stressing about that...
Which leads me to week 2. Forgiving myself
I have been very hard on myself the last few months. In October we had some major family drama... with one individual. I snapped on them for what they were doing to my husband, to my family and family time, the farm, and to me. I let them know exactly how I felt about what they were doing, and that I was not going to put up with them trying to make us feel guilty for the stuff they were doing to themselves. Long story short, I have been made to feel guilty for my actions. I have not been able to apologize to this individual because I will not permit them anywhere near me, nor my kids (I will not get into the reasons here... that is a whole different post which will probably never happen), and in all honesty, I do not believe I was actually in the wrong, but I hate conflict, so I automatically want to 'apologize'. Christmas was changed specifically because of this incident as I said I was not letting my kids be in the same building as this person. And although nothing has been said to me directly, I have heard 'through the grapevine' that this person blames me for everything. I am the reason 'he didn't have a Christmas', even though he did go to his parents for Christmas. The rest of the siblings chose to come on the day we were there rather than the day he was there. Even my mother in law said things that let me know that she blames me and my 'pregnancy' for the reason the whole family wasn't together for Christmas. This family being 'broken' is not my doing, but I'm not willing to just let things slide, so it's 'my' fault that problems are rising. This individual has, from what I can tell, tried to put my own father against me... which would never work to begin with. However, by bringing this back up just before Christmas, it brought all the memories of that evening back and that has caused me undo stress.
So now I'm dealing with myself and my negative emotions that have just been continuing and continuing. When I think I can finally forget, something comes up that brings it all back because it is not actually being dealt with properly. I don't have closure. And then I feel guilty for thinking about it again, because it is negative and I can't stress about this anymore. I don't have the emotional capacity for this. So I have mental breakdowns, and meltdowns, and cry over my house not being clean again, or about having left the farmbooks too long and having too many things to do at once, and I cannot handle it. And then I feel guilty for listening to my body and napping instead of getting things done.
I am emotionally spent. I have nothing left. And I thought I had dealt with all this already.
I have found out that, when I have issues forgiving myself over something, it usually comes through in dreams. When I was pregnant with our very first, I remember experiencing a terrifying fear of birth at some point, and the word 'abortion' crossed my mind. I immediately removed the thought, knowing that it was Satan trying to come trip me up, as it were. Weeks later, we found out that the baby had died, and within a week I would be having my own little 'labor and delivery' at home... only with no baby.
I blamed myself.
I didn't blame myself for very long, or so I had thought. I prayed and prayed and knew it was not my fault that the baby didn't survive, but the fact that that word had even crossed my mind made me feel such intense guilt, that somehow I didn't want that baby and that was the reason why they had died. None of that makes any logical sense. But when do emotions make logical sense? The first few months I was pregnant with my daughter I had so many nightmares about miscarriage that I can't even begin to count them. It was terrifying. I had to come to grips with a few things, spend a massive amount of my time in prayer, and only then was that fear gone, dealt with, and my nightmares done. My suffering over.
I've had many many nightmares regarding the individual we've had drama with over the last year.
I know that part of this is to keep me on my toes... to keep my family safe. However, I cannot last on adrenaline. I cannot keep up this battle within myself. And I also realize that part of this is my body and mind trying to deal with what happened in the only way it knows how, since it isn't something I can gain closure on. I've been physically ill due to what happened... and we were actually fearing for the baby (this one is a trooper, though).
But how does one forgive oneself for something like this, when you don't even know what you need to forgive? How does one get rid of guilt over something that they shouldn't have guilt over? How does one deal with 'Satan's guilt'? I've prayed and prayed, and aside from trying really really hard to pray every time the thoughts enter my mind, I don't know what else to do. I'm having a tough time with this.
That said... I have already noticed that my emotions aren't as 'all over the place' this week. I still have a hard time, but I haven't had the meltdowns regularly like before. I have obviously started the healing process, even though, to me, it feels as though I have gotten nowhere since I'm still battling the same things.
Perhaps my time with God is helping me win this battle? He has been helping me see that I am worth it... I am not alone... I am not unworthy... I will make mistakes, but He is my heavenly Father and will always be there for me. I am not Superwoman. I am not meant to deal with this stuff alone. None of us are. But somehow, I have forgotten that, and I have been trying fruitlessly to take care of things myself. I feel as though it is MY responsibility to fix MY problems. I feel I have failed in some of my responsibilities in the home and on the farm, as a wife and as a mom, and that I have to somehow fix it myself, which I do not currently have the capacity for. If I am criticized for anything (because I feel I need to do things really well, not perfect but as close to as I can), than I am not a proper wife and mom and I don't know what else to be right now.
God is my Father. He loves me, just as I love my children. Sure, they do things that make me shake my head, or feel frustration, or get upset, but I love them. Watching them do day-to-day things makes me smile. Seeing them smile about something as simple as a sunrise, or watching the wind blow the branches, or the moon in the sky, it makes me so proud. And my Father is like that. He delights in watching me just be me. And somehow with the stresses of life, I have forgotten about that. I needed the reminder.
So what if my house isn't immaculate right now? I need to say 'No big deal'. So what if I let my responsibilities slide a little as I take a break, or if things take me longer to do? I'm still getting them done, they will still be there later. I need to look at my accomplishments rather than my 'to-do list'. And I need to set less things for myself to do. I need to recognize what my physical body is capable of right now, and it is a lot less than it was capable of 6 or even 3 months ago.
I still hate procrastination, but I'm seeing it for what it is right now. I'm actually doing it as a means of avoiding stress. Farm bookwork creates stress for me. Every time. I cannot deal with any more stress right now. Therefore, I've been avoiding it. I need to do it still, but I have to find a way to do so without the added stress. How, I'm still not sure. But God will help me figure it all out.
So as I sit and ponder the 'do I do bookwork or do I take a nap' question yet again, knowing that nap will inevitably win out since I can barely keep my eyes open, I need to remember who I am, that I have limitations, and that 'it is OK'. And not feel guilty. Or maybe I should say, not let the guilt that I start to feel overtake me as it isn't true guilt that will lead to anything fruitful, but Satan's guilt that will only hold me further back. And if I fail to recognize it one day, that is fine too. As long as I DO recognize it and change it asap. God loves me when I succeed, and He loves me when I fail. He is with me no matter what. Now I need to stop fighting Him and fighting myself, and just let myself live.
This is not an easy journey! Then again, most things worth doing aren't easy. And this post... it is a lot longer than I was expecting it to get!
Continuing the Sugar Detox:
This is a very rough journey for me right now. I am finding that it is difficult to make meals as I am completely exhausted, but if I want to eat something that doesn't contain sugar that is a 'meal' with the family, I have to make foods from scratch. And I am not consuming enough calories. The weight that I am, my physical activity levels, and the fact that I'm pregnant means I should be eating 2100 calories per day (actually, LoseIt puts it higher than that, since I still exercise daily). I'm not even eating 1800. And that is what I used to eat regularly before pregnancy. So, I think that I am in essence starving my body. I am finding it easier to just 'not eat' in favor of expending the energy making the food to eat. I have almonds and cottage cheese to snack on, as well as a bunch of fruits and veggies. I've been consuming a lot of hard boiled eggs and tuna straight from the can (ok... not a lot of tuna, but it's easier for lunches than cooking). I'm still limiting my bread, but other grains are not something I'm interested in. I still don't like rice. I'm not sure why, but salmon is just 'yuck' to me this pregnancy. I have to force it down. I really want dairy, eggs, avocados and salsa. I'm trying to eat more almonds as well. Even some of the highly dense calorie foods just haven't been bringing me over the limit. I'm finding it hard to focus my eyes on anything (seriously... I'm that exhausted), or exercise, or play with the kids or clean up after them... I have difficulty being creative, yet I long to work on crafts and organizing. I have lots of work to do to prep this house for baby but zero energy to do so... and so, I'm napping... a lot. And getting nothing done. And stressing about that...
Which leads me to week 2. Forgiving myself
I have been very hard on myself the last few months. In October we had some major family drama... with one individual. I snapped on them for what they were doing to my husband, to my family and family time, the farm, and to me. I let them know exactly how I felt about what they were doing, and that I was not going to put up with them trying to make us feel guilty for the stuff they were doing to themselves. Long story short, I have been made to feel guilty for my actions. I have not been able to apologize to this individual because I will not permit them anywhere near me, nor my kids (I will not get into the reasons here... that is a whole different post which will probably never happen), and in all honesty, I do not believe I was actually in the wrong, but I hate conflict, so I automatically want to 'apologize'. Christmas was changed specifically because of this incident as I said I was not letting my kids be in the same building as this person. And although nothing has been said to me directly, I have heard 'through the grapevine' that this person blames me for everything. I am the reason 'he didn't have a Christmas', even though he did go to his parents for Christmas. The rest of the siblings chose to come on the day we were there rather than the day he was there. Even my mother in law said things that let me know that she blames me and my 'pregnancy' for the reason the whole family wasn't together for Christmas. This family being 'broken' is not my doing, but I'm not willing to just let things slide, so it's 'my' fault that problems are rising. This individual has, from what I can tell, tried to put my own father against me... which would never work to begin with. However, by bringing this back up just before Christmas, it brought all the memories of that evening back and that has caused me undo stress.
So now I'm dealing with myself and my negative emotions that have just been continuing and continuing. When I think I can finally forget, something comes up that brings it all back because it is not actually being dealt with properly. I don't have closure. And then I feel guilty for thinking about it again, because it is negative and I can't stress about this anymore. I don't have the emotional capacity for this. So I have mental breakdowns, and meltdowns, and cry over my house not being clean again, or about having left the farmbooks too long and having too many things to do at once, and I cannot handle it. And then I feel guilty for listening to my body and napping instead of getting things done.
I am emotionally spent. I have nothing left. And I thought I had dealt with all this already.
I have found out that, when I have issues forgiving myself over something, it usually comes through in dreams. When I was pregnant with our very first, I remember experiencing a terrifying fear of birth at some point, and the word 'abortion' crossed my mind. I immediately removed the thought, knowing that it was Satan trying to come trip me up, as it were. Weeks later, we found out that the baby had died, and within a week I would be having my own little 'labor and delivery' at home... only with no baby.
I blamed myself.
I didn't blame myself for very long, or so I had thought. I prayed and prayed and knew it was not my fault that the baby didn't survive, but the fact that that word had even crossed my mind made me feel such intense guilt, that somehow I didn't want that baby and that was the reason why they had died. None of that makes any logical sense. But when do emotions make logical sense? The first few months I was pregnant with my daughter I had so many nightmares about miscarriage that I can't even begin to count them. It was terrifying. I had to come to grips with a few things, spend a massive amount of my time in prayer, and only then was that fear gone, dealt with, and my nightmares done. My suffering over.
I've had many many nightmares regarding the individual we've had drama with over the last year.
I know that part of this is to keep me on my toes... to keep my family safe. However, I cannot last on adrenaline. I cannot keep up this battle within myself. And I also realize that part of this is my body and mind trying to deal with what happened in the only way it knows how, since it isn't something I can gain closure on. I've been physically ill due to what happened... and we were actually fearing for the baby (this one is a trooper, though).
But how does one forgive oneself for something like this, when you don't even know what you need to forgive? How does one get rid of guilt over something that they shouldn't have guilt over? How does one deal with 'Satan's guilt'? I've prayed and prayed, and aside from trying really really hard to pray every time the thoughts enter my mind, I don't know what else to do. I'm having a tough time with this.
That said... I have already noticed that my emotions aren't as 'all over the place' this week. I still have a hard time, but I haven't had the meltdowns regularly like before. I have obviously started the healing process, even though, to me, it feels as though I have gotten nowhere since I'm still battling the same things.
Perhaps my time with God is helping me win this battle? He has been helping me see that I am worth it... I am not alone... I am not unworthy... I will make mistakes, but He is my heavenly Father and will always be there for me. I am not Superwoman. I am not meant to deal with this stuff alone. None of us are. But somehow, I have forgotten that, and I have been trying fruitlessly to take care of things myself. I feel as though it is MY responsibility to fix MY problems. I feel I have failed in some of my responsibilities in the home and on the farm, as a wife and as a mom, and that I have to somehow fix it myself, which I do not currently have the capacity for. If I am criticized for anything (because I feel I need to do things really well, not perfect but as close to as I can), than I am not a proper wife and mom and I don't know what else to be right now.
God is my Father. He loves me, just as I love my children. Sure, they do things that make me shake my head, or feel frustration, or get upset, but I love them. Watching them do day-to-day things makes me smile. Seeing them smile about something as simple as a sunrise, or watching the wind blow the branches, or the moon in the sky, it makes me so proud. And my Father is like that. He delights in watching me just be me. And somehow with the stresses of life, I have forgotten about that. I needed the reminder.
So what if my house isn't immaculate right now? I need to say 'No big deal'. So what if I let my responsibilities slide a little as I take a break, or if things take me longer to do? I'm still getting them done, they will still be there later. I need to look at my accomplishments rather than my 'to-do list'. And I need to set less things for myself to do. I need to recognize what my physical body is capable of right now, and it is a lot less than it was capable of 6 or even 3 months ago.
I still hate procrastination, but I'm seeing it for what it is right now. I'm actually doing it as a means of avoiding stress. Farm bookwork creates stress for me. Every time. I cannot deal with any more stress right now. Therefore, I've been avoiding it. I need to do it still, but I have to find a way to do so without the added stress. How, I'm still not sure. But God will help me figure it all out.
So as I sit and ponder the 'do I do bookwork or do I take a nap' question yet again, knowing that nap will inevitably win out since I can barely keep my eyes open, I need to remember who I am, that I have limitations, and that 'it is OK'. And not feel guilty. Or maybe I should say, not let the guilt that I start to feel overtake me as it isn't true guilt that will lead to anything fruitful, but Satan's guilt that will only hold me further back. And if I fail to recognize it one day, that is fine too. As long as I DO recognize it and change it asap. God loves me when I succeed, and He loves me when I fail. He is with me no matter what. Now I need to stop fighting Him and fighting myself, and just let myself live.
Monday, January 7, 2013
A 52 Week Journey
Hello, everyone, and welcome to 2013!
I've never been one on New Years Resolutions... not really anyway. I make 'resolutions' throughout the year. I am a goal setter, and I very rarely do not meet my goals because I make them such a huge priority, especially if I write them down.
Actually, I sometimes let these goals take over and run my emotional state of being. I set weekly goals, usually containing something for a much larger goal I wish to accomplish at some point. However, if I do not complete everything on my weekly list, I am very down on myself. And even more so now that I'm pregnant. I am finding I HAVE to make my lists shorter and have easier tasks on them, less physically draining ones, as I am very very exhausted lately.
On January 2nd, in the evening, I was made aware of a 52 week wholly healing journey by a cousin of mine on Facebook. She didn't bring it to me directly, I just happened across it, and I felt very strongly that this was something I should do. Not only is this going to focus on physical healing, but emotional, spiritual, and mental healing as well. The first week was already underway as it started Dec 31... and it started with a 90 day sugar detox. (Thanks to My Wings are Made of Faith and her blog on healing!)
I looked at it and said... "I need to do this".
Each week we get a download journal to print off and fill out as we go. I will also be journalling my progress in my regular devotional journal as things happen. I decided this morning, as we start on our second week challenge, that I would like to keep track of some thoughts and things on my blog as well. My blog really is all over the place, isn't it? :)
The first week is officially over now... although the challenge lasts for 90 days, not just 7. That will be the more difficult part of things, I'm sure... managing to continue. But I will. I'm determined.
Want to know how my first week (or should I say, first 4 days) of no sugar went? Well TOO BAD... you're going to hear about it anyway (hahaha).
Day one wasn't actually as hard as I thought. I still had a bunch of treats in the cupboard that I'd LOVE to have (mint chocolate is one of my weaknesses... well, mint and chocolate are bad enough by themselves, but together...). I saw the stuff I wanted... and closed the cabinet door and grabbed a glass of water. I found myself snacking on carrots with a new dressing I came up with myself (ranch that doesn't include mayo... as mayo has sugar in it), and eating celery with natural peanutbutter (which was easy, seeing as we've switched a lot of these sugary things out over the last four years already for no sugar alternatives). I've been drinking lots more water (instead of snacking) and eating hardboiled eggs again. I want to make green smoothies, but we need to purchase spinach for that. I've also been eating the homemade buns I make as they use honey instead of sugar to make the yeast work. Otherwise, all the food items that contain sugar, glucose, fructose, glucose solids, honey, etc, I will not eat or put into the meals we eat. It hasn't been as hard as I thought. Apparently I've been doing a lot of that already for over a year, and so this challenge looks to be a little easier than I was imagining. The hardest part is no desserts or sweet snacks. And I LOVE my desserts. But that's ok.
My hardest day was yesturday as it was the first time we were not home all day. I really wanted to have some of those cookies at the church in the morning. I found myself grabbing a small piece of jalapeno cheese, not knowing it was as spicy as it was, and guzzled a cup or two of water shortly afterward. It did still my craving for those cookies though. I also had to fight my urge to eat the cookies and candies (especially the chocolate mint ones) at my parents house, but I didn't give in! Yay! Perhaps I can be strong in this, even while pregnant!
I've noticed some major physical changes in my body since I started this. Already. And it's only been 4 days (I'm on day 5). First, my eczema is so much better! I can hardly believe how much nicer my hand looks! It is still itchy at times, but I was expecting it to get worse before it would get better! Especially with all the sugar I was eating before. Another is the exhaustion. I am even more physically depleted of energy than before. I was actually expecting the opposite... although that will probably take a while before I see that happen. I am very drained, I can hardly stand at times, and so I reach for some tuna, or a hard boiled egg when that happens. I am drinking a lot more water, and I've had a cup of tea every evening (in the place of all the sugar I was eating after supper). I have less heartburn when I drink the peppermint tea in the evening, and I've been sleeping better. My skin is softer as well, something I wasn't really expecting. I'm hoping that perhaps the redness in my cheeks (bumps and whatnot, something that has been making me feel super ugly as of late) will clear up in time with all of this as well! As for the baby... I've been having regular Braxton's as of late. Especially with cutting out the sugar and drinking the Raspberry and Peppermint teas. I never really drank tea before this. I'd have a cup a month if lucky. So I'm thinking my uterus is prepping early, hopefully making my labor later on less painful and easier? I can hope, right?
Anyway, I was excited to see what the second week would bring. You can find the link here.
We are to work on forgiveness. More specifically, forgiving ourselves.
This is big for me right now. I've been battling myself the last month, I've been drained both emotionally, and physically, and now realizing that I'm not doing so well spiritually myself. I want to get closer to God, but I feel incapable of even knowing how. This 'forgive yourself' thing seems to have opened my eyes a little. I've been terribly hard on myself the last while. I'm feeling stressed about not having things ready for baby, and guilty for being so exhausted and napping almost daily instead of working on getting the basement fixed up for storage so we can start reworking the bedrooms upstairs. I feel guilty that my kids have to still share a bedroom, even after we rework things. I feel guilt over my own actions in this pregnancy... my breakdowns, my emotions, my physical state of being (example... I would eat whatever sugar I could find in the house, even things I never would normally go for, instead of eating the healthy things I know are better for me and baby). I feel bad for disconnecting myself from people... including my own husband and kids.
I know that a lot of this is actually related to my exhaustion and hormonal changes as I'm in my third trimester, but I did not remember things being this bad with my other pregnancies. And I feel that I am not a good mom or wife because of my inability to control my emotions.
I am looking forward to doing the challenge this week. I'm really hoping to change my emotional state of being as of late, as it has not been a very nice roller coaster ride. And I'm hoping that these coming weeks will bring with them a better relationship with my spouse and kids as I am able to put things aside emotionally and see things in a more positive light.
I've never been one on New Years Resolutions... not really anyway. I make 'resolutions' throughout the year. I am a goal setter, and I very rarely do not meet my goals because I make them such a huge priority, especially if I write them down.
Actually, I sometimes let these goals take over and run my emotional state of being. I set weekly goals, usually containing something for a much larger goal I wish to accomplish at some point. However, if I do not complete everything on my weekly list, I am very down on myself. And even more so now that I'm pregnant. I am finding I HAVE to make my lists shorter and have easier tasks on them, less physically draining ones, as I am very very exhausted lately.
On January 2nd, in the evening, I was made aware of a 52 week wholly healing journey by a cousin of mine on Facebook. She didn't bring it to me directly, I just happened across it, and I felt very strongly that this was something I should do. Not only is this going to focus on physical healing, but emotional, spiritual, and mental healing as well. The first week was already underway as it started Dec 31... and it started with a 90 day sugar detox. (Thanks to My Wings are Made of Faith and her blog on healing!)
I looked at it and said... "I need to do this".
Each week we get a download journal to print off and fill out as we go. I will also be journalling my progress in my regular devotional journal as things happen. I decided this morning, as we start on our second week challenge, that I would like to keep track of some thoughts and things on my blog as well. My blog really is all over the place, isn't it? :)
The first week is officially over now... although the challenge lasts for 90 days, not just 7. That will be the more difficult part of things, I'm sure... managing to continue. But I will. I'm determined.
Want to know how my first week (or should I say, first 4 days) of no sugar went? Well TOO BAD... you're going to hear about it anyway (hahaha).
Day one wasn't actually as hard as I thought. I still had a bunch of treats in the cupboard that I'd LOVE to have (mint chocolate is one of my weaknesses... well, mint and chocolate are bad enough by themselves, but together...). I saw the stuff I wanted... and closed the cabinet door and grabbed a glass of water. I found myself snacking on carrots with a new dressing I came up with myself (ranch that doesn't include mayo... as mayo has sugar in it), and eating celery with natural peanutbutter (which was easy, seeing as we've switched a lot of these sugary things out over the last four years already for no sugar alternatives). I've been drinking lots more water (instead of snacking) and eating hardboiled eggs again. I want to make green smoothies, but we need to purchase spinach for that. I've also been eating the homemade buns I make as they use honey instead of sugar to make the yeast work. Otherwise, all the food items that contain sugar, glucose, fructose, glucose solids, honey, etc, I will not eat or put into the meals we eat. It hasn't been as hard as I thought. Apparently I've been doing a lot of that already for over a year, and so this challenge looks to be a little easier than I was imagining. The hardest part is no desserts or sweet snacks. And I LOVE my desserts. But that's ok.
My hardest day was yesturday as it was the first time we were not home all day. I really wanted to have some of those cookies at the church in the morning. I found myself grabbing a small piece of jalapeno cheese, not knowing it was as spicy as it was, and guzzled a cup or two of water shortly afterward. It did still my craving for those cookies though. I also had to fight my urge to eat the cookies and candies (especially the chocolate mint ones) at my parents house, but I didn't give in! Yay! Perhaps I can be strong in this, even while pregnant!
I've noticed some major physical changes in my body since I started this. Already. And it's only been 4 days (I'm on day 5). First, my eczema is so much better! I can hardly believe how much nicer my hand looks! It is still itchy at times, but I was expecting it to get worse before it would get better! Especially with all the sugar I was eating before. Another is the exhaustion. I am even more physically depleted of energy than before. I was actually expecting the opposite... although that will probably take a while before I see that happen. I am very drained, I can hardly stand at times, and so I reach for some tuna, or a hard boiled egg when that happens. I am drinking a lot more water, and I've had a cup of tea every evening (in the place of all the sugar I was eating after supper). I have less heartburn when I drink the peppermint tea in the evening, and I've been sleeping better. My skin is softer as well, something I wasn't really expecting. I'm hoping that perhaps the redness in my cheeks (bumps and whatnot, something that has been making me feel super ugly as of late) will clear up in time with all of this as well! As for the baby... I've been having regular Braxton's as of late. Especially with cutting out the sugar and drinking the Raspberry and Peppermint teas. I never really drank tea before this. I'd have a cup a month if lucky. So I'm thinking my uterus is prepping early, hopefully making my labor later on less painful and easier? I can hope, right?
Anyway, I was excited to see what the second week would bring. You can find the link here.
We are to work on forgiveness. More specifically, forgiving ourselves.
This is big for me right now. I've been battling myself the last month, I've been drained both emotionally, and physically, and now realizing that I'm not doing so well spiritually myself. I want to get closer to God, but I feel incapable of even knowing how. This 'forgive yourself' thing seems to have opened my eyes a little. I've been terribly hard on myself the last while. I'm feeling stressed about not having things ready for baby, and guilty for being so exhausted and napping almost daily instead of working on getting the basement fixed up for storage so we can start reworking the bedrooms upstairs. I feel guilty that my kids have to still share a bedroom, even after we rework things. I feel guilt over my own actions in this pregnancy... my breakdowns, my emotions, my physical state of being (example... I would eat whatever sugar I could find in the house, even things I never would normally go for, instead of eating the healthy things I know are better for me and baby). I feel bad for disconnecting myself from people... including my own husband and kids.
I know that a lot of this is actually related to my exhaustion and hormonal changes as I'm in my third trimester, but I did not remember things being this bad with my other pregnancies. And I feel that I am not a good mom or wife because of my inability to control my emotions.
I am looking forward to doing the challenge this week. I'm really hoping to change my emotional state of being as of late, as it has not been a very nice roller coaster ride. And I'm hoping that these coming weeks will bring with them a better relationship with my spouse and kids as I am able to put things aside emotionally and see things in a more positive light.
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