Calvinism and Arminianism

 This week I have had a lot on my mind. Over 2020 and 2021, the changes that have occurred in our world have definitely affected the local church. We started attending a different church, one that follows the doctrine of Calvinism. I will be honest, I knew nothing of different 'isms' as they weren't spoken of in our church. I found out recently that my beliefs lined up with what was called 'Arminianism', or at least I think that is that case. The one difference I found between the two was the issue of salvation through free will vs predestination.

Now, the reason I've been thinking of this so much this week is due to the message we had last Sunday. I have been attending this church for 2 years now, and the messages have all aligned exactly with the Word, so I have had zero issue with anything. This last message was very loaded! There was so much info that it is hard for me to even begin to talk about, but the thing that had me questioning was when he talked about how important doctrine is. Yes, I believe the doctrine of a leader is definitely going to come through in their teachings, which is why I had no issue with the messages before because all of them lined up with the Word and used the Word to explain and teach the Word rather than using other books that likely had doctrinal messages contrary to what the Bible teaches. So it was with this message. It all lined up for me, until he mentioned Calvinism and Arminianism as two opposing doctrines (just wait! Hold on! My mind is weird in how I describe this). He was saying that there are wolves in sheep's clothing, but that they believe themselves to be sheep (no, he did not say those who follow Arminianism are wolves). He used the scripture from Matthew 7:22-23 which says:

"Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' "

This scripture as well as others was used to show that wolves in sheep's clothing may very well believe they were sheep as well. I mean, look at Paul on the road to Damascus! He fully believed He was right in what He was doing in persecuting those who were saved! But God called Him out of that in a very literal (and blinding) way! So this made sense to me. The common belief is that these wolves are 'out there' somewhere, rather than the fact that the Bible tells us to beware (not out of fear, but to be aware) these wolves that come to us. Right to us. And something he was clear to point out is that they were wolves because they were teaching something that is contrary to God and His Word, yet likely believed they were right. He also made a point to make sure we knew that people with opposing doctrine were not always wolves. People make mistakes. We are human. He went on to say that he knew an Arminian (I had to look it up, honestly, as I had no idea what that was and I keep spelling it wrong) whose doctrine was Biblical and besides one thing (that they believed that God gave man free will to become saved by, whereas Calvinism is the belief in predestination of those who will become saved) that they had all the same doctrine. And we shouldn't let that get between us as though the other person is a 'wolf in sheep's clothes' because they aren't. Yet doctrine is important. Oh man, so much to unpack.

Anyway, that is what led to this post. I will spell it out, I believe in God giving us free will. I believe this because the Word says that He loves us all. He died for all. Not just for those He predestined, but for ALL. So much of scripture supports this. I also believe He calls us. Whether we answer that call I always believed was up to us in our free will. However, I read something that stood out to me today. It was in Romans 8:28-30 which says 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."

I had never remembered seeing the word 'predestined' in my readings of the Bible before. But here it is! Those God foreknew, He predestined. Foreknew means that he knew beforehand... and looking at the previous verse it talks about those who love him. So, those He knew beforehand would love Him, he predestined to be conformed to the image of Jesus who is to be the firstborn of all brethren. So, Jesus is the first. We who are saved are adopted and take on His name as sons of God. Since I also believe that God knows all things past, present, and future, this would make sense. He should know beforehand those who will love Him. Sure! Of course! And so, since He already knows that, to predestine them to be conformed to Christ makes sense as well, because they will love Him by their own free will at some point in the future. I don't think it is saying that God is choosing who will love Him, because He loves all as Jesus died for all so all could be saved (John 3:16 is one of the first verses we memorized as kids and I think it is good and pertinent). I believe He would want ALL to be saved and washed and cleansed. However, He foreknew those who would in fact love Him, and called them. It almost seems circular. I feel like it may be something that is hard for the human mind to fully comprehend, the scope of it may just be too big for us. Another couple of examples would be that David was said to have a heart after God (and he made mistakes in his life, but sought out the Lord and was repentant each time), but Pharaoh we are told had his heart hardened and wouldn't let God's people go. God knew these things in advance and used them to bring glory to His name. So what if it is 'both/and' rather than 'either/or' in terms of free will and predestination?

What if both Calvinism and Arminianism views are valid? What if they are just looking at the other group as dismissing something entirely because our minds cannot comprehend a free will that also has that predestination element because the two words are contrarian? We both believe God knows all things, right? He knows what will happen in advance, and knows those who will love Him and be saved. So what if He predestines those people? It says He foreknew them, and therefore predestined them to be conformed to the image of Christ. I believe the Bible is fully true. I believe we as people will often misrepresent without knowing it, we are fallible, we make mistakes. What if some of our initial beliefs about things are mistaken as 'either/or' when God intended them to be seen as 'both/and'? All I know is that I want truth. I want to understand better.

The Bible talks about how things that are impossible for man are possible for God. Luke 18:18-29 says

Then a certain ruler asked Him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“Why do you call Me good?” Jesus replied. “No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not bear false witness, honor your father and mother.’”

“All these I have kept from my youth,” he said.

On hearing this, Jesus told him, “You still lack one thing: Sell everything you own and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me.”

But when the ruler heard this, he became very sad, because he was extremely wealthy.

Seeing the man’s sadness, Jesus said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Those who heard this asked, “Who then can be saved?”

But Jesus said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

“Look,” said Peter, “we have left all we had to follow You.”

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times more in this age—and in the age to come, eternal life.”

So, in my understanding, it is impossible in our minds that free will can coexist with predestination because the words are contrary, but to God it is possible because He knows all things, past, present, and future. He already knows those who through their own free will are going to love Him, so He predestines them to be conformed to the image of Christ. My mind still finds this kind of contrarian, but also is seeing that it makes sense.

What if our feeble minds can only see the 'either/or', but God is saying it is 'both/and'? Am I God? Can I fully understand what He has designed? I cannot fully comprehend His ability to make possible the impossible. I can only believe because I am His, and He loves me and that is truth because He says so in His Word over and over. So the 'fights' in between the different 'isms' need to end. 1 Corinthians 1:10-17 says

I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree together, so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be united in mind and conviction. My brothers, some from Chloe’s household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: Individuals among you are saying, “I follow Paul,” “I follow Apollos,” “I follow Cephas,” or “I follow Christ.”

Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? I thank God that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, so no one can say that you were baptized into my name. Yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas; beyond that I do not remember if I baptized anyone else. For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel, not with words of wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

We are dividing over these things! Things that are likely only a question in our own minds, and not the mind of God! If it is indeed that we have both free will AND are predestined, how much God must be shaking His head at us for our divisive attitude. Why do we have the isms? Why do we follow the Bible, but then also follow a specific person in history that said a thing, divided with the church over it, and now we hold another group in contempt for that one thing? The Bible is clear that we are not to be doing this! We are to be of one mind! We are to agree! So why not follow the Bible, follow Christ, and put little to no emphasis on these other doctrines?

Oh man, I have so much in my mind on this. What do you think? Is it possible that this is a human misunderstanding? If so, how do we come to terms with that and come together again? How do we make sure we are not of those who call out 'Lord, Lord' and yet are met with 'I never knew you, away from me you evildoers'? We must make our focus the Bible and ALL it's truth, not just the parts we like. Oh man, so much I want to say. So much that is off the topic of before. SO many things on my heart lately.

I guess my main prayer on this note is that we come together and not let some minor differences divide us. Discussions are great. Understanding truth should be our goal. Our main goal should be loving the Lord and knowing Him, teaching Him to our children and grandchildren (and others, of course, but my world is my home and family). And of course, keeping our minds open to where we may have had things wrong in our own beliefs when God's Word says otherwise. Just my two cents.... or maybe that is a lot more than two cents, haha. I can't even get pennies anymore! (Wait... does that make them more valuable? 😉)

I'm Late, I'm Late, For a Very Important Date

Well, no, not really.  But I am so sick and tired of being 5 minutes late for pretty much everything.  And when I know I'll be late and say as much, I'm later still.  Timing on the farm is partly to blame, I know that.  Evening things are almost an impossibility.  I try to steer clear of anything that I'm supposed to be at between 7 and 8pm... which is everything.  Why?  I cannot get there. 

Awana, for example, starts at 7pm.  It took until near the end of the year before we were finally arriving a before 7, and that was likely due to not having ice on the van, or roads, or needing jackets and extra shoes in addition to boots and stuff.  Otherwise we were always 5 minutes late.  Always.  Drove me nuts.  We usually eat supper at 7, and for those days I would make supper for 5:30.  Of course, that means nobody wants to eat (even though I omitted the 4pm snack they were used to having) so they would take forever.  I'd be packing them into their gear by 6:30 (tried for earlier) and then lo and behold 'I have to go potty' or 'I cannot find my bag' (I just got them ready and had them by the door.  I always have them ready by the door.  I'm not sure what possesses my kids to take them and move them to other areas of the house.  BONKERS I tell you), or the baby poops up... again... and we only get into the van at 10 to 7... and it takes 10 minutes to drive.  Sigh.

Here's the thing.  I hate being late.  I find it rude.  So, that means I'm rude, because I'm always late.  I am sick of it.  Doesn't matter if I find I'm consistently 5 minutes late, I'll get up half an hour earlier or make supper half an hour earlier to find that it saved us... get this... two minutes.  Two.  That's it.  We're still late.  The only thing left is to try getting the kids into the van an hour before we need to be somewhere.  I've done it a few times... and guess what.  They get their stuff on and in the van immediately and then we are waiting around for 40 minutes with nothing to do.  And that is NOT something you want to be doing with 4 kids 6 and under.  Nobody wants you to have your kids at their place that early.  Because super early is, in my opinion, as rude as being late.

I've come to the thought process that 5 to 10 minutes early/late isn't a big deal anymore.  Why?  Half the time it's clock difference (I thought I was 10 minutes early for church one day and when seeing the clock saw that I arrived right 'on time' because our clocks were different.  Then there have been times where I thought people would arrive at a certain time only to see that my clocks were now 15minutes fast).  I see it as a grace period of sorts.  I still have a hard time applying it to myself, even though I had no problem applying it to everyone else around me.  5 minutes late?  No big deal!  But  being consistently 5 minutes late myself for just about everything is driving me bonkers.  Bonkers.  I know I need to let it go (and maybe when I do, we'll suddenly be on time for everything... but not likely).

Until then, I will probably be saying no to all the evening invitations we get for everything.  Anything that requires me going by myself without my kids will see similar unless it's ok if I arrive 15-20minutes late (that is always dependant on when my husband comes home because I hardly see the point in packing up all the kids for a babysitter to watch them for 15 minutes or half an hour since EVERYTHING starts at the time my husband usually comes out of the barn).  And honestly, I'm ready to drop everything and say 'screw it, I'm done'.  My reliability meter is in the toilet since I cannot remember things anymore, and even when I write it down, I'll forget to check the calendar some mornings for unknown reasons (I'm usually good with that, except this last month.  Terrible). 

So, I apologize to all my friends for my tardiness.  I apologize for saying we won't be coming to something.  I apologize for not being reliable anymore.  I'm just not.  It isn't you.  I would like to come to so many things to support you (those parties that people have for Tupperware and stuff as an example) because I hate how it feels to invite 30-40 people and have 2 show up with 15 maybes and 5 that cancel last minute.   That is why I come late... because I feel it is better than not coming at all.  If I book a party through you, it is with the knowledge that I will likely not get anywhere with it myself due to aforementioned invitation issues.

I know they say that tardy people are just selfish and rude.  I understand that my tardiness is rude, however I fail to see how it is 'selfish' in every circumstance.  Saying no, for me, is infinitely easier and more selfish that saying 'yes, but I'll be late'.  But hey, we are all selfish by nature.  Ah well.

Super thankful I have nothing to be late for this week.  Last week was truly a bummer.  And a lot of extra laundry (because with babies, 'poop' happens).

Birthing Confessions

The New Year is almost upon us!  I can hardly believe how fast 2014 flew by.

Anyone make resolutions?

Mine generally come in list form... complete this list of tasks some time during the year.  My list from January is still on the board... and very few things were checked off.  Things change through the year, and I'm ok with that.  I may still get to those things eventually, but for now, they will wait.

There are more important things to attend to.

My main 'resolution', which really isn't a resolution at all, is to be more prepared this year.  I am much more organized than I was this time last year, but I still find myself not thinking about certain things until the time for them to happen is fast approaching... like labor and delivery.  This week, I have managed to put away our Christmas decorations as part of my preparations... as baby is due in little more than two weeks.  I have washed clothes and diapers and the cradle mattress... we've set up a spot in our 'new' bedroom for the baby, but there is still much to do.  And the things that I need to do are more important than a 'proper bedroom' or a 'clean house' (which is an impossibility in itself, I'm sure other moms of toddlers would agree).  I need to prepare my mind.  My heart.  My family.

I am scared.

There.  I said it.  It seems rather silly, actually... being scared of having a baby.  I mean, come on!  I had 3 babies in the last 6.5 years.  I have had a fantastic pregnancy (seriously... I could not ask for a better pregnancy!  It was the best of all of them so far!).  I am scared of labor.  I am afraid of the pain.  I am actually contemplating an epidural... something I never dreamed of.  Especially since epidurals can actually increase the risk of my uterus not contracting back down to size the way it is meant to.  I'll be honest... I'm not actually sure I want one.  But the thought of that intensity during transition and second stage is, in all honesty, giving me the shakes.  Yes... the shakes.  I get them thinking about it.  So, I am trying to do my best right now to research things I can do to deal with pain naturally.  I am looking at essential oils, massage, music, anything.  And I am praying.  There are so many verses that talk about how this sort of fear is not of God.  It is of Satan.  Satan is trying to steal my joy.  This fear has taken what should be exciting and natural, something that is amazing and powerful, and turning it into something I am dreading.  Something I am wanting to run away from.  Something I feel overwhelmed with.

Perhaps that is a good thing.  After all, what control do I really have over all of this?  None.  None at all.  The only one who has that control is God.  Recognizing that this fear is not from Him, but from the enemy, is one step toward the prayer and heart change I need to realize that I have no control.  That it is all God.  That He is bigger than the situation, bigger than me... bigger than everything and anything I could think of.  He is better at being in control than I would ever be.  And I just need to remember that.

And... I can do this.  I CAN do this.  I CAN. 

(now I sound a bit like the little engine that could)

Prayers and well wishes in the upcoming year! 

Mommy time??

Anybody else ever wonder who they are once becoming a mom?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love being a mom!  However, becoming a mom not only brought out so much more in me than I knew I had, it also brought a load of responsibilities.  So many responsibilities that I feel I have lost a part of myself somewhere in them.

I hope that doesn't sound selfish, or somehow wrong.  I know that my calling now is as a wife and mom, and this is something I am thankful for.  However... as of late I have been feeling depressed, tired, as though there is little left in me.

Being a mom is hard work.  I never realized how much... my mom made it seem so easy!

Hours upon hours of cleaning, laundry, changing diapers, washing diapers, nursing, cooking, baking, crafting, kissing boo boos, teaching, building forts, wiping noses, telling stories... I could go on.  And at the end of the day, we kiss those little foreheads as they go to sleep, and spend the next hour or so cleaning up and winding down (or in my case, too many hours before going to bed myself, and then I'm drained the next day).  I find it hard to take the time to spend with my Lord anymore, and that is a travesty.  I find that time with my spouse is farther and farther removed as well, which isn't good for our relationship.  And as for hobbies... sigh.  I have so many, and I cannot take the time for any of them (I could find the time, but I'm so tired that I don't wish to... I just don't have the brain power for any of it any more).

So, what do you do?  How do you take time for yourself in among all the responsibilities you have in day to day life?  How do you make sure that they don't overtake you as a person and drain every last bit of life out of you?

I haven't been doing any of my hobbies lately.  Costume making has happened briefly... for the sake of my kids.  Baking is for my kids.  Crafting of any type is with my kids, for their sake.  Anything I look up is based upon something I want to learn to help my kids and my family.  I hardly spend time on myself anymore, unless I'm sick (and even then, it takes everything just to take a nap, and it seems the baby knows when I want to nap because she will refuse to, and when she finally falls asleep, my older two keep coming up to me asking 'is nap time over yet' every two minutes... take Friday.  I was sick... had whatever the kids had Wednesday and Thursday... and while trying to nap they come up to me and ask every couple of minutes if they can play.  I finally say yes, and then they come up asking for a snack, or if I'm done napping (finally fell asleep too... sigh).  Ah well.).

I have been dedicating more and more of my time to trying to save our family money, to making healthy meals that are worth eating (which means more and more time in my kitchen), and to trying to teach my children.  I'm not very good at that.  I don't have the patience.  I want to get my work done, and just be done with it.  However, I cannot do everything anymore.  I am drained.  I am exhausted.  And I am having breakdowns... again... over silly things... again.

What brings me peace?  I need to spend more time with God, and I just find less and less of myself doing so.  It is depressing.  The only thing that can really fill me up is spending time with Him... and yet I feel so far away.  I miss Him.  And I know it isn't Him.  It's me.  But how do I get that closeness back?  Where am I going wrong?

I feel refreshed after the weekend... especially when my husband has time off.  Church refreshes me.  Bible study does as well.  Time with my parents and siblings... talking about God and the things we are learning... I need that.  But then it is back to work, back to the responsibilities... back to life.

Except today...

Now, we don't get long weekends.  My husband was collecting bales today, in addition to his usual work.  However... I was sick.  Very.  I managed to start a load of laundry, and that was it.  My body had enough.  I could barely nurse my baby, or change diapers.  I couldn't eat.  I spent all day on the couch alternating between a hot pack and a cold one.  I actually took Tylenol (the horror, lol).  I am still not feeling great, but I was finally able to help with (and eat) supper, and finish my lone laundry load.

I slept all day.  And somehow, my kids let me!  Even though daddy wasn't in the house much more than making and eating meals would allow.

Needless to say, we missed the fireworks.

Perhaps I can have a soak-in-the-tub-me-time... after the diapers are in the wash.  I can hardly believe I'm still tired after all that.  I guess today was my body's way of telling me enough is enough.  Slow down.  Sleep. 

I hope I'll get a good, healing sleep tonight.

Week 3 - The armor of God

So, a while back we finished week 3 of the 52 week challenge.  I know I was going to come on and recap more often, but things have been really busy in the house.  Prepping my own food for every meal and trying to start freezing meals for when baby comes is proving to take up a lot of my time... and energy.  Baby feels to have dropped a bit, making getting up and down a task and a half, haha. 

Remember week 1?  No sugar?  I am not struggling with this one so much anymore.  I haven't gained any weight over the last three weeks (which suprised me as usually I gain about a lb a week in the last two months of pregnancy), and am eating much healthier.  The weight is shifting to belly as baby grows, and their movements are stronger and more frequent.  No sugar lows anymore, which is wonderful, and I do not actually crave sugary things anymore (besides dark chocolate... I did cave one day and ate a piece).  I'm spending a lot more time in my kitchen however, which I'm not so sure I care for right now as I'd like to get into my workshop and build a desk extension for a crafting and sewing space in my office... but I'm happy to be making healthier foods which not only benefit me, but my whole family.

Week 2 was forgiving oneself.  I am happy to report that many of the issues I was having have pretty much gone!  I still have to stop myself on occasion, but realizing what my problem was was half the battle!  I no longer have nightmares about this individual (yay!) and I only have 'breakdowns' when forcing myself to do farmbooks (which cause me stress no matter what I try to do it seems).  My husband has noticed a difference in my emotional capacity to handle things as well, and although still exhausted and stressed (haven't been sleeping properly the last while), I'm not crying over every little thing any more.  At least, not as often as I was... :)

Anyway, week 3 was to put on the armor of God each morning... from Ephesians 6.  You can find the starting post on it on My Wings are Made of Faith, here.

Wow.

I have often struggled with the prospect of actually putting on the armor of God.  I mean, knowing what it is is one thing, but how do you actually put on such an armor?  This week, God has revealed bits and pieces of his armor to me and they've taken on new meaning.

First, I needed to remember the verses so I could think about them throughout the day.  I'd memorized this passage many years ago, and I'm so thankful for that as it has helped me tremendously in remembering what the armor of God is.  Then, I just prayed that God would help me put on this armor, and as I did so he daily revealed something new to me.

I know it is probably different for everyone, but this is what I've found.

The Belt of Truth - We are first told to gird the belt of truth around our waist.  I just always looked at this as 'a belt of truth', but never really thought about the item or what it really was.  We use belts to hold up our pants.  Rather embarrassing to have the pants fall down, right?  Well, I figured that God was telling me that the truth, even if it may seem embarrassing, is actually much more effective at keeping our integrety intact than not telling the truth.  Seems simple enough.  And really, we already know that, right?  The other thing He brought to mind goes along the same lines of the things we are to think about (whatever is true, noble, kind, pure, excellent, praiseworthy... etc).  The belt sits around our waist, just above our large intestine... whose main focus is to digest our food.  It expells the waste while filtering out the good stuff and sending it through the intestine walls to the blood, which then feeds our bodies.  I know belts don't usually associate with intestines, but I found this striking revelation.  I need to do like my intestine does... whatever I'm fed I need to digest, look at what is true, and what is not, and use the truth to 'feed' my body/mind/heart while discarding the rest.  That's a lot of work for a belt to do, and it probably seems like one of the least important parts of 'armor' when you look at it.  However, it must have been mentioned first for a reason.

The Breastplate of Righteousness-  A breastplate covers some of our most vital organs.  I felt that God was telling me that I needed to remember that His righteousness covers me and protects me.  I have nothing to fear.  I am saved, and His righteousness covers me.

The Boots of Readiness from the Gospel of Peace-  This was another item I've always struggled with.  I've never really tried to understand it.  However, I felt that we are in a place in our lives right now where this one really hit home.  Readiness... boots of readiness.  I need to be ready to follow my Lord wherever He leads, on His time, when He says.  Right now, I am in a place where I dont know what we are supposed to do next, and I don't know when things are going to happen.  This is a very difficult thing for me.  I've been doing what I can to prepare for one thing or the other... both, actually.  We don't know if we'll be moving... so I'm prepping this house for when baby comes in such a way that I'm not attached.  I'm also reorganizing and working with our current items to ready them for a quick packing, if it is so needed.  I felt relief when realizing what the boots of readiness really are.  I will follow God, and by doing so I will feel peace.  I will walk in peace, knowing that his leading is where I need to go.  If I do not feel peace, I need to stop, re-evaluate, and find out if I'm actually following Him or my own agenda. 

The Shield of Faith- This one stuck out as well.  When you hold a shield, where do you hold it?  In front of you!  It does no good at 'quenching the fiery arrows of the evil one' if it's beside or behind you.  So, no matter where I go, I need to make sure my Faith in God and in his leading of me is before me... or else when the darts come flying, I'll shy away.

The Helmet of Salvation-  This one was simple.  No matter what, I am secure in the knowledge of my salvation in Christ.  I am saved, no matter how many mistakes I make, no matter what I do.  He loves me, He saved me, and I need not fear.

The Sword of the Spirit-  The only offensive weapon.  The Word of God.  I need to know his Word, and I need to dwell on it so I can strike down the evil one when he attacks me close range.  Only the Word will be able to remove him.  I can stand there and use all the other armor pieces to protect myself, but even the strongest of warriors with no weapon will become exhausted... and none of the armor pieces protects my back.  So, I need the Word of God to be my sword so I can cut down the enemy and triumph.

I am so happy to see these pieces of armor take on meaning for me!  I'm sure the meanings will change and adjust as my life does to bring new things to light as new challenges face me, but right now I am thrilled to be able to put on the armor each morning, knowing what it means for me.  I may fail some days, I may not remember all the pieces, but I will try, and God will help me.

Here is Wings of Faith week 3 recap.

Week 4 is Do Not Fear.  I have been having a tougher time getting started on this one... but God has been revealing my fears to me through the week.  I hope to take some time to sit down and work on this one today during the kids nap time.  I need to do this more than nap myself, haha.

The 52 Week Challenge Update

Time for an update on this challenge!  You can read more about it here.  Or, find the link directly to the blog where we are doing this here at My Wings are made of Faith.

This is not an easy journey!  Then again, most things worth doing aren't easy.  And this post... it is a lot longer than I was expecting it to get!

Continuing the Sugar Detox:
This is a very rough journey for me right now.  I am finding that it is difficult to make meals as I am completely exhausted, but if I want to eat something that doesn't contain sugar that is a 'meal' with the family, I have to make foods from scratch.  And I am not consuming enough calories.  The weight that I am, my physical activity levels, and the fact that I'm pregnant means I should be eating 2100 calories per day (actually, LoseIt puts it higher than that, since I still exercise daily).  I'm not even eating 1800.  And that is what I used to eat regularly before pregnancy.  So, I think that I am in essence starving my body.  I am finding it easier to just 'not eat' in favor of expending the energy making the food to eat.  I have almonds and cottage cheese to snack on, as well as a bunch of fruits and veggies.  I've been consuming a lot of hard boiled eggs and tuna straight from the can (ok... not a lot of tuna, but it's easier for lunches than cooking).  I'm still limiting my bread, but other grains are not something I'm interested in.  I still don't like rice.  I'm not sure why, but salmon is just 'yuck' to me this pregnancy.  I have to force it down.  I really want dairy, eggs, avocados and salsa.  I'm trying to eat more almonds as well.  Even some of the highly dense calorie foods just haven't been bringing me over the limit.  I'm finding it hard to focus my eyes on anything (seriously... I'm that exhausted), or exercise, or play with the kids or clean up after them... I have difficulty being creative, yet I long to work on crafts and organizing.  I have lots of work to do to prep this house for baby but zero energy to do so... and so, I'm napping... a lot.  And getting nothing done.  And stressing about that...

Which leads me to week 2.  Forgiving myself

I have been very hard on myself the last few months.  In October we had some major family drama... with one individual.  I snapped on them for what they were doing to my husband, to my family and family time, the farm, and to me.  I let them know exactly how I felt about what they were doing, and that I was not going to put up with them trying to make us feel guilty for the stuff they were doing to themselves.  Long story short, I have been made to feel guilty for my actions.  I have not been able to apologize to this individual because I will not permit them anywhere near me, nor my kids (I will not get into the reasons here... that is a whole different post which will probably never happen), and in all honesty, I do not believe I was actually in the wrong, but I hate conflict, so I automatically want to 'apologize'.  Christmas was changed specifically because of this incident as I said I was not letting my kids be in the same building as this person.  And although nothing has been said to me directly, I have heard 'through the grapevine' that this person blames me for everything.  I am the reason 'he didn't have a Christmas', even though he did go to his parents for Christmas.  The rest of the siblings chose to come on the day we were there rather than the day he was there.  Even my mother in law said things that let me know that she blames me and my 'pregnancy' for the reason the whole family wasn't together for Christmas.  This family being 'broken' is not my doing, but I'm not willing to just let things slide, so it's 'my' fault that problems are rising.  This individual has, from what I can tell, tried to put my own father against me... which would never work to begin with.  However, by bringing this back up just before Christmas, it brought all the memories of that evening back and that has caused me undo stress. 

So now I'm dealing with myself and my negative emotions that have just been continuing and continuing.  When I think I can finally forget, something comes up that brings it all back because it is not actually being dealt with properly.  I don't have closure.  And then I feel guilty for thinking about it again, because it is negative and I can't stress about this anymore.  I don't have the emotional capacity for this.  So I have mental breakdowns, and meltdowns, and cry over my house not being clean again, or about having left the farmbooks too long and having too many things to do at once, and I cannot handle it.  And then I feel guilty for listening to my body and napping instead of getting things done.

I am emotionally spent.  I have nothing left.  And I thought I had dealt with all this already.

I have found out that, when I have issues forgiving myself over something, it usually comes through in dreams.  When I was pregnant with our very first, I remember experiencing a terrifying fear of birth at some point, and the word 'abortion' crossed my mind.  I immediately removed the thought, knowing that it was Satan trying to come trip me up, as it were.  Weeks later, we found out that the baby had died, and within a week I would be having my own little 'labor and delivery' at home... only with no baby.

I blamed myself. 

I didn't blame myself for very long, or so I had thought.  I prayed and prayed and knew it was not my fault that the baby didn't survive, but the fact that that word had even crossed my mind made me feel such intense guilt, that somehow I didn't want that baby and that was the reason why they had died.  None of that makes any logical sense.  But when do emotions make logical sense?  The first few months I was pregnant with my daughter I had so many nightmares about miscarriage that I can't even begin to count them.  It was terrifying.  I had to come to grips with a few things, spend a massive amount of my time in prayer, and only then was that fear gone, dealt with, and my nightmares done.  My suffering over.

I've had many many nightmares regarding the individual we've had drama with over the last year.

I know that part of this is to keep me on my toes... to keep my family safe.  However, I cannot last on adrenaline.  I cannot keep up this battle within myself.  And I also realize that part of this is my body and mind trying to deal with what happened in the only way it knows how, since it isn't something I can gain closure on.  I've been physically ill due to what happened... and we were actually fearing for the baby (this one is a trooper, though).

But how does one forgive oneself for something like this, when you don't even know what you need to forgive?  How does one get rid of guilt over something that they shouldn't have guilt over?  How does one deal with 'Satan's guilt'?  I've prayed and prayed, and aside from trying really really hard to pray every time the thoughts enter my mind, I don't know what else to do.  I'm having a tough time with this. 

That said... I have already noticed that my emotions aren't as 'all over the place' this week.  I still have a hard time, but I haven't had the meltdowns regularly like before.  I have obviously started the healing process, even though, to me, it feels as though I have gotten nowhere since I'm still battling the same things.

Perhaps my time with God is helping me win this battle?  He has been helping me see that I am worth it... I am not alone... I am not unworthy... I will make mistakes, but He is my heavenly Father and will always be there for me. I am not Superwoman.   I am not meant to deal with this stuff alone.  None of us are.  But somehow, I have forgotten that, and I have been trying fruitlessly to take care of things myself.  I feel as though it is MY responsibility to fix MY problems.  I feel I have failed in some of my responsibilities in the home and on the farm, as a wife and as a mom, and that I have to somehow fix it myself, which I do not currently have the capacity for.  If I am criticized for anything (because I feel I need to do things really well, not perfect but as close to as I can), than I am not a proper wife and mom and I don't know what else to be right now.

God is my Father.  He loves me, just as I love my children.  Sure, they do things that make me shake my head, or feel frustration, or get upset, but I love them.  Watching them do day-to-day things makes me smile.  Seeing them smile about something as simple as a sunrise, or watching the wind blow the branches, or the moon in the sky, it makes me so proud.  And my Father is like that.  He delights in watching me just be me.  And somehow with the stresses of life, I have forgotten about that.  I needed the reminder.

So what if my house isn't immaculate right now?  I need to say 'No big deal'.  So what if I let my responsibilities slide a little as I take a break, or if things take me longer to do?  I'm still getting them done, they will still be there later.  I need to look at my accomplishments rather than my 'to-do list'.  And I need to set less things for myself to do.  I need to recognize what my physical body is capable of right now, and it is a lot less than it was capable of 6 or even 3 months ago. 

I still hate procrastination, but I'm seeing it for what it is right now.  I'm actually doing it as a means of avoiding stress.  Farm bookwork creates stress for me.  Every time.  I cannot deal with any more stress right now.  Therefore, I've been avoiding it.  I need to do it still, but I have to find a way to do so without the added stress.  How, I'm still not sure.  But God will help me figure it all out.

So as I sit and ponder the 'do I do bookwork or do I take a nap' question yet again, knowing that nap will inevitably win out since I can barely keep my eyes open, I need to remember who I am, that I have limitations, and that 'it is OK'.  And not feel guilty.  Or maybe I should say, not let the guilt that I start to feel overtake me as it isn't true guilt that will lead to anything fruitful, but Satan's guilt that will only hold me further back.  And if I fail to recognize it one day, that is fine too.  As long as I DO recognize it and change it asap.  God loves me when I succeed, and He loves me when I fail.  He is with me no matter what.  Now I need to stop fighting Him and fighting myself, and just let myself live.

A 52 Week Journey

Hello, everyone, and welcome to 2013!

I've never been one on New Years Resolutions... not really anyway.  I make 'resolutions' throughout the year.  I am a goal setter, and I very rarely do not meet my goals because I make them such a huge priority, especially if I write them down.

Actually, I sometimes let these goals take over and run my emotional state of being.  I set weekly goals, usually containing something for a much larger goal I wish to accomplish at some point.  However, if I do not complete everything on my weekly list, I am very down on myself.  And even more so now that I'm pregnant.  I am finding I HAVE to make my lists shorter and have easier tasks on them, less physically draining ones, as I am very very exhausted lately.

On January 2nd, in the evening, I was made aware of a 52 week wholly healing journey by a cousin of mine on Facebook.  She didn't bring it to me directly, I just happened across it, and I felt very strongly that this was something I should do.  Not only is this going to focus on physical healing, but emotional, spiritual, and mental healing as well.  The first week was already underway as it started Dec 31... and it started with a 90 day sugar detox.  (Thanks to My Wings are Made of Faith and her blog on healing!)

I looked at it and said... "I need to do this".

Each week we get a download journal to print off and fill out as we go.  I will also be journalling my progress in my regular devotional journal as things happen.  I decided this morning, as we start on our second week challenge, that I would like to keep track of some thoughts and things on my blog as well.  My blog really is all over the place, isn't it?  :)

The first week is officially over now... although the challenge lasts for 90 days, not just 7.  That will be the more difficult part of things, I'm sure... managing to continue.  But I will.  I'm determined.

Want to know how my first week (or should I say, first 4 days) of no sugar went?  Well TOO BAD... you're going to hear about it anyway (hahaha).

Day one wasn't actually as hard as I thought.  I still had a bunch of treats in the cupboard that I'd LOVE to have (mint chocolate is one of my weaknesses... well, mint and chocolate are bad enough by themselves, but together...).  I saw the stuff I wanted... and closed the cabinet door and grabbed a glass of water.  I found myself snacking on carrots with a new dressing I came up with myself (ranch that doesn't include mayo... as mayo has sugar in it), and eating celery with natural peanutbutter (which was easy, seeing as we've switched a lot of these sugary things out over the last four years already for no sugar alternatives).  I've been drinking lots more water (instead of snacking) and eating hardboiled eggs again.  I want to make green smoothies, but we need to purchase spinach for that.  I've also been eating the homemade buns I make as they use honey instead of sugar to make the yeast work.  Otherwise, all the food items that contain sugar, glucose, fructose, glucose solids, honey, etc, I will not eat or put into the meals we eat.  It hasn't been as hard as I thought.  Apparently I've been doing a lot of that already for over a year, and so this challenge looks to be a little easier than I was imagining.  The hardest part is no desserts or sweet snacks.  And I LOVE my desserts.  But that's ok. 

My hardest day was yesturday as it was the first time we were not home all day.  I really wanted to have some of those cookies at the church in the morning.  I found myself grabbing a small piece of jalapeno cheese, not knowing it was as spicy as it was, and guzzled a cup or two of water shortly afterward.  It did still my craving for those cookies though.  I also had to fight my urge to eat the cookies and candies (especially the chocolate mint ones) at my parents house, but I didn't give in!  Yay!  Perhaps I can be strong in this, even while pregnant!

I've noticed some major physical changes in my body since I started this.  Already.  And it's only been 4 days (I'm on day 5).  First, my eczema is so much better!  I can hardly believe how much nicer my hand looks!  It is still itchy at times, but I was expecting it to get worse before it would get better!  Especially with all the sugar I was eating before.  Another is the exhaustion.  I am even more physically depleted of energy than before.  I was actually expecting the opposite... although that will probably take a while before I see that happen.  I am very drained, I can hardly stand at times, and so I reach for some tuna, or a hard boiled egg when that happens.  I am drinking a lot more water, and I've had a cup of tea every evening (in the place of all the sugar I was eating after supper).  I have less heartburn when I drink the peppermint tea in the evening, and I've been sleeping better.  My skin is softer as well, something I wasn't really expecting.  I'm hoping that perhaps the redness in my cheeks (bumps and whatnot, something that has been making me feel super ugly as of late) will clear up in time with all of this as well!  As for the baby... I've been having regular Braxton's as of late.  Especially with cutting out the sugar and drinking the Raspberry and Peppermint teas.  I never really drank tea before this.  I'd have a cup a month if lucky.  So I'm thinking my uterus is prepping early, hopefully making my labor later on less painful and easier?  I can hope, right?

Anyway, I was excited to see what the second week would bring.  You can find the link here.

We are to work on forgiveness.  More specifically, forgiving ourselves.

This is big for me right now.  I've been battling myself the last month, I've been drained both emotionally, and physically, and now realizing that I'm not doing so well spiritually myself.  I want to get closer to God, but I feel incapable of even knowing how.  This 'forgive yourself' thing seems to have opened my eyes a little.  I've been terribly hard on myself the last while.  I'm feeling stressed about not having things ready for baby, and guilty for being so exhausted and napping almost daily instead of working on getting the basement fixed up for storage so we can start reworking the bedrooms upstairs.  I feel guilty that my kids have to still share a bedroom, even after we rework things.  I feel guilt over my own actions in this pregnancy... my breakdowns, my emotions, my physical state of being (example... I would eat whatever sugar I could find in the house, even things I never would normally go for, instead of eating the healthy things I know are better for me and baby).  I feel bad for disconnecting myself from people... including my own husband and kids.

I know that a lot of this is actually related to my exhaustion and hormonal changes as I'm in my third trimester, but I did not remember things being this bad with my other pregnancies.  And I feel that I am not a good mom or wife because of my inability to control my emotions.

I am looking forward to doing the challenge this week.  I'm really hoping to change my emotional state of being as of late, as it has not been a very nice roller coaster ride.  And I'm hoping that these coming weeks will bring with them a better relationship with my spouse and kids as I am able to put things aside emotionally and see things in a more positive light.

Do You Ever Wonder

A warning to anyone who is reading... my thoughts are going to be all over the place. This blog post is a bearing of my heart right now. It is something I haven't done in a long time...

Lately, around the holidays I begin to ask myself the same question.  Each year it's the same.  Why do we do this?  What is this all for?  After all, we live and then we die.  Things are nothing more than 'things'.  And things in and of themselves are not important to me... which is possibly why I feel this way each year at this time.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like making gifts.  On the contrary.  I absolutely love making gifts!  I love crafting and creating special things for the special people in my life!  And there are so many special people in my life that it is hard for myself to limit how many gifts I make!  I had many gifts on the list of 'to do's' for the year that never were made.  At all.  I think I will attempt them for next year (and should start on them now already, no joke).  However, I overwork myself, and begin to wonder what it is all for.  It's my own fault, I guess.  I also find myself wondering about whether what I am making is something the person is really going to like... or if it is good enough.  It really doesn't help me much.

Where the kids are concerned, it is really hard for me.  We do Christmas eve at my inlaws, and they buy so many toys for the kids that it makes me feel like a bad parent for not giving as much as they do. I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but about the love, the time with family, and the time we spend together and on each other... showing love to each other because of the gift of love that was given that very first Christmas, so long ago.  However, you can't help but feel a responsibility as a parent to make sure you are the one your kids are excited about getting gifts from the most... if you know what I mean?  After all, we are the parents.  Right?  Or maybe I've got it all wrong?  I mean, the amount of toys they get each year is one of the reasons I said that this year I was not buying anything, and I told the kids that.  They understood that the items they were going to get from us this year were all going to be handmade or second hand (like clothes).  And I have to say that it made my heart feel good when my daughter came up to me after they had been playing with their handmade items for awhile, gave me a hug and said 'thank you mommy, I love my presents'.  It really did!  So... after all was said and done, I feel it was worth it. 

But getting there was such a battle!

The Christmas baking... I wanted to bake so many goodies for people!  So very many!  However, the time it takes... I just never got around to about half the things I wanted to make, and almost had to force myself to make some of the things I'd never made before as I was scared of screwing up.  And I did screw up.  I had to restart a recipe completely as I totally messed it up at first.  I was lucky that the ingrediants were the same as that of the next recipe, so it worked out ok in the end.  Didn't prevent me from having a complete and utter cry over it all.

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Just about every day this last week or week and a half I've been sobbing over something.  I've found that I feel dejected.  I feel depressed.  I'm so happy to make things for people, and so glad to make others happy and make them feel loved... but... I feel so dejected myself.  I feel empty.  I feel drained.

I've been trying to figure out what my problem is.  I never had this before.  I've always been happy with anything, satisfied with life as it is, and thrilled to see what I can do to make it better for myself and those around me.  But with how things have been the last few months, the stress has been taking it's toll...

I've been completely drained.  Emotionally and physically... and perhaps even spiritually which is worst of all.

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling lonely.  Forgotten.  As though the only thing that matters in my family to the people around us is my children.  And I love my children!  I'm so glad everyone wants to be around them, and that people love them so much!  I would do anything for them, anything to protect them!  But... I've been feeling forgotten. As though my children are the only reason I'm visited or noticed (not by everyone, thankfully... I just guess that with how busy things are that I don't get visitors often as is).  I feel by one specific person as though I myself am only important for one thing... raising these children.  And I'm glad that I get to raise them!  Really, I am!  I feel so blessed that God has placed them in our lives, and I wouldn't change that for the world!  But I want to be 'me' as well.  I want to be recognized as a person beyond the mom of my children.

And I'd like to know who I am again.

We've been dealing with some massive stress and family drama, and I've been learning about some scary things that are in my husband's family that are putting me into a fight or flight mode.  I am having nightmares on a regular basis due to this.  I am exhausted from it as I haven't been sleeping well at all.  And being exhausted from stress and from an overload of work, not to mention the fact that we haven't been eating as healthy as we usually do, has been taking it's toll.  I've been snapping so quickly lately, and it is making me so upset as I'm mad at myself for it.  I just... I don't know how to fix it.  I'm not sure how to help myself stop stressing.  I'm afraid.  Really... and it has been affecting my family.  My kids are not their usual selves.  I know that the holiday season has done this almost every year.  However, there is more going on this year.  My daughter has started up with lying, and the kids are copying some of my own outbursts in their own way, and it bothers me so much.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I feel terrible.  And I don't know how to change it.

Anyway, the last few years I've felt less and less like Christmas really means what it is meant to.  The first number of years of marriage, Christmas was more fun.  I loved doing the gifts for my husband's family, just as I did for mine.  As the years have gone on, I've been disappointed by their lack of appreciation.  It wasn't what they wanted, it didn't matter that it was homemade, I needed to change something, or they don't eat 'baked goods' (not by everyone, mind you).  And one the worst was that one of the recipients never recieved his gifts.  The baked goods I did one year ended up in my MIL's freezer and we saw them in the barn that summer.  All the candy, the peanut brittle (which I made specifically because I'd heard it was his favorite), she didn't send them later on, she just popped them upstairs in the barn.  The first few years of gifts I made, even though I put them in the box that they shipped to him, they were removed, and he didn't get them.  Another of the siblings actually gave back a gift I had given because he 'didn't want it'.  I gave up.  I don't make gifts for my husband's family anymore.  We tried ticket gifts, and one person never gave.  Recieved, but didn't give.  We tried collaborating on something for our parents, and that same person promised a sum and never gave.  So, this year I only made something for my husband's parents.  I was hoping that they would love it as I put so very much time, effort, and energy into it.  It's a heritage album.  I know they probably appreciate it, and more so when they actually look at it later on, but it was just glanced at and put aside at the gathering.  I feel a bit hurt.  I want to give up.  And... in many ways, I already have.

I guess lately, for the last few years, I've just wished that someone would put the same effort into something for me that I love to put into the things I make others.  My husband's family gives lots of 'stuff', not really thinking about the person they are gifting to.  At least, that is how it feels.  Shirts, or even something like a clock with a moose on it (we don't know why they gave us that... neither of us are into moose, and we have more than enough clocks in our house).  The shirts never fit (I don't know why they always buy me a large or extra large or 1X when I fit a small to medium).  I had to return the shirt they bought me this year because it will not fit.  And I feel terrible for it... because it makes me wonder if I appreciate their gift.  And it makes me wonder why I bother putting all the effort I do into theirs... even though I know it is because I want to, not because I expect the same in return.

This year, I've been feeling this more than ever, wanting almost to give up completely... but my family suprised me this year.

First, my sister and her husband dropped by unexpectedly to give us a card and dash.  In the card was a gift certificate for tickets for two to go to a movie, and the promise that they would babysit for the evening.  Something I have been craving more than anything is more time with my husband, and this gift just made me so happy that they thought of us, that we needed a date night, and that they wanted to help us have one.

My husband had Christmas sneak up on him this year, and so he didn't get me much... but he made me a coupon book with things that we are going to do together later in January... a weekend away from the kids, just the two of us, some time alone without the kids, things like that.  And it is so special, knowing that he heard my cries for time together... and that we will get some of this before the baby is born.

Then there was the Christmas gathering with my family.  My parents have been sick, but my mom and dad made us such a wonderful meal, and had all of us in their house for the night!  There is never a doubt in my mind that my parents love us so much and would do anything to truly help us with whatever we need. 

And then we got to open the presents.

My brother had my ticket this year.  We decided in my family that the gifts we gave had to be at least 30% homemade.  And he made me want to cry. 

He made me a 'family tree'.  The roots have the word 'GOD' 'written' in using the wire.  The heart frame is where the branches start... and in it is me and my husband.  Then there were three other frames... one with a pic of each of our kids, and a sketched one with 'baby' written underneath, haha.  It really is me in so many ways.  I love these pieces of art, but never bought one for myself because I find them expensive and I just cannot justify the money spent... so to recieve something like this...

I almost cried.

I feel a renewed sense of longing to make things again.  I want to see what I can make for people... I want to start early so I have time to put my all into things again... for those I love the most.

My husband... my kids... my parents and siblings... and my friends.

And I want to try new things... I want to learn new ways to make things.  I want to attempt all sorts of things.

And I want to make something for myself.

This is new.  I never really want to make anything for myself.  Maybe it's because I don't think I'm worth it?  I'm not sure.  But I have some things in mind that I want to make now, and I need to learn how in order to do it.  I'm figuring out what I like... I like organic things... things that look homemade.  Perhaps that is why I love making things so much?  Things of wire, wood, stone, metal, cotton.  Things that look artsy... not perfect...

Made with love...

My brother will probably never read this blog.  And even if he started, I'm sure he wouldn't want to read the whole thing (after all, my thoughts are all over the place), but if he did, I'd want him to know that I am so thankful for the heart that he put into this gift for me.  I'd want him to know that he has helped renew my love for Christmas again.  That I am worth it, too.  Because I've spent so much of my energy hoping to make others feel that way, that I've forgotten to feel that way myself.

Thank you, RJ.  Your gift to me has touched my heart this Christmas in so many ways.  And not just the gift itself, but the thought and the time that I can see that you put into it.  I will see it as a reminder, not only of my family which is what you made it for, but of the fact that I am worth having something like this, of feeling worth something, and of being myself, a wife, and a mom.

And may God forever be the roots that hold this family up, just as He has been for the family my parents raised.

Thank you so much to my family.  You have helped renew something in me that I was beginning to lose.  I love you all so very much, and I am so happy to be your daughter and sister.

Pre-trib or Post-trib?

Lately my husband and I have been reading the new testament, and a lot of striking verses have come to my attention. I've been given short visions that may not be of what will happen, but seem to be a teaching moment from God to me myself. I've read the word over and over, and have changed my beliefs on the rapture as a result. And I feel very strongly, the need to divulge some of this information to anyone else who is searching for their own answers to this question...

Pre-trib or Post-trib?

Ok... where to begin... I suppose it is best to begin in the beginning, and so, that is what I will do.

Our church has a little 'ceremony' they did years ago (I can't remember, but I think they still do) for those children who were 'graduating' from grade 2 to grade 3. The children would line up at the front of the church and receive their very first Bible. I remember being very excited! A Bible of my very own! I poured over it, not understanding very much, but loving that I had my own Bible, and I could read it whenever I wanted. (I still remember very carefully and lovingly turning each extremely thin page, looking at the gold along the edges as if it was real, and worth more than anything else I owned... which... it was). I don't know how many years it was before I heard about the book of Revelation. I decided to read it. I think I was about 10. It bothered me to no end. The imagery... especially of the winepress... it haunts me to this day, and I still have a hard time reading that specific part of the passage.

I remember running down the stairs to where my dad was sitting at the table. I still remember he had a cup of coffee. And I asked him... "Dad, will we be here when this happens?" showing him the Book of Revelations. His face got very serious, and he asked me something. "Does the Bible say that God loves us?"... well obviously yes... "I don't believe that God would let those people whom He loves have to go through things as terrible as that. I don't believe that we will be here. There are verses in the New Testament that say we will be raptured, we will meet Jesus in the air (he was talking of 1 Corinthian 15:52), and we will be with him forever. I think that Jesus will appear to those of us who are His before what the Revelations says will happen. I don't think we will be here."

I remember feeling much calmer because of that. But I didn't feel at peace. There was always something I'd read elsewhere in the Bible that made me uneasy, and I'd justify it away with "but dad said that since God loves us, He wouldn't put us through that." and then ignore portions of what I was reading, or explain it away in other things... making my own interpretation of it. And I hated it. I was not happy. I didn't like it, and I was not growing.

But I WAS growing. I was discovering something... looking at the Word, seeing things that didn't match what I was taught... my soil was being worked... ready for the planting that would happen years later.

I did read Revelation over the years... a few times. I never felt comfortable with it. I didn't like the book. If we weren't going to be here for all this, why is this book even IN the Bible to begin with? If it's for the people left behind, but God has been removed from the earth, what on earth would this book do? It would do nothing! How useless! This book is almost completely useless. I couldn't grow... I couldn't understand... my heart and my mind were not in tune with whatever the Word was saying, and it was driving me nuts.

A few years ago, a local church was doing a set of sermons on the very topic I had been avoiding for the last many years... Revelation. At least, that was how I saw it. My husband very much wanted to go listen to one or two of these sermons, and I did NOT want to. 'What's the point' I would tell him. 'It doesn't mean anything to us who believe, as we won't even be here when it all happens.' I don't think I truly believed that...

We went to one anyway... after much prodding by my husband. And I was ready to hear the same things I'd heard over and over again...

... but I didn't.

The Bible was laid bare, and the preacher started by summing up what had been stated in earlier sermons... that they believed the pre-trib rapture was a misconception, and that the Bible supports a post-trib rapture. He then went on to prove it with MANY passages of Scripture... the very passages I had been having trouble understanding for YEARS... the very passages I was explaining away.

And my heart soared.

I must say, it still sounds silly to me to feel such freedom, such relief, after hearing that all those terrible things that will happen in Revelation could very well happen within my own lifetime... and that I could very well be here for them, or even be martyred for my faith... but it was. I felt free. I felt happy... excited even. Finally, after all these years, things were making sense! The word was new again. I've read the entire Bible a few times since then, and God has opened things up to me that I would have never understood if I still had the same views as before. More of Jesus words make sense, more of the old testament seems to fit, they no longer seem like just stories to me, but like there is a reason for the stories, as though God made those things happen for future generations to see who He is, and how He works, and that no, He doesn't change, He is the same, but now we have Jesus who stands as the mediator between us and God, who will make us clean before Him, so we can be in His presence...

But God is the Same. This is important. The Old Testament stories... they are important to the understanding of the rapture, of the end of the world, of the book of Revelation, and even of Jesus own teachings. The character of God has not and will not change.

God did not remove his people from the slavery of Egypt until he had finished all the plagues on the Egyptians... his plagues did not affect his people... it would have been the Egyptians treatment of the people due to the plagues that was terrible for them... but the people stayed right there, in Egypt, until PHAROAH had enough and let them leave... until after the death of many firstborn people in the land, even Pharoah's own son.

Noah was here when the earth was riddled in sin. The people were so bad that God destroyed them all with a flood. He loved Noah and his family, and told him to build an ark. If Noah hadn't believed God, he wouldn't have survived either, but because he believed, he did exactly as God said, built the ark, put up with the ridicule of the people, and persisted. The animals came of God's doing, they entered the ark, and God shut the door, and THEN the world was flooded, and the people were drowned... that very same day.

Sodom and Gomorrah. The people were full of sin. God wished to destroy them, and because the only family that was still upright was Lot and his household, God warned him to get out, and NOT LOOK BACK. That very minute. That very night. The angels said he had to DO something. He wasn't magically going to be removed from the impending doom, but he was given his choice... go or die. And so they did. They left, and his wife looked back and turned to salt. (More on this later... man, my heart and mind are so very full right now, my fingers can hardly keep up).

Here... Revelation 18...

4 Then I heard another voice from heaven say:
“‘Come out of her, my people,’[b] so that you will not share in her sins, so that you will not receive any of her plagues; 5 for her sins are piled up to heaven, and God has remembered her crimes. 6 Give back to her as she has given; pay her back double for what she has done. Pour her a double portion from her own cup. 7 Give her as much torment and grief as the glory and luxury she gave herself. In her heart she boasts, ‘I sit enthroned as queen. I am not a widow;[c] I will never mourn.’ 8 Therefore in one day her plagues will overtake her: death, mourning and famine. She will be consumed by fire, for mighty is the Lord God who judges her."

I'm seeing a parallel here.

How many stories are there where the people underwent hardship that none of us could imagine, and God was with them, and he destroyed their adversaries after all the terrible things that happened... not before, but AFTER. How many terrible things is the church across the ocean undergoing right now? We hear so many stories of the martyrs and almost martyrs, of imprisonment and danger, and yet we believe that we will be spared the terrible martyrdom of the end of the days of the world? Why are we given specific warnings for all these things if it isn't for us to know about for some reason? God would not be warning us if he is going to magically rapture us before all that will happen. He never has... not in all the old testament.

My husband and I are currently reading through Luke, and there is so much that is being opened up to me again and again through the words of Christ in this book. A few days ago we read Luke 17. The verses that stand out to me are these...

The Coming of the Kingdom of God
20 Once, on being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, 21 nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.”[c]
22 Then he said to his disciples, “The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. 23 People will tell you, ‘There he is!’ or ‘Here he is!’ Do not go running off after them. 24 For the Son of Man in his day[d] will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. 25 But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.

26 “Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. 27 People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.

28 “It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. 29 But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.

30 “It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. 31 On that day no one who is on the housetop, with possessions inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32 Remember Lot’s wife! 33 Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it. 34 I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. 35 Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left.” [36] [e]

37 “Where, Lord?” they asked.

He replied, “Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather.”

I have lots to say on this passage, I will have to come back to it later, but the thing that struck me was how Jesus was telling his diciples that the world would be continuing like it always had been, and then Jesus would come. And the end would be here. The stories he specifically talks about show how everyone died THAT VERY DAY after the people of God left. He says it will be like the days of Noah. Noah had to prepare for the flood. He built an ark. He followed what God told him to do. He wasn't magically removed before he built the ark. He didn't go into the ark and stay there for a year before the world flooded. No... the door was shut, and the waters came. The people kept on living, oblivious to the fact that their world was about to end, even though Noah knew that the world would flood because God told him so. The people probably thought he and his family were lunatics, building a giant boat in the middle of the land... it was a joke. Yeah right. Would never happen. So they continued to live the way they always had, unbelieving, as Noah prepared. I think it will be the same in the end. Those who are in Christ will see that the antichrist has been revealed, and will RUN FOR THEIR LIVES from this man, and the city he is in. He will do terrible things to the people of God on this earth, and THEN, Jesus will come, at the sound of the last trumpet, flash across the sky like lightening, and everyone who remains on earth will go to him. The rest of the world, up until that point, will be living as though the end of the world is not nigh. Everything is as normal. Nothing strange has happened. If we were raptured before the antichrist was revealed (as a certain book series describes), wouldn't it make people wonder what on earth happened? Literally? People disappeared! Come on, that would not be like the situation with Noah, or with Lot. Nobody could even take notice that they had disappeared before they were swept away in God's wrath. God's people are gone/safe and YOUR DOOM HAS COME! That very day. It was that way for the people of Noah's time, for Sodom and Gomorrah... just as Jesus said.

I had another discussion with my dad recently about this very topic. I have one verse that, to me, proves that we will be leaving at the end of the tribulation. I couldn't remember the reference at the time, but I have it now, and I want anyone who wonders to look it up for themselves. I want the Bible to tell us the truth. I don't want to just believe what someone else has said because 'they did the work, and they said so'. That is not the way to find truth. I don't want preconcieved perceptions of what will happen to cloud my reasoning (which it probably will anyway). I want the Bible to tell me. I want to see the Bible EXACTLY for what it is.

1 Cor 15:51-53

51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.

This verse is brought up whenever the rapture is talked about, and I have to wonder why a certain part of it is always ignored. "At the last trumpet". The LAST trumpet. What other mention of trumpets is there, except in Revelation, where the last of the seven seals holds the seven trumpets? The LAST trumpet. We will be changed! Clothed with immortality! And that verse makes no sense if we are to be taken before the tribulation... 1 Thess 4:16 says "For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." If the dead will rise first, how can we, who are alive, be taken before the last trumpet, and then the dead at the last trumpet. The dead will rise first, and those who are alive will also come at the trumpet call of God... at the LAST TRUMPET.

I just don't know how much clearer you can get then that. Unless I am somehow mistaken in what is being said here, but like I said before... I want truth. Give it to me in black and white. Please.

I apologize to anyone I may make angry. I don't mean to offend or put you down in any way... I am honestly trying to find the answers, and the answer I was given so many years ago... it just doesn't cut it for me. To me, I've discovered that God is not a 'feel good' God. We've boxed Him in, we've taken away His power by putting restrictions on Him, but I believe He has so much He is trying to reveal to us... so much that we just aren't getting because of our longing for a 'feel good' talk, or for things that people have told us that are not necessarily the Word itself.

Because I'm searching for the truth, I had to look up something that is brought up every time this topic comes up. I've been told that the Holy Spirit will be removed from the earth before the AntiChrist will appear. I've asked so many times what verses say that, because I really want to know. Well, a conversation yesturday yielded results... I searched them out on the web (I love Google) and came up with a number of sites, all yielding the exact same verse.

2Thess 2:5-9 Do you not remember that when I was still with you I told you these things? 6 And now you know what is restraining (Witholdeth), that he may be revealed in his own time. 7 For the mystery of lawlessness (iniquity) is already at work; only he who now restrains will do so until he is taken out of the way. 8 And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord will consume with the breath of His mouth and destroy with the brightness of His coming.’

Never in this verse does it directly say that the Holy Spirit will be removed from the world. That is an interpretation that people have given it. If Paul was talking about the Holy Spirit, would he not have said so directly, as he has in all his other letters regarding anything speaking about the Holy Spirit? I wonder if we are not reading this wrong... that the thing restrained is not the lawlessness, but the MYSTERY of lawlessness. If that is what is being restrained, would the Holy Spirit be the one restraining it? Wouldn't that mean the 'he' written about would actually be restraining the truth? The Holy Spirit would not restrain the truth from us. He was given to us to reveal the truth. In fact, this verse, if it is talking about removing the Holy Spirit from the earth, then the sentence reads that that would happen before the lawless one is revealed, which contradicts the paragraph above it...

2 Thessalonians 2
1 Concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him, we ask you, brothers and sisters, 2 not to become easily unsettled or alarmed by the teaching allegedly from us—whether by a prophecy or by word of mouth or by letter—asserting that the day of the Lord has already come. 3 Don’t let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness[a] is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. 4 He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.

These verses right here tell me that we cannot fall prey to others telling us the day of the Lord has already come. The MAN OF LAWLESSNESS, which is the antichrist, will be revealed BEFORE the day comes. Look at Matthew 24:4 onward. I will point out specifics since it is a long passage. The entire passage is warning about the persecution the people of God will undergo in those end times. Wars and rumors of wars... really.. read it! Verse 15-25...

"So when you see standing in the holy place 'the abomination that causes
desolation' spoken of through the prophet Daniel - let the reader understand -
then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let no one on the
roof of his house go down to take anything out of the house. Let no one in
the field go back to take his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days
for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that your flight will not
take place in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great
distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now-and never to be
equaled again. If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive,
but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. At that time if
anyone says to you, 'look, here is the Christ!' or, 'There he is!' do not
believe it. For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform
great signs and mirricles ro decieve even the elect - if that were
possible. See, I have told you ahead of time."

Ok, so why is Jesus warning us if we are gone? The antichrist is revealed, and the people are to RUN FOR THEIR LIVES! Don't look back, dreadful for nursing mothers (I've been one, and it's hard enough living a normal life with being pregnant or nursing, never mind being on the run. I don't think this means God will take away all believers and babies at this time, I think it means exactly what it says... it will be terrible for nursing moms and pregnant women). Pray that it doesn't take place in winter... how hard would it be to run for your life in winter? Really. Jesus is letting us know ahead of time. The antichrist will come. When you recognize it, RUN! Save your life! Why would he say that if we are to be taken already? The antichrist is a part of the tribulation (aka great trial or suffering), as talked about in Daniel and Revelation. So... we cannot be gone! Christ will not come 'again again'. He will come once more for all. He will come in glory and majesty. He will come with a shout, with the last trumpet call of God, and He will take all that are His in His march against The beast and the Antichrist, and they will be destroyed by the breath of His mouth and sent to their doom, and we will reign with Him on the earth for 1000 yrs! (and then the revelation goes on about Satan's re-release from imprisonment to sway the nations and one final battle where he is also sent to the lake of fire with all who do not have their name in the book of life.. but I digress)...

Huzzah!

That is what I believe. That is what I have read. That is what the Bible has told me in plain words, no holding back. That is my experience with the beliefs of BOTH pre and post trib rapture, and this is my stance. If the Bible were to prove me wrong, then it will prove me wrong, but so far, as it has been my experience, the Bible has proven my previous belief wrong, and has opened up so much more since I stopped believing that we are going before all the terrible persecutions that the tribulation will bring... and I believe that this has been revealed to me as truth... from my experience... because once I believed, I was 'set free'...

Completely... free...

And the Word has not been the same. It has opened up in so many new ways, and I have been so blessed in the reading and studying of the Word. So, I leave you with this verse, as you discover truth for yourself, as you read the Word yourself, and not take my word for it, but discover it on your own...

John 8:32 "And then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Let's be free! Let's not take others words as truth, and lay the Bible bare, and look for the truth that God has sent us. Please. God is waiting. Seek and you will find. But, you have to SEEK.

Note: I will continue to seek, as there is still much in the Bible that I do not completely understand... specifically on Daniel and Revelation regarding the last hour. More specifically, regarding the whole 7 year theory, which I cannot find spoken of specifically, but is instead coming out as interpretations, once again, by some very smart people, but they are interpretations, and I don't want to believe them fully until God reveals to me that it is indeed 7 years he talks of (Daniel speaks of time, times and half a time which is regarded as 3.5 years... and then there is mention of a 'seven' and something happening halfway through the 'seven', with the antichrist... and it is all very confusing for me and beyond the scope of what I am willing to discuss at this time. When God reveals to me what he wants me to see there specifically, I will understand, and I will probably talk about it. The 7 year theory does sound like a plausible one from the things others have said, and from what I've read in Daniel, but I am not going to believe it as 'truth' or as 'scriptural' because, from my readings, the bible has never said 'the tribulation will last 7 years' explicitly. If you can prove it to me, please do!).

Ok... I've gone on long enough.

For a Very Special Man

This month, my grandfather went home to be with his heavenly Father.

I'll be honest... I don't really know what to say.  I loved my grandpa very much.  I have many memories of him.  He enjoyed working in the soil... he was a farmer through and through.  I stayed over at their house for 3 weeks one time, and I got to spend a lot of time with him and grandma.  I remember his pipe... his jokes... him playing bidwist with whomever wanted to have a game... the long ashes on his cigarette.  He roasted mini marshmallows over his ash tray with me and my brother once.  Made a 'mini' fire with toothpicks and paper and lit it.  Mini marshmallows on toothpicks.  A mini campout at the dining room table in my grandparents house.

I remember his laugh.  That has got to be one of the best things about my grandpa.  He always had a smile or a laugh to share.  It didn't matter how bad things looked, there was always something to joke about.  I remember him taking us around the farm.  I didn't spend as much time with grandpa as the boys did, as grandpa always took the boys out to make them work... do a 'man's job'.  Put hairs on your chest... that sort of thing.  But I always knew he loved us girls, too.  He was never a man for hugs, but he'd give me one anyway (and as a child, I was a hugger).  He was a farmer, a trucker, and he always had interesting stories to share.  I loved listening to him and dad tell stories about things that happened while trucking, people they'd meet and that sort of thing.  And all the farming stories... the things they did way back when.  I wish I could have compiled it all into a book to share with my kids.  Grandpa was a hard worker.  I don't think any of this generation in this country really knows how to work as hard as my grandfather did.

And now he's home!  He can see his son again.  I imagine they're having a great time right now.  One day, we will join him there.

I wonder if they have farms and old fixer-upper Case tractors up in heaven... if they do, I can tell you that's where my grandpa would be.  :)

I love you, Grandpa! 

Glass or Plastic?

I am in a pickle. I'm not sure how to go about typing this without it sounding like a 'husband bashing' session (which is NOT my intent, let me assure you).

I love my husband. However, there are things I just don't understand about him.

Oh sure, most of the time our differences are our strengths. I don't have a major issue with some of the little things he does that may annoy me on other days. Unfortunately, today was one of those 'other' days.

I don't have anything to complain about, really. He is a gem! A real sweetheart! He made some rump roast into bacon wrapped steaks for tonight's supper with friends, which I am SO thankful he did. The problem, lately, is me. He even managed to clean up (for the most part) after himself (which is SO nice and I'm SO grateful for). And yet I still found myself with issues.

He marinated them in plastic containers! (oh the horror!).

Why on earth would this bother me so much? It frustrates me more (especially now that I'm thinking clearly again) that I was so bothered by the fact that they were in 3 separate plastic containers. I would have placed all the steaks in the nice 9x11 glass pan we have which is perfect for the job (and cleans up SO much easier... and doesn't retain the smell or the bacteria the plastic containers do). Perhaps if he had used plastic containers that have previously been used for marinating and already had the spice odour in them (thus making them useless for anything but) instead of fresh ones that had not been exposed to raw meat, I wouldn't have been as upset. I mean, really, all I needed to do was move them to the glass (which I did) and then soak the plastic in vinegar to kill the bacteria, and later in baking soda water to rid them of smell... but I was SO upset. I cried. And cried. And was even more upset because I WAS so upset that I couldn't lay down for a nap like I wanted (he innocently told me about the plastic just as I was laying down), and then even MORE so when my daughter awoke from all the crying I was doing, making sure I could NOT nap at all...

Really... why did it bother me so much? This is not biblical. This is not right. I need to do all things with a thankful heart. I need to stop my complaining and get rid of all malice. I need to just take it, deal with it, and move on. But I couldn't. I prayed and prayed about it (really... why did I even need to? It's just containers... it's no big deal), and kept on feeling like crap...

And then it hit me.

No, the reason is not because of my hormones, or the fact that I'm pregnant and stressed and tired... although they may all be contributing factors. The fact is, Satan is trying to get to me.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.
-1 Peter 5:8-9

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

-Ephesians 6:11

The issue was not actually the containers. It was just a trigger to get to me. So, I had to pray it away. I had to get rid of him, stand firm in my faith and take on the armor of God before I let this little thing get a major grip on me. Sure, I told my husband about it later and asked that maybe he try to use the glass next time (I really don't want to have to do all that stuff to those containers every time we have steak... and my husband is usually a good listener). However, it wasn't in anger. I wasn't tempted to take those containers and smash him over the head with them like I was earlier that afternoon (he should be thankful he had to be in the barn right after he told me... ha ha). However, I really need to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again... that I get a grip on reality and get rid of those negative feelings that Satan sends my way before I DO do something I'll regret.

Basically, I need to wear the armor of God. And, to help myself out, I need to make sure to give my stresses to God more regularly, to rest properly (last night I did NOT sleep well at all, which wasn't my fault, so I did rest all day today, but it still wasn't enough), and to be aware of my hormonal imbalances (don't we all?) so I know when I am my weakest and can warn my loved ones to pray more (and do so myself, of course). And to spend more time with God in the mornings. Not half-hearted time, either. Full-on time. Give-myself-over time. Time where I am NOT thinking about the things I need to get done, or the things I'd like to do, or the baby or the daughter or the husband, but time alone with my Saviour, getting to know Him a little better, and myself as well.

I spend time with him... but not like I should. I usually bump it up a notch after a day like today. I wish it didn't have to take a kick in the pants to get me back on board.

I guess that's something to be thankful for, amIright? Today's meltdown is the kick I need to spend proper time with my Saviour.

Now if only I could do without the kick...