Birthing Confessions

The New Year is almost upon us!  I can hardly believe how fast 2014 flew by.

Anyone make resolutions?

Mine generally come in list form... complete this list of tasks some time during the year.  My list from January is still on the board... and very few things were checked off.  Things change through the year, and I'm ok with that.  I may still get to those things eventually, but for now, they will wait.

There are more important things to attend to.

My main 'resolution', which really isn't a resolution at all, is to be more prepared this year.  I am much more organized than I was this time last year, but I still find myself not thinking about certain things until the time for them to happen is fast approaching... like labor and delivery.  This week, I have managed to put away our Christmas decorations as part of my preparations... as baby is due in little more than two weeks.  I have washed clothes and diapers and the cradle mattress... we've set up a spot in our 'new' bedroom for the baby, but there is still much to do.  And the things that I need to do are more important than a 'proper bedroom' or a 'clean house' (which is an impossibility in itself, I'm sure other moms of toddlers would agree).  I need to prepare my mind.  My heart.  My family.

I am scared.

There.  I said it.  It seems rather silly, actually... being scared of having a baby.  I mean, come on!  I had 3 babies in the last 6.5 years.  I have had a fantastic pregnancy (seriously... I could not ask for a better pregnancy!  It was the best of all of them so far!).  I am scared of labor.  I am afraid of the pain.  I am actually contemplating an epidural... something I never dreamed of.  Especially since epidurals can actually increase the risk of my uterus not contracting back down to size the way it is meant to.  I'll be honest... I'm not actually sure I want one.  But the thought of that intensity during transition and second stage is, in all honesty, giving me the shakes.  Yes... the shakes.  I get them thinking about it.  So, I am trying to do my best right now to research things I can do to deal with pain naturally.  I am looking at essential oils, massage, music, anything.  And I am praying.  There are so many verses that talk about how this sort of fear is not of God.  It is of Satan.  Satan is trying to steal my joy.  This fear has taken what should be exciting and natural, something that is amazing and powerful, and turning it into something I am dreading.  Something I am wanting to run away from.  Something I feel overwhelmed with.

Perhaps that is a good thing.  After all, what control do I really have over all of this?  None.  None at all.  The only one who has that control is God.  Recognizing that this fear is not from Him, but from the enemy, is one step toward the prayer and heart change I need to realize that I have no control.  That it is all God.  That He is bigger than the situation, bigger than me... bigger than everything and anything I could think of.  He is better at being in control than I would ever be.  And I just need to remember that.

And... I can do this.  I CAN do this.  I CAN. 

(now I sound a bit like the little engine that could)

Prayers and well wishes in the upcoming year!