Thankful Thursday

Click above for more Thankful Thursday posts.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
—Philippians 4:6

This verse strikes true to my heart. I wouldn't call myself a worry wart, but I do tend to get anxious about things, and when left unchecked, it makes life miserable. I believe God wants us to focus on those things we are thankful for. When we do this, we no longer are focusing on that which worries us, and the devil cannot get that foothold in our lives. So, being thankful is really worth a lot more than just saying "thanks". Being thankful is a heart thing, not just a verbal thing. It takes constant effort, especially when times are rough, to see things we are to be thankful for and to joyfully proclaim our thanks to Him who provides.

That said, I have a few odd things that I am genuinely thankful for.

I am thankful for the good cry I had last night. It was over something that shouldn't have caused me so much grief, as these things can always be fixed, but I was so upset by what "should have" instead of what "was", that I broke down. My poor husband was upset too because it was "his" mistake, and I was blaming myself... needless to say, it wasn't pretty. Why am I thankful for something so... difficult? It allowed me to get something off my chest that I haven't dealt with throughout this pregnancy. I'm terrified of becoming a mom (how that has anything to do with the problem that started the crying, I'm still not sure). I'm so scared I'll make mistakes and not focus on my child the way that I should. I let it all out... the fear of labor and delivery, the fear of changes in our life as a couple, the fear of this little life depending on us to make the right decisions and make sure they are fed, clothed, cared for... fear fear fear. Yes... I was anxious. I wouldn't allow myself to admit to it for so long, and now I did. It's off my chest. I was able to pray about it openly, and bare my heart to God. And my dear husband was so sweet this morning, laying my fears to rest. He believes we'll be fine parents, after all, we have God. He admitted his own fear, and that we just need to let life come day by day. And as for delivering, he believes, just as I do, that God will not give us anything we cannot handle (another verse... in 1 Corinthians, I think, 10:13, but am not certain). God let me feel and understand that He is here... he knows my fears, and he knows I'm not perfect and will make mistakes... but He is sufficient. He will provide, He is always listening, and He loves us so much that He will always be there to help us in whatever circumstance we face. So... yes. I'm thankful for my little breakdown yesterday.

I am thankful for the miscarriage I had a year ago. I am not happy that the baby had to die, and I grieved the loss of that child, but it changed me... for the better. I learned rather quickly that God was in control. That pregnancy, as short as it was, taught me prayer. I knew something wasn't right, and I thank God for that as it helped me to cope as well. He was there with me through it all... finding out the baby had already died and that I didn't just have a UTI, my body was going though what it had to, what it was made to do. Even the way we found out was a blessing. We had a 2 hour drive to get to the place for an ultrasound that was made for me immediately as things didn't seem quite right. I was oblivious... how, I don't know. My husband was able to go with me, another blessing. We were told afterward to head to see my doctor, and he waited after hours to tell us personally what had happened, and to tell us that it is alright to grieve. We found out only days before my body took care of itself. If they wouldn't have had the ultrasound right then, I would have been so terrified of what was happening. Instead, I knew, and with God's help I was able to grieve before everything happened. Even the miscarriage itself, while it was not a fun experience, it brought me closer to both God and my husband. I saw the support of my husband as he sat with me through the night, even knowing he would have to be up super early to take down the rest of the corn the next morning (I let him sleep in between when nothing was really happening, but he couldn't and stayed up with me most of the night, only getting 2 hours). I heard God speaking to me when I thought I couldn't handle any more... telling me what I needed to do, telling me what was happening. God revealed Himself to me that day in a way that I never would have been able to experience otherwise... and in a way, that is making the knowledge of going into labor, one of my greatest fears since childhood, an easier thing to deal with. I know God will be with me, I know he made my body, I know that my body is doing what it is designed to do... just as it did then. I am thankful for everything that happened through the miscarriage... and I am thankful that 3 months later I got pregnant yet again. God promised me that I would see this baby. I had miscarriage scares at 9 weeks again, but He promised, and He kept it. I am thankful for His promises... I know He will keep every single one... He always has. So, for all this, I'm thankful.

This week has been one filled with all sorts of things to be thankful for. We got a new cat on the farm that someone dropped off (and she is adorable and demands attention), we put up a hall decoration I've been wanting up for ages, I finished most everything for the nursery and it should be done by the end of the week... so I'm thankful for the things that we've gotten done. I'm thankful for my mother in law, who came over the other day and told me that I have an eye for design. Nothing boosts your confidence like a compliment. And I'm thankful that it's Thursday, and that I could post another Thankful Thursday.