Ok, I feel like being totally and brutally honest today. None of that no-blogging-about-it-because-it's-harsh /depressing /stupid /lame.
Nope... totally honest. Like I should be.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Now I'll tell you right up, this post may have a little TMI for some. This post is not meant for the male reader (although that probably just makes you more curious, right? Maybe not? Hopefully not, because you won't understand much of it anyway). Plus, this may raise more questions than answers.
First of all, I've been told I've been dealing with post partum depression. I don't know for sure if that is what is going on or not. It's just something I've been told. Yeah, I've been cranky, PMS-ing and such, and yes I've been having difficulty sleeping. Lots of difficulty. Maybe it is PPD. But I don't want to take pills for it.
I was recently put on Sandoz-Mirtazapine... 7.5mg dose/day. That's half a pill, folks. Half. We cut every single one of those already tiny things into half. I was to take them in the evening before bed to help me sleep as they cause drowsiness. What I wasn't told is that they also cause dizziness, increase in appetite, weight gain, and a host of other things. When I started, they were fine. I slept. Well. So well, I didn't actually wake during the night. I was grateful. I took them for 4 weeks. Then I had another doctors appointment and described some other things I was experiencing, like sudden sugar cravings, weight gain, super sensitive teeth (doctor didn't know about that one as the pill wasn't ever reported to have that effect), and this fatigue that plagued me throughout the day. It was terrible. He gave me another prescription for another pill to take in the mornings to combat the side effects of pill #1.
I stopped taking those pills.
Immediately I had trouble sleeping again. I tried taking one or two pills since then, but noticed that I was less functional during the day after my 'good night's sleep' with the pill than after no sleep without one, so I have stopped taking them altogether. It's been about 3 weeks.
Not only that, but I'm wondering if I was pregnant. Was.
Please note, I do not know for sure. I never took a test (I'm too cheap to buy one, and I only go in to get one done at the clinic when I'm two weeks over... and I started my last cycle the day before I decided I would go in). Yes, I was practically 2 weeks late. I've always been exact... I can predict my cycle to the letter. Yes, I'm still nursing, which is why I wanted to wait a while. I don't know how regular I'll be right now. The lateness is not why I thought I was pregnant.
I've only started my cycle again in June... early June. I started weaning Baby M shortly thereafter. These might be contributing to my confusion. Anyway, on to why I thought I was pregnant.
I was having all the symptoms I had in early pregnancy with Baby M (and my previous one a bit as well). I wanted to cry at everything, I was dropping things all the time (I get super klutzy), my stomach felt heavy, so did my breasts (and they were still being emptied... this was not a milk heavy, but different), I wanted to eat ALL the time (again, I thought initially this was from that pill I was taking), I was dizzy (another pill effect, right?), tired tired tired to the point where I almost fell asleep on the floor with Baby M climbing over my torso... and that's when it hit me. Climbing over my stomach, it felt fuller than normal. Like there was something there. I realized I was getting up to go to the bathroom every night for a few weeks, I was late, I was having strange dreams about buying cribs and crib sets at flea markets, birthing... (I initially thought the dreams had to do with my sister-in-law being ready to pop at any moment, and they may well have). I was scared at first. I didn't want to be pregnant yet. I tried to ignore it but it kept niggling. And at the same time I felt I couldn't be.
Last week Tuesday, I felt my stomach and that odd feeling I had way back was there. I was sure. Wednesday I started to bleed. I cried. I must have been wrong. I mourned the loss of a baby that only existed in my mind that day...
The symptoms persisted.
My bleeding has ended. I've noticed some strange things throughout (maybe some TMI?). Not clots, per say, but some grayish matter. Weird things. Things that weren't there in my last period. They couldn't be from my previous pregnancy, could they? Wouldn't they have exited by now? I've still been seeing strangeness, even afterwards. Many of my symptoms have since slowed (but they did with my pregnancies too... which is why I'm weirded out by it all). I'm still having birthing dreams, and I wake up during the night with this feeling in my stomach... like I've been having contractions as my stomach feels all tightened up. I've considered that I may have been pregnant and miscarried again, but I have no idea. I don't feel like I've miscarried... so maybe I was never pregnant... but still. What is going on?
I'd like to blame these pills for all my problems (sounds fun, right?), and truth is, they may have been partly to blame. I started my first cycle (since Baby M's birth) the day after I took the first pill... that very night. The timing is weird. They say the effects of this pill on depression start only after 2 weeks... around the time a conception would have taken place. I didn't see a change in my mood swings really, or any positive change except sleep, and a sudden urge to want to sleep the day away... at 2 weeks. Two weeks later I quit, and expected to see some withdrawal, more mood swings, etc. Hopefully a drop in appetite (which I'm only experiencing now...), and another cycle, which waited a lot longer. Another thing I wouldn't have been surprised to see. But... add in the nighttime bathroom visits, the clumsiness, the dreams...
Am I crazy?
I've been feeling really down lately. Many of you may have noticed. It's been a combination of things... lack of sleep being major, but I've been taking everything way too personally, getting down about things that really shouldn't bother me in the first place, and then beating myself up over getting down about those things BECAUSE they shouldn't bother me, going crazy with another project to let myself unwind (yes... projects help me unwind... weird, I know), then not finishing that project because I didn't plan it properly and don't have what I need to finish, getting upset yet again... and the cycle continues.
My goodness, but I'm all over the place.
Anyway, my question is...
Is this normal? Was I pregnant or not? Did I miscarry again? Or, is this all because of some stupid anti-depressant causing so much more trouble than the $5 I paid for it? Why am I still feeling crampy, even after my period is over?
The easy answer... blame the pill. The truth.... only God knows.
5 comments:
I think it is very possible that you could have been pregnant and miscarried really early. It is one of those things that we just will never know though~
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I would absolutely talk with your OBGYN about everything!! She can probably give you a ton of insight.
((hugs))
From what i have read about the way you took your pills, it sounds like you should be feeling the way you are. I have had LOTS of clinical training in working with anti-depressants, and they are a great tool...it used properly. I would talk with your doctor ASAP and find out how you should be taking them now, as you have taken them "out of order". If anti-depressants are taken incorrectly the "depressing" symptoms can be compounded, and you cannot rely on them to get you back to were you want to be. I would seek medical help soon. Like i stated before, these are great tools and some people need them long term. It is not uncommon for post pregnant people to face these struggles. Your body is going through TONS of changes (even as you ween your child). I am a Christian man and think there is nothing wrong with taking medications to help with depression. I pray that you will start to feel the way you want to.
Trev
does it really matter if you were pregnant or not? you will never know for sure even if people tell you they think you were. To be completely honest I think your doctor is right- i have the same doctor and he knows his stuff.
To be honest I am on antidepressants too- and the first few weeks were like hell (antidepressants do that) and you were not on them long enough to just go off.
So because you went off them like you did you body will be going crazy. and blaming how you feel on the drugs is not going to help- I would recommend talking to your doctor and staying on them this time for a least three months before reevaluating whether or not they are working for you.
You being depressed affects others around you too- it doesn't just affect you. Others have noticed- and I think it is important to take your doctors recommendations and not self diagnose.
At this point how you feel is much more important than weight gain and whatnot- you can always work on that once things in your mind have been sorted out.
I sincerely hope you get this figured out- please know I am saying all this because I care.
Sabrina, I e-mailed you and I hope it helps to hear from someone who has had experience going off the same drug! The way you are feeling & acting is completely in line with psychiatric drug withdrawal and so much like what I went through. I know you're probably getting a few conflicting opinions from people which can be tough when your mind & body are sending you conflicting messages too! I know it is so hard what you are going through now but I can assure you that things will get better the longer you are off the drugs. I know we both hate phones ;) but please feel free to phone me when things are going tough, 'kay? Take care, girl! Hugs hugs hugs.
Oh, mama, you need to stop and breathe. I am not sure if you were pregnant, but if you were, that would account for some hormones. Changes in nursing patterns shift hormones. Starting your period again shifts hormones. And what everyone else has said re:anti-depressants is so true...it takes awhile for the body to adjust to the pills, and dr.s generally tell you not to come off of them too quickly because that can also result in stronger mood swings. I don't know the answers. But you need your rest. You need to still nap when the baby naps, even if you are not tired. Just lay down. Go for long walks rather than crazy with the weights, crunches, etc. Your body needs time to unwind, to become more tired throughout the day so that you can sleep better. Drink hot tea, take hot long showers. Join a mothers group. Are you involved with one? You need a support system. A very good Christian resource is a MOPS group. You may want to google MOPS and see if there is one in your area. They are an international organization. You need to Be Still. It is easy sometimes to want to fix things...to run around and hustle and bustle, and keep things the same as they were before the baby, or aim for perfection with the meals, with the house, with the projects...to prove ourselves as super women. But you cannot take care of your family if you are not taking care of yourself first. Try and keep a regular decent bed time, even on the weekends. Learn to say no to more things on the calendar. You are in my prayers today.
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