The 52 Week Challenge Update

Time for an update on this challenge!  You can read more about it here.  Or, find the link directly to the blog where we are doing this here at My Wings are made of Faith.

This is not an easy journey!  Then again, most things worth doing aren't easy.  And this post... it is a lot longer than I was expecting it to get!

Continuing the Sugar Detox:
This is a very rough journey for me right now.  I am finding that it is difficult to make meals as I am completely exhausted, but if I want to eat something that doesn't contain sugar that is a 'meal' with the family, I have to make foods from scratch.  And I am not consuming enough calories.  The weight that I am, my physical activity levels, and the fact that I'm pregnant means I should be eating 2100 calories per day (actually, LoseIt puts it higher than that, since I still exercise daily).  I'm not even eating 1800.  And that is what I used to eat regularly before pregnancy.  So, I think that I am in essence starving my body.  I am finding it easier to just 'not eat' in favor of expending the energy making the food to eat.  I have almonds and cottage cheese to snack on, as well as a bunch of fruits and veggies.  I've been consuming a lot of hard boiled eggs and tuna straight from the can (ok... not a lot of tuna, but it's easier for lunches than cooking).  I'm still limiting my bread, but other grains are not something I'm interested in.  I still don't like rice.  I'm not sure why, but salmon is just 'yuck' to me this pregnancy.  I have to force it down.  I really want dairy, eggs, avocados and salsa.  I'm trying to eat more almonds as well.  Even some of the highly dense calorie foods just haven't been bringing me over the limit.  I'm finding it hard to focus my eyes on anything (seriously... I'm that exhausted), or exercise, or play with the kids or clean up after them... I have difficulty being creative, yet I long to work on crafts and organizing.  I have lots of work to do to prep this house for baby but zero energy to do so... and so, I'm napping... a lot.  And getting nothing done.  And stressing about that...

Which leads me to week 2.  Forgiving myself

I have been very hard on myself the last few months.  In October we had some major family drama... with one individual.  I snapped on them for what they were doing to my husband, to my family and family time, the farm, and to me.  I let them know exactly how I felt about what they were doing, and that I was not going to put up with them trying to make us feel guilty for the stuff they were doing to themselves.  Long story short, I have been made to feel guilty for my actions.  I have not been able to apologize to this individual because I will not permit them anywhere near me, nor my kids (I will not get into the reasons here... that is a whole different post which will probably never happen), and in all honesty, I do not believe I was actually in the wrong, but I hate conflict, so I automatically want to 'apologize'.  Christmas was changed specifically because of this incident as I said I was not letting my kids be in the same building as this person.  And although nothing has been said to me directly, I have heard 'through the grapevine' that this person blames me for everything.  I am the reason 'he didn't have a Christmas', even though he did go to his parents for Christmas.  The rest of the siblings chose to come on the day we were there rather than the day he was there.  Even my mother in law said things that let me know that she blames me and my 'pregnancy' for the reason the whole family wasn't together for Christmas.  This family being 'broken' is not my doing, but I'm not willing to just let things slide, so it's 'my' fault that problems are rising.  This individual has, from what I can tell, tried to put my own father against me... which would never work to begin with.  However, by bringing this back up just before Christmas, it brought all the memories of that evening back and that has caused me undo stress. 

So now I'm dealing with myself and my negative emotions that have just been continuing and continuing.  When I think I can finally forget, something comes up that brings it all back because it is not actually being dealt with properly.  I don't have closure.  And then I feel guilty for thinking about it again, because it is negative and I can't stress about this anymore.  I don't have the emotional capacity for this.  So I have mental breakdowns, and meltdowns, and cry over my house not being clean again, or about having left the farmbooks too long and having too many things to do at once, and I cannot handle it.  And then I feel guilty for listening to my body and napping instead of getting things done.

I am emotionally spent.  I have nothing left.  And I thought I had dealt with all this already.

I have found out that, when I have issues forgiving myself over something, it usually comes through in dreams.  When I was pregnant with our very first, I remember experiencing a terrifying fear of birth at some point, and the word 'abortion' crossed my mind.  I immediately removed the thought, knowing that it was Satan trying to come trip me up, as it were.  Weeks later, we found out that the baby had died, and within a week I would be having my own little 'labor and delivery' at home... only with no baby.

I blamed myself. 

I didn't blame myself for very long, or so I had thought.  I prayed and prayed and knew it was not my fault that the baby didn't survive, but the fact that that word had even crossed my mind made me feel such intense guilt, that somehow I didn't want that baby and that was the reason why they had died.  None of that makes any logical sense.  But when do emotions make logical sense?  The first few months I was pregnant with my daughter I had so many nightmares about miscarriage that I can't even begin to count them.  It was terrifying.  I had to come to grips with a few things, spend a massive amount of my time in prayer, and only then was that fear gone, dealt with, and my nightmares done.  My suffering over.

I've had many many nightmares regarding the individual we've had drama with over the last year.

I know that part of this is to keep me on my toes... to keep my family safe.  However, I cannot last on adrenaline.  I cannot keep up this battle within myself.  And I also realize that part of this is my body and mind trying to deal with what happened in the only way it knows how, since it isn't something I can gain closure on.  I've been physically ill due to what happened... and we were actually fearing for the baby (this one is a trooper, though).

But how does one forgive oneself for something like this, when you don't even know what you need to forgive?  How does one get rid of guilt over something that they shouldn't have guilt over?  How does one deal with 'Satan's guilt'?  I've prayed and prayed, and aside from trying really really hard to pray every time the thoughts enter my mind, I don't know what else to do.  I'm having a tough time with this. 

That said... I have already noticed that my emotions aren't as 'all over the place' this week.  I still have a hard time, but I haven't had the meltdowns regularly like before.  I have obviously started the healing process, even though, to me, it feels as though I have gotten nowhere since I'm still battling the same things.

Perhaps my time with God is helping me win this battle?  He has been helping me see that I am worth it... I am not alone... I am not unworthy... I will make mistakes, but He is my heavenly Father and will always be there for me. I am not Superwoman.   I am not meant to deal with this stuff alone.  None of us are.  But somehow, I have forgotten that, and I have been trying fruitlessly to take care of things myself.  I feel as though it is MY responsibility to fix MY problems.  I feel I have failed in some of my responsibilities in the home and on the farm, as a wife and as a mom, and that I have to somehow fix it myself, which I do not currently have the capacity for.  If I am criticized for anything (because I feel I need to do things really well, not perfect but as close to as I can), than I am not a proper wife and mom and I don't know what else to be right now.

God is my Father.  He loves me, just as I love my children.  Sure, they do things that make me shake my head, or feel frustration, or get upset, but I love them.  Watching them do day-to-day things makes me smile.  Seeing them smile about something as simple as a sunrise, or watching the wind blow the branches, or the moon in the sky, it makes me so proud.  And my Father is like that.  He delights in watching me just be me.  And somehow with the stresses of life, I have forgotten about that.  I needed the reminder.

So what if my house isn't immaculate right now?  I need to say 'No big deal'.  So what if I let my responsibilities slide a little as I take a break, or if things take me longer to do?  I'm still getting them done, they will still be there later.  I need to look at my accomplishments rather than my 'to-do list'.  And I need to set less things for myself to do.  I need to recognize what my physical body is capable of right now, and it is a lot less than it was capable of 6 or even 3 months ago. 

I still hate procrastination, but I'm seeing it for what it is right now.  I'm actually doing it as a means of avoiding stress.  Farm bookwork creates stress for me.  Every time.  I cannot deal with any more stress right now.  Therefore, I've been avoiding it.  I need to do it still, but I have to find a way to do so without the added stress.  How, I'm still not sure.  But God will help me figure it all out.

So as I sit and ponder the 'do I do bookwork or do I take a nap' question yet again, knowing that nap will inevitably win out since I can barely keep my eyes open, I need to remember who I am, that I have limitations, and that 'it is OK'.  And not feel guilty.  Or maybe I should say, not let the guilt that I start to feel overtake me as it isn't true guilt that will lead to anything fruitful, but Satan's guilt that will only hold me further back.  And if I fail to recognize it one day, that is fine too.  As long as I DO recognize it and change it asap.  God loves me when I succeed, and He loves me when I fail.  He is with me no matter what.  Now I need to stop fighting Him and fighting myself, and just let myself live.