I do not feel like a good person today. Somehow, everything I do makes someone snappy (either me or my husband... and when it's me I feel like a terrible person). Somehow, every decision I make doesn't sit right in my gut. Somehow... everything just feels so wrong. My world is turning upside down, and crying isn't going to fix any of it.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe it's a cry for help... or prayer, or something. I just don't know myself today. I can't do this. I don't feel secure in anything right now. What I have 'known' for so long is being ripped out, and I just don't have the capacity to handle it. I can't make my house work properly for my family, no matter how hard I try. Ideas are made, ideas are lost, new ones are created, and none of them feel right at all. I'm trying so hard to make things work, to reorganize, remix, refigure... but it seems like it's all for naught. I've packed away so many things today that I just don't know what is happening anymore. I have ideas to make my craft room/sewing room work, but I can't get my jigsaw working, I can't get things cut beyond what my small mitre saw can do, and I'm at a loss. I've done a lot in our house to organize things... and I have much more I really want to do, but I can't get there. I'm stuck.
And as for the bedrooms...
We were going to take our bedroom and turn it back into two bedrooms, as it was originally. It would work well, I figure. We put in an easy wall, no drywalling needed, where the wall used to be (difficult to explain here unless I have pics, which I don't, so I won't bother). Needless to say, simple. Probably only $50 cost total. Then we put a door back where the old door used to be. Well, we thought we had a door. Apparently not. Meaning we'd have to buy a door and frame. That's not too pricey for a 28" wide door. I've been reorganizing our bedroom closets, taking down our collections in our bookshelves and putting them all into storage, etc. Then the idea of having the kids share the downstairs spare room as a bedroom came up. That room is huge. Their current room is about 12x10? Maybe? If that? The room they'd move into if ours was split into two would only be a few inches shorter in the one direction, and has a walk in closet. No dresser needed... which brings about a LOT of space in the long run. Still cozy and would work fine. Our room would be a lot smaller, and everything in our current room closets would need removing to make way for our clothes, but it's totally doable, and in my opinion, cozy and nice. Nursery would become the nursery again, and I'd put our rocking chair back in, have everything set up for baby, etc. I liked the idea.
The spare room is huge. 15x15. With a deck door (which is now sealed with plastic as it was not installed correctly and you could feel the cold air coming in... badly... I really thank my parents for sealing that off! It will make a huge difference). The room is cold. It WAS full of 'stuff'' and I used it as my craft/sewing area for awhile. The office was being turned into a compatible space for this (my project that needs a jigsaw, you see, has halted my progress). It is a lovely room... but not for a bedroom. It's right by the front door of the house. It has more windows than any other room in our house (in fact, I'd say total window space is larger than that of the entire second floor all together). It is a living room. Our current living space has NO windows... just a deck door that leads into a workshop... I really do not like the idea of my 2 and 4 year old sharing that huge, cold, room as a bedroom. Not one bit. My parents figure I'd love it in the long run... but I just can't wrap my head around it. But moving us into that room means we'd share a room with the baby for a rather long time. Why? I'm not hiking it up a flight of stairs multiple times a night to nurse. And we found out quick with our son that sharing a room prevents any of us from sleeping through the night. The day we moved him into the same room as our daughter, all of us slept. All of us! And it took us ten months to figure that out.
I just don't know what to do. We're looking at buying a house, but nothing is standing out right now. We've looked at a few places, and while many of them are really nice, none feels right. There was one that did the first time we saw it... and then the second time we looked it just... didn't... something was off about it. Either way, it is still in the back of my mind because of that first viewing, but I just don't know anymore.
I want to trust God in all of this. My husband has been looking around and doing his research in a number of things (when I said I feel our world is turning upside down, I mean it), and I am trying my best to do what we feel God is leading... and yet... I don't know where He is leading us. I feel torn between so many different places right now, and I just don't know. I want to be ready for whatever is thrown our way, but I just don't know how to go about it. Decluttering is one thing we can do I suppose... and the second I start I feel like I must be the worlds worst pack rat. I have a million projects I wish to finish that have been started... and I don't know what to do with them all.
My workshop is now a mess... I cleaned and organized it earlier this month. My basement feels like a disaster (although I know it isn't TOO bad), and I cleared everything out of it a few weeks back before the plumber came in. These are rooms we hardly go into. I just feel like crying, as I can barely keep up with my kitchen, dining room, and office... rooms that need reorganizing and a frequent cleaning multiple times a day to stay sane. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I know, I'm ranting. I feel at a complete loss, though, and I just don't know how to deal. I'm trying to organize my thoughts... and I still feel as though I want to turn our one bedroom into two instead of turning that spare room into a bedroom... but it feels as though renos aren't a good idea, especially if we are looking to move. I just don't know when we'll move. Or even if we will. I feel like God wants me to be ready to stay for awhile yet, but that I'm also supposed to be ready to move at a moment's notice. I just want to cry.
And I'm due in three weeks. And that terrifies me. I'm NOT ready to have this baby!
I just don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable with anything right now. Not at all. And I feel that no matter what I am doing to try to make the situation work, it doesn't work. I know that isn't completely true, but it feels that way. I am not feeling secure. I am not feeling peace. I am not feeling safe. My house is not mine. And it only started to feel that way the last few months.
One really good thing about today though... we removed a lot from the house. It was mostly garbage, things I'd already said would be removed, and recycling, but still. Now if only I could bring myself to sell stuff online through facebook or something, maybe we'd be able to get rid of more.
1 comment:
*hugs*
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