Thoughts on Dreams

"I am the vine; you are the branches" John 15:5

I've been loaded with all sorts of strange dreams/nightmares lately. I've always had rather vivid dreams, many super strange, many realistic, most full of color. My latest dream really spoke to me again. It was of another miscarriage scare.

I've had many like this to some degree during this pregnancy, and I'm not suprised. Each one has been the same in one respect. I see blood, I get upset, I pray. The earlier ones were filled with more panic and "Lord, you can't let this happen" type feelings, but the prayers were very real, praying I won't miscarry, praying for protection, then knowing deep down I was keeping this baby. Each time I would then hear God say to me "don't worry, this is just a dream" and then to prove it He'd wake me up.

Anyway, I've had many dreams in the last while of being alone. Not that there is nobody else in the dream, just that they aren't there for me, or I can't get ahold of them, or I can't call out to them for some reason when I need help, or something of that nature. My other miscarriage dreams were of me at home. Not this one. I was somewhere 'uncomfortable'. I remember seeing a lot of blood, wanting to call Chuck but being unable to, asking for others around me (all faces I recognized, knew and loved) to pray for me and having them say "its too late", or "your overreacting" or pretty much ignore my need for prayer completely. While one such person was going on about some problem they were having with a game of theirs, I completely ignored them and started to pray on my own... knowing deep down that I couldn't in fact be miscarrying. I got a confirmation kick, and woke up once again.

Now all of this may just seem like strange ramblings of weird dreams. I believe it was something more. While in devotions this morning, God asked me a question that I felt was directly linked to my dreams of the last week. "Am I enough?" I had to think about it...

I was scared. God has blessed me richly with my family and friends, a loving husband, and a little baby. Admitting to myself that God was enough was like saying it's ok to take all these people away from me. I thought about it, and it took awhile to realize that yes... God IS enough. In fact, everything I have is because of God. If He chose to remove people from my life, I'll be ok. If my whole world fell apart, I'll still be ok... because He is enough. Granted, I don't want any of that to happen, I'd feel terrible. However, the realization that even if it does, I'll still be fine, is actually quite calming.

I'm learning more and more to trust Him. He's been giving me so much to think about in our times together, and He's teaching me to trust. If I have doubts, that's fine, as long as I bring them to Him and allow Him to show me His truth. He loves me no matter what. I'm His. He created me perfectly, exactly the way He wanted to. I just have to trust Him. Nobody else will be able to help me with the things I am currently facing. Nobody else knows exactly what I need. So, I need to pray, to listen, and to trust.

If only it was easier.