Life has hit us hard. Good things, bad things, all the things. We've almost lost the farm. 2018 was hard in that way. My husband's dad became sick and was unable to work on the farm anymore, and my husband has been working extra hard to keep it going. Summer of 2018 saw a huge heat wave hit the area, and many farms were affected. Milk decreased, and the animals don't do well, even when you do everything you can to help them. The bank we were with decided to send someone down in the midst of the heat wave. He didn't like dad, and had decided we were neglecting our animals (they hold their heads down when hot, and look so sad). He made an attempt to set the milk board against us. We were told a number of things by animal welfare that we were to do... all of which we were already doing and had been doing for years except for two things that were not something we could reasonably do in our current barn (I will say, we did end up doing them both, but the one has cost us tens of thousands in repairs over the last 5 years. Exactly what we said would happen. We were supposed to be able to build a new barn by now, but the bank lied to us when we signed on 14 years ago). This guy sent a bad report to the bank which caused them to tell us to pay the mortgage in full right away or they would foreclose on our farm. We had to sell land, quota, equipment, all to attempt to keep what was ours because one guy (who made it clear in the past that he disliked dad for some reason) wanted to shut us down. We didn't cave. Thousands of dollars in lawyer fees later, we were allowed to push the payment of the 7 figure loan for about a year. I got pregnant during that time, and we had a baby girl, due right around when they wanted the balance. Thankfully, they allowed another few months, and then because dad was super ill, they pushed it yet again. We were paying off huge segments of the loan with the sales of land and quota. Then, at the beginning of the covid19 pandemic, dad died.
I don't even know where to begin when it comes to dealing with the passing of someone close to you. The kids were devastated. My oldest son and dad were very close. My 5th child, Baby Z, the one I mentioned in my last post, was named after my father in law. In Dad's last weekend, I felt my husband should take Baby Z to visit dad. I'm so glad he did. We were blessed to be living next door, and the older kids went to play games and puzzles with mom and dad often (we knew he was dying for months now, so we did what we could to keep the kids from getting sick. We were told even a cold could kill him). It was hard. And then we got the call. He had asked for my husband. We knew. The ambulance was called, he was brought to the hospital, and only one person was allowed in the room with him at a time. He died alone, when the brothers were switching shifts outside.
What made things even harder was that this was in the midst of the shutdowns. No hugs. No gatherings. No funerals. 10 people in one place and no more than that. And my family was 8 people. No exceptions. We felt very alone during that time. No church family, although I am very grateful to the 2 families who came of their own accord and brought us a meal. Very few people came to the viewing. The service was one of the first ones they did online, and so there were bugs to work out, but they managed it. Two of his own children couldn't come because they lived out of province and travel wasn't allowed. It was really hard on mom.
I gave hugs anyway.
Covid really wrecked things for everyone, and our family was no exception. Some things didn't change much, however we lost many of our support systems. Lost friends. Hurtful things said. Felt abandoned and alone by our church. Our homeschool group ended due to the regulations. Our farm was struggling to get by as it is now half the size it was before while still trying to support the huge insurance payments and such from when it was so much larger. Then there was the storm that destroyed part of the barn in 2021, and while insurance is supposed to cover everything, the last concrete tower silo was unable to be salvaged and the cost to rip it down and replace it and the feed room was more than the 'value' of the tower by insurance, so we had to pay 5 figures out of pocket, which we really didn't have. The drought brought a huge increase in feed costs, so that they doubled in only a few short months, and we felt like we were drowning once again. In fact, I'd say we've been barely surviving things this entire time.
March of 2021, I found out I was expecting yet again! It might sound weird, but I was terrified. I didn't want to make appointments. I didn't want to acknowledge it at all. I was scared of what people would say and think. I'm not sure why, but I think my hormones and anxiety were in rough shape due to everything over the last few years already. It took everything in me to even make my first appointment, and with the mask requirement in most places, I stayed home. It is hard to describe what I felt. It made no sense. In order to make myself tell others, I decided to write a parody song to Shania Twain's 'I feel like a woman'. I did my best to get excited and not worry about what others would say or think, and it actually worked. I became excited over time about our coming baby!
Pregnancy is always a crazy time for me, and I went a bit crazy renovating the girls shared bedroom. Built a few things outside, cleaned in the barn office, found project after project to keep my mind and body occupied as my anxiety was through the roof with everything going on. I feared giving birth. I feared I would die. Nightmares plagued me. Anxiety was terrible. It was crippling. I had never experienced it this bad before. And then, my husband was sick and anxious himself. On medications. Problem after problem on the farm. Dad was gone. He was the sole decision maker, and there were a number of things he still had to learn. It was hard.
I went through a 46 hour labor with my last baby, and oh boy... she did not want to turn. I didn't know when to go to the hospital because my pushing stage with my 6th baby saw my contractions at 5 minutes apart even while pushing. I had 2 weak contractions and one strong one with my last 3 babies. It made things very difficult to time. I actually had an epidural this last time, and almost had issues with that one, too! I was exhausted as I hadn't slept in days now, could feel that I was fighting the contractions due to exhaustion, and so I asked for one. The tech said there was a blood clot in the needle and he had to re-administer, and it was likely I would get headaches due to loss of spinal fluid. Thankfully, I didn't get the headaches.
Baby still didn't want to come out, and I was afraid I'd need a c-section. I usually reach pushing stage and baby is here in less than 3 contractions of active pushing, but I lost count with my last baby. She wouldn't enter the birth canal. Not at all. I remember saying 'I can't' out loud, and then prayed that God would do something because I couldn't do this without Him. Next contraction, the baby entered the birth canal! The following contraction, she was out! Turns out, she was not facing the right way. She came facing my left leg instead of my spine. However, none of that mattered in the end! She was here! And she was beautiful! All the kids were so excited to meet her, although they had to wait until we came home as there were no visitors allowed in the hospital at all due to the restrictions. Honestly, though, I kind of liked it being just me, my husband, and our newest baby. Blessings in all things, and God knew what I needed. (I did make a video on YouTube of my birth story, but it isn't made public right now. Not sure I want to publish it publicly yet. I might need to make a shorter version for that).
Anyway, Baby K is a year old now. We are planning our 20th anniversary already. I'm homeschooling 5 kids age kindergarten through 9th grade while attempting to keep the farm going. I've been learning new things, like making butter, cottage cheese, yogurt, and I even started canning this last fall! And I've joined the ranks of bird owners, as we got chickens last June, too! I love having my own fresh eggs each morning!
Life is an adventure! It is incredible to me just how much things can change over the years. Time has been hard on us, but we are better for it. And our family is bigger, and I wouldn't change it for the world! God knows what is best for our family, and I just pray for His continued guidance in all things. I need more time with Him, as I feel pulled in so many directions as of late.
How is it possible that my oldest is a young woman already? How is it possible that I've been married almost 20 years now? How is it possible that I'm turning 40 this year? How can it be? I still don't feel much different than I did when having my first baby almost 15 years ago. How is it possible?
The flow of time is swift and harsh. One day, you are young and newly married, then you start having a family and you are a young mom, then you look in the mirror and see an older person than you thought you were looking back at you. How does this happen?
The saying really is true... Time flies.
How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?
- Dr. Seuss
