I do not feel like a good person today. Somehow, everything I do makes someone snappy (either me or my husband... and when it's me I feel like a terrible person). Somehow, every decision I make doesn't sit right in my gut. Somehow... everything just feels so wrong. My world is turning upside down, and crying isn't going to fix any of it.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe it's a cry for help... or prayer, or something. I just don't know myself today. I can't do this. I don't feel secure in anything right now. What I have 'known' for so long is being ripped out, and I just don't have the capacity to handle it. I can't make my house work properly for my family, no matter how hard I try. Ideas are made, ideas are lost, new ones are created, and none of them feel right at all. I'm trying so hard to make things work, to reorganize, remix, refigure... but it seems like it's all for naught. I've packed away so many things today that I just don't know what is happening anymore. I have ideas to make my craft room/sewing room work, but I can't get my jigsaw working, I can't get things cut beyond what my small mitre saw can do, and I'm at a loss. I've done a lot in our house to organize things... and I have much more I really want to do, but I can't get there. I'm stuck.
And as for the bedrooms...
We were going to take our bedroom and turn it back into two bedrooms, as it was originally. It would work well, I figure. We put in an easy wall, no drywalling needed, where the wall used to be (difficult to explain here unless I have pics, which I don't, so I won't bother). Needless to say, simple. Probably only $50 cost total. Then we put a door back where the old door used to be. Well, we thought we had a door. Apparently not. Meaning we'd have to buy a door and frame. That's not too pricey for a 28" wide door. I've been reorganizing our bedroom closets, taking down our collections in our bookshelves and putting them all into storage, etc. Then the idea of having the kids share the downstairs spare room as a bedroom came up. That room is huge. Their current room is about 12x10? Maybe? If that? The room they'd move into if ours was split into two would only be a few inches shorter in the one direction, and has a walk in closet. No dresser needed... which brings about a LOT of space in the long run. Still cozy and would work fine. Our room would be a lot smaller, and everything in our current room closets would need removing to make way for our clothes, but it's totally doable, and in my opinion, cozy and nice. Nursery would become the nursery again, and I'd put our rocking chair back in, have everything set up for baby, etc. I liked the idea.
The spare room is huge. 15x15. With a deck door (which is now sealed with plastic as it was not installed correctly and you could feel the cold air coming in... badly... I really thank my parents for sealing that off! It will make a huge difference). The room is cold. It WAS full of 'stuff'' and I used it as my craft/sewing area for awhile. The office was being turned into a compatible space for this (my project that needs a jigsaw, you see, has halted my progress). It is a lovely room... but not for a bedroom. It's right by the front door of the house. It has more windows than any other room in our house (in fact, I'd say total window space is larger than that of the entire second floor all together). It is a living room. Our current living space has NO windows... just a deck door that leads into a workshop... I really do not like the idea of my 2 and 4 year old sharing that huge, cold, room as a bedroom. Not one bit. My parents figure I'd love it in the long run... but I just can't wrap my head around it. But moving us into that room means we'd share a room with the baby for a rather long time. Why? I'm not hiking it up a flight of stairs multiple times a night to nurse. And we found out quick with our son that sharing a room prevents any of us from sleeping through the night. The day we moved him into the same room as our daughter, all of us slept. All of us! And it took us ten months to figure that out.
I just don't know what to do. We're looking at buying a house, but nothing is standing out right now. We've looked at a few places, and while many of them are really nice, none feels right. There was one that did the first time we saw it... and then the second time we looked it just... didn't... something was off about it. Either way, it is still in the back of my mind because of that first viewing, but I just don't know anymore.
I want to trust God in all of this. My husband has been looking around and doing his research in a number of things (when I said I feel our world is turning upside down, I mean it), and I am trying my best to do what we feel God is leading... and yet... I don't know where He is leading us. I feel torn between so many different places right now, and I just don't know. I want to be ready for whatever is thrown our way, but I just don't know how to go about it. Decluttering is one thing we can do I suppose... and the second I start I feel like I must be the worlds worst pack rat. I have a million projects I wish to finish that have been started... and I don't know what to do with them all.
My workshop is now a mess... I cleaned and organized it earlier this month. My basement feels like a disaster (although I know it isn't TOO bad), and I cleared everything out of it a few weeks back before the plumber came in. These are rooms we hardly go into. I just feel like crying, as I can barely keep up with my kitchen, dining room, and office... rooms that need reorganizing and a frequent cleaning multiple times a day to stay sane. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I know, I'm ranting. I feel at a complete loss, though, and I just don't know how to deal. I'm trying to organize my thoughts... and I still feel as though I want to turn our one bedroom into two instead of turning that spare room into a bedroom... but it feels as though renos aren't a good idea, especially if we are looking to move. I just don't know when we'll move. Or even if we will. I feel like God wants me to be ready to stay for awhile yet, but that I'm also supposed to be ready to move at a moment's notice. I just want to cry.
And I'm due in three weeks. And that terrifies me. I'm NOT ready to have this baby!
I just don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable with anything right now. Not at all. And I feel that no matter what I am doing to try to make the situation work, it doesn't work. I know that isn't completely true, but it feels that way. I am not feeling secure. I am not feeling peace. I am not feeling safe. My house is not mine. And it only started to feel that way the last few months.
One really good thing about today though... we removed a lot from the house. It was mostly garbage, things I'd already said would be removed, and recycling, but still. Now if only I could bring myself to sell stuff online through facebook or something, maybe we'd be able to get rid of more.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Week 5: Read the Label
Week 5 of our Wholly Healing challenge is to read the labels on all our food before buying it. You can find the starting post on it on My Wings are Made of Faith, here.
She also has a lot of really good posts on her blog about food labels, some of the specific ingredients and what their effects are, and items you may not suspect having lots of toxic chemicals in them. I recommend taking a look!
I will honestly say that this week didn't look like it would be much of a challenge for me. I generally read all food labels anyway as I've been trained to do so since my dad could not eat MSG, and I discovered for myself that I also had a low tolerance of that additive. So, we scanned all labels for MSG when shopping since I can remember. I remember reading a book that had a list of names tha MSG would fall under... I don't know the list myself, but at that point I really started to look at food labels closer and just avoided putting things into my cart that had ingredients I didn't recognize, or couldn't pronounce. I even started viewing skin creams and lotions as my eczema was reacting to so many things as well. I can proudly say that I no longer use hand lotion... at all. Instead, we use baby oil (the one that contains nothing more than mineral oil), an eczema specific body butter (with only three ingredients, all of which are natural and non-toxic), and on occasion, avocados, or the skin of a banana peel (no joke... look it up, it can heal all sorts of interesting skin issues).
I'm really looking at 'banning' sun lotion in our house as well, as it contains all sorts of known carcinogens (parabens, anyone?) and the kids will not be getting it on them either. I'll have to find some other forms of protection, I'm sure, but for now drinking lots of water and wearing hats, and sticking to shady areas has helped immensly. Kids vitamins contain garbage as well! It's scary! And all that baby food... I will be making baby food with this baby again. I did it as much as I could bear with the other two. Well, for my son I was at the point of just mashing our foods with a fork instead of doing the whole 'blender' thing. Way easier, and he didn't have any texture issues.
However, this whole 'reading labels' thing means I'm finding even more foods that I am not comfortable getting anymore... and that means making more things in my kitchen. Including the idea of making my own lotions/creams/cleansers/toothpaste/laundry soap... yeah. I'm sort of ok with it if it means only making it once in a long time, and lasts a long time... and costs less. Which it looks like it will for a lot of things. But the time... I am finding less and less time to do things for myself anymore.
I also recently watched a documentary called "Hungry for Change". It's actually really good! I enjoyed watching it, and learning from it. I recommend it! It brings food into perspective. I think the biggest thing I liked about it was it saying that these companies don't actually care about the people they are feeding. All they care about is making money. So they add things to make you an addict to their product, so they can keep you as a customer. There were many other interesting things talked about (like the whole FDA approval and whatnot... I seriously recommend watching this).
Anyway, this leads me back to week one of our challenge... yeah, I'll be updating on that regularly.
I've noticed a number of other changes in my body over the last week or so... things that may have already been happening that I just didn't take any note of at all until now. I don't actually need to use lotion. Usually in winter my skin is so dry, and with how cold things have been, I would suspect that this year would be really bad, but it isn't. I have also noticed my feet look better! Yeah, sounds strange, but it's true. My nails have been growing longer (to the point that I forgot to clip them, and they were so long that one finally broke and I HAD to clip them all). My hair doesn't seem to be benefitting much yet... and I know I should probably change my shampoo/etc. And get a haircut.
Another thing I have noticed... and this one will sound... strange. I don't have gas anymore. Yeah... gross, I know, but I don't! I have heartburn still, but no intestinal distress! It's incredible! I don't think I want to eat sugar again if this is what it means! And I want to change things so we are even healthier in our home... like less flour. But it is not going to be easy.
So, that's the lowdown. The whole food thing is really interesting to me, and I think that eating it in the form God created it in, or at least as close to that form as we can, is best for our bodies! Too bad the rest of the world is so focussed on money to see that they are destroying human bodies by creating 'food like products' that are slowly killing us not only physically, but mentally and emotionally... and spiritually too.
So... I CAN eat these foods, if I wish. But... I don't want to anymore. What a revelation!
She also has a lot of really good posts on her blog about food labels, some of the specific ingredients and what their effects are, and items you may not suspect having lots of toxic chemicals in them. I recommend taking a look!
I will honestly say that this week didn't look like it would be much of a challenge for me. I generally read all food labels anyway as I've been trained to do so since my dad could not eat MSG, and I discovered for myself that I also had a low tolerance of that additive. So, we scanned all labels for MSG when shopping since I can remember. I remember reading a book that had a list of names tha MSG would fall under... I don't know the list myself, but at that point I really started to look at food labels closer and just avoided putting things into my cart that had ingredients I didn't recognize, or couldn't pronounce. I even started viewing skin creams and lotions as my eczema was reacting to so many things as well. I can proudly say that I no longer use hand lotion... at all. Instead, we use baby oil (the one that contains nothing more than mineral oil), an eczema specific body butter (with only three ingredients, all of which are natural and non-toxic), and on occasion, avocados, or the skin of a banana peel (no joke... look it up, it can heal all sorts of interesting skin issues).
I'm really looking at 'banning' sun lotion in our house as well, as it contains all sorts of known carcinogens (parabens, anyone?) and the kids will not be getting it on them either. I'll have to find some other forms of protection, I'm sure, but for now drinking lots of water and wearing hats, and sticking to shady areas has helped immensly. Kids vitamins contain garbage as well! It's scary! And all that baby food... I will be making baby food with this baby again. I did it as much as I could bear with the other two. Well, for my son I was at the point of just mashing our foods with a fork instead of doing the whole 'blender' thing. Way easier, and he didn't have any texture issues.
However, this whole 'reading labels' thing means I'm finding even more foods that I am not comfortable getting anymore... and that means making more things in my kitchen. Including the idea of making my own lotions/creams/cleansers/toothpaste/laundry soap... yeah. I'm sort of ok with it if it means only making it once in a long time, and lasts a long time... and costs less. Which it looks like it will for a lot of things. But the time... I am finding less and less time to do things for myself anymore.
I also recently watched a documentary called "Hungry for Change". It's actually really good! I enjoyed watching it, and learning from it. I recommend it! It brings food into perspective. I think the biggest thing I liked about it was it saying that these companies don't actually care about the people they are feeding. All they care about is making money. So they add things to make you an addict to their product, so they can keep you as a customer. There were many other interesting things talked about (like the whole FDA approval and whatnot... I seriously recommend watching this).
Anyway, this leads me back to week one of our challenge... yeah, I'll be updating on that regularly.
I've noticed a number of other changes in my body over the last week or so... things that may have already been happening that I just didn't take any note of at all until now. I don't actually need to use lotion. Usually in winter my skin is so dry, and with how cold things have been, I would suspect that this year would be really bad, but it isn't. I have also noticed my feet look better! Yeah, sounds strange, but it's true. My nails have been growing longer (to the point that I forgot to clip them, and they were so long that one finally broke and I HAD to clip them all). My hair doesn't seem to be benefitting much yet... and I know I should probably change my shampoo/etc. And get a haircut.
Another thing I have noticed... and this one will sound... strange. I don't have gas anymore. Yeah... gross, I know, but I don't! I have heartburn still, but no intestinal distress! It's incredible! I don't think I want to eat sugar again if this is what it means! And I want to change things so we are even healthier in our home... like less flour. But it is not going to be easy.
So, that's the lowdown. The whole food thing is really interesting to me, and I think that eating it in the form God created it in, or at least as close to that form as we can, is best for our bodies! Too bad the rest of the world is so focussed on money to see that they are destroying human bodies by creating 'food like products' that are slowly killing us not only physically, but mentally and emotionally... and spiritually too.
So... I CAN eat these foods, if I wish. But... I don't want to anymore. What a revelation!
Week 4: Do not Fear
I will recap on the other weeks on my next post about week 5.
Last week (from Jan 21-27) was focusing on letting go of our fears. It took me a lot longer to actually do this one than I'd have liked. I'm not exactly sure why, but I was praying in the beginning of the week for God to reveal my fears to me, and he did.
I used to struggle with fear constantly. I was always afraid of something, mainly letting people down, or not doing well enough at something in particular, not knowing something, looking silly, that sort of thing. I managed to get over much of my fears from my adolescence later on in life, and realized that my fears did not permit me to move forward as I could have, and should have. They held me back. I did not experience the many blessings in certain areas of my life that I could have, due to these fears.
Through God's help, I managed to fight off many of those fears that held me back as I entered university, then marriage, and eventually motherhood.
My greatest fear was of childbirth. It has always been one of the biggest fear issues for me. Well, once you are pregnant, you really have no choice but to go through childbirth, in one form or another. That is the nature of things. I remember when I was pregnant with our daughter, as we grew closer and closer to the due date, the thoughts that went through my mind. I became paralyzed with the fear of labor and delivery. How on EARTH was I to push a 7lb or more baby out? Seriously, it made no sense to me! I know women have been doing this since creation, but it still baffled me. How? And not only the how, but my goodness, the pain stories, the horror stories of things going wrong, the stories stories stories... I was terrified. But each passing day, I was that much closer to discovering it for myself. I finally had a complete mental breakdown one day, acknowledging my fears (finally... I had been pushing them aside for so long thinking I was being silly), and through it all, God told me that He was ultimately in control. It didn't matter if I understood, or if I knew when or how or what or anything. All that mattered was trusting Him to show me what to do, when. Trusting that He made me in this way, and my body would do exactly as it was made to do.
So... I did. I had no choice. And everything worked out fine in the end!
I didn't fear things with my son.
Fear has been coming back to haunt me lately, however. And not just of childbirth. You'd think I'd be fine with things, considering I have two healthy beautiful children already, but I'm not. I'm terrified. I don't know when, I don't know if I'm ready, I'm scared the house isn't prepared, that I will be too tired to do anything after baby is born, etc etc. I'm just... scared. And it is all out of my control. So what can I do? All I can do is trust, and I'm having a hard time with that for some reason.
As if all this wasn't enough, we have other rather huge financial decisions on our laps right now... things that will completely change our future as a family, and the stresses of dealing with that and the decisions we need to make... I am so afraid of making the wrong one. I am afraid of what will happen with a house or a job, everything. Will we be all right? Will we be able to make ends meet? Will our family be better off here or here? God, where are you in all this? Where are You leading us? Which decision is Yours? Through this week, I have discovered that I really do trust that God will lead us to make the best decision, that God's way is the best way... but what I don't trust is myself. Am I hearing Him, or me? How do I know I'm choosing the right way? How CAN I know? I am so confused, and my emotions, the stress of everything, and the chemical changes due to pregnancy aren't helping. I know God's way is best, and I believe that with everything... but I don't know if I am hearing Him, or me. And I don't want to do what I want...
Sounds confusing? Yeah... me too.
So, we pray. And pray. And pray some more. We feel that this path is right, but maybe not right now? So we are preparing for both scenarios... which is not an easy task. Especially with a baby coming. But we are preparing... 'feet fitted with the boots of readiness that comes from the gospel of peace'. As long as we are ready for either-or, and don't get too comfortable with only one choice or the other, I think we'll be OK. Then, when God says 'it's time for you to take this step', and if we've been praying and following Him, we'll know. And we can do it.
I'm just so afraid of missing His call. I don't want to miss it.
So... I need to trust that He will make things known to us in His time. And that is hard somehow for me to do. But I will try, and I will continue to pray that He will make it known to us.
As for my other major fear right now... labour and delivery is inevitable. I don't know when, and I don't know what this one will look like exactly, but I know He is with me, and I know He will help me, just as He always has. So, really, I have nothing to fear. Now if only I could move that head knowledge to the rest of me. It will take time again... but I'm sure it will happen. It always does... just in time.
Last week (from Jan 21-27) was focusing on letting go of our fears. It took me a lot longer to actually do this one than I'd have liked. I'm not exactly sure why, but I was praying in the beginning of the week for God to reveal my fears to me, and he did.
I used to struggle with fear constantly. I was always afraid of something, mainly letting people down, or not doing well enough at something in particular, not knowing something, looking silly, that sort of thing. I managed to get over much of my fears from my adolescence later on in life, and realized that my fears did not permit me to move forward as I could have, and should have. They held me back. I did not experience the many blessings in certain areas of my life that I could have, due to these fears.
Through God's help, I managed to fight off many of those fears that held me back as I entered university, then marriage, and eventually motherhood.
My greatest fear was of childbirth. It has always been one of the biggest fear issues for me. Well, once you are pregnant, you really have no choice but to go through childbirth, in one form or another. That is the nature of things. I remember when I was pregnant with our daughter, as we grew closer and closer to the due date, the thoughts that went through my mind. I became paralyzed with the fear of labor and delivery. How on EARTH was I to push a 7lb or more baby out? Seriously, it made no sense to me! I know women have been doing this since creation, but it still baffled me. How? And not only the how, but my goodness, the pain stories, the horror stories of things going wrong, the stories stories stories... I was terrified. But each passing day, I was that much closer to discovering it for myself. I finally had a complete mental breakdown one day, acknowledging my fears (finally... I had been pushing them aside for so long thinking I was being silly), and through it all, God told me that He was ultimately in control. It didn't matter if I understood, or if I knew when or how or what or anything. All that mattered was trusting Him to show me what to do, when. Trusting that He made me in this way, and my body would do exactly as it was made to do.
So... I did. I had no choice. And everything worked out fine in the end!
I didn't fear things with my son.
Fear has been coming back to haunt me lately, however. And not just of childbirth. You'd think I'd be fine with things, considering I have two healthy beautiful children already, but I'm not. I'm terrified. I don't know when, I don't know if I'm ready, I'm scared the house isn't prepared, that I will be too tired to do anything after baby is born, etc etc. I'm just... scared. And it is all out of my control. So what can I do? All I can do is trust, and I'm having a hard time with that for some reason.
As if all this wasn't enough, we have other rather huge financial decisions on our laps right now... things that will completely change our future as a family, and the stresses of dealing with that and the decisions we need to make... I am so afraid of making the wrong one. I am afraid of what will happen with a house or a job, everything. Will we be all right? Will we be able to make ends meet? Will our family be better off here or here? God, where are you in all this? Where are You leading us? Which decision is Yours? Through this week, I have discovered that I really do trust that God will lead us to make the best decision, that God's way is the best way... but what I don't trust is myself. Am I hearing Him, or me? How do I know I'm choosing the right way? How CAN I know? I am so confused, and my emotions, the stress of everything, and the chemical changes due to pregnancy aren't helping. I know God's way is best, and I believe that with everything... but I don't know if I am hearing Him, or me. And I don't want to do what I want...
Sounds confusing? Yeah... me too.
So, we pray. And pray. And pray some more. We feel that this path is right, but maybe not right now? So we are preparing for both scenarios... which is not an easy task. Especially with a baby coming. But we are preparing... 'feet fitted with the boots of readiness that comes from the gospel of peace'. As long as we are ready for either-or, and don't get too comfortable with only one choice or the other, I think we'll be OK. Then, when God says 'it's time for you to take this step', and if we've been praying and following Him, we'll know. And we can do it.
I'm just so afraid of missing His call. I don't want to miss it.
So... I need to trust that He will make things known to us in His time. And that is hard somehow for me to do. But I will try, and I will continue to pray that He will make it known to us.
As for my other major fear right now... labour and delivery is inevitable. I don't know when, and I don't know what this one will look like exactly, but I know He is with me, and I know He will help me, just as He always has. So, really, I have nothing to fear. Now if only I could move that head knowledge to the rest of me. It will take time again... but I'm sure it will happen. It always does... just in time.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Week 3 - The armor of God
So, a while back we finished week 3 of the 52 week challenge. I know I was going to come on and recap more often, but things have been really busy in the house. Prepping my own food for every meal and trying to start freezing meals for when baby comes is proving to take up a lot of my time... and energy. Baby feels to have dropped a bit, making getting up and down a task and a half, haha.
Remember week 1? No sugar? I am not struggling with this one so much anymore. I haven't gained any weight over the last three weeks (which suprised me as usually I gain about a lb a week in the last two months of pregnancy), and am eating much healthier. The weight is shifting to belly as baby grows, and their movements are stronger and more frequent. No sugar lows anymore, which is wonderful, and I do not actually crave sugary things anymore (besides dark chocolate... I did cave one day and ate a piece). I'm spending a lot more time in my kitchen however, which I'm not so sure I care for right now as I'd like to get into my workshop and build a desk extension for a crafting and sewing space in my office... but I'm happy to be making healthier foods which not only benefit me, but my whole family.
Week 2 was forgiving oneself. I am happy to report that many of the issues I was having have pretty much gone! I still have to stop myself on occasion, but realizing what my problem was was half the battle! I no longer have nightmares about this individual (yay!) and I only have 'breakdowns' when forcing myself to do farmbooks (which cause me stress no matter what I try to do it seems). My husband has noticed a difference in my emotional capacity to handle things as well, and although still exhausted and stressed (haven't been sleeping properly the last while), I'm not crying over every little thing any more. At least, not as often as I was... :)
Anyway, week 3 was to put on the armor of God each morning... from Ephesians 6. You can find the starting post on it on My Wings are Made of Faith, here.
Wow.
I have often struggled with the prospect of actually putting on the armor of God. I mean, knowing what it is is one thing, but how do you actually put on such an armor? This week, God has revealed bits and pieces of his armor to me and they've taken on new meaning.
First, I needed to remember the verses so I could think about them throughout the day. I'd memorized this passage many years ago, and I'm so thankful for that as it has helped me tremendously in remembering what the armor of God is. Then, I just prayed that God would help me put on this armor, and as I did so he daily revealed something new to me.
I know it is probably different for everyone, but this is what I've found.
The Belt of Truth - We are first told to gird the belt of truth around our waist. I just always looked at this as 'a belt of truth', but never really thought about the item or what it really was. We use belts to hold up our pants. Rather embarrassing to have the pants fall down, right? Well, I figured that God was telling me that the truth, even if it may seem embarrassing, is actually much more effective at keeping our integrety intact than not telling the truth. Seems simple enough. And really, we already know that, right? The other thing He brought to mind goes along the same lines of the things we are to think about (whatever is true, noble, kind, pure, excellent, praiseworthy... etc). The belt sits around our waist, just above our large intestine... whose main focus is to digest our food. It expells the waste while filtering out the good stuff and sending it through the intestine walls to the blood, which then feeds our bodies. I know belts don't usually associate with intestines, but I found this striking revelation. I need to do like my intestine does... whatever I'm fed I need to digest, look at what is true, and what is not, and use the truth to 'feed' my body/mind/heart while discarding the rest. That's a lot of work for a belt to do, and it probably seems like one of the least important parts of 'armor' when you look at it. However, it must have been mentioned first for a reason.
The Breastplate of Righteousness- A breastplate covers some of our most vital organs. I felt that God was telling me that I needed to remember that His righteousness covers me and protects me. I have nothing to fear. I am saved, and His righteousness covers me.
The Boots of Readiness from the Gospel of Peace- This was another item I've always struggled with. I've never really tried to understand it. However, I felt that we are in a place in our lives right now where this one really hit home. Readiness... boots of readiness. I need to be ready to follow my Lord wherever He leads, on His time, when He says. Right now, I am in a place where I dont know what we are supposed to do next, and I don't know when things are going to happen. This is a very difficult thing for me. I've been doing what I can to prepare for one thing or the other... both, actually. We don't know if we'll be moving... so I'm prepping this house for when baby comes in such a way that I'm not attached. I'm also reorganizing and working with our current items to ready them for a quick packing, if it is so needed. I felt relief when realizing what the boots of readiness really are. I will follow God, and by doing so I will feel peace. I will walk in peace, knowing that his leading is where I need to go. If I do not feel peace, I need to stop, re-evaluate, and find out if I'm actually following Him or my own agenda.
The Shield of Faith- This one stuck out as well. When you hold a shield, where do you hold it? In front of you! It does no good at 'quenching the fiery arrows of the evil one' if it's beside or behind you. So, no matter where I go, I need to make sure my Faith in God and in his leading of me is before me... or else when the darts come flying, I'll shy away.
The Helmet of Salvation- This one was simple. No matter what, I am secure in the knowledge of my salvation in Christ. I am saved, no matter how many mistakes I make, no matter what I do. He loves me, He saved me, and I need not fear.
The Sword of the Spirit- The only offensive weapon. The Word of God. I need to know his Word, and I need to dwell on it so I can strike down the evil one when he attacks me close range. Only the Word will be able to remove him. I can stand there and use all the other armor pieces to protect myself, but even the strongest of warriors with no weapon will become exhausted... and none of the armor pieces protects my back. So, I need the Word of God to be my sword so I can cut down the enemy and triumph.
I am so happy to see these pieces of armor take on meaning for me! I'm sure the meanings will change and adjust as my life does to bring new things to light as new challenges face me, but right now I am thrilled to be able to put on the armor each morning, knowing what it means for me. I may fail some days, I may not remember all the pieces, but I will try, and God will help me.
Here is Wings of Faith week 3 recap.
Week 4 is Do Not Fear. I have been having a tougher time getting started on this one... but God has been revealing my fears to me through the week. I hope to take some time to sit down and work on this one today during the kids nap time. I need to do this more than nap myself, haha.
Remember week 1? No sugar? I am not struggling with this one so much anymore. I haven't gained any weight over the last three weeks (which suprised me as usually I gain about a lb a week in the last two months of pregnancy), and am eating much healthier. The weight is shifting to belly as baby grows, and their movements are stronger and more frequent. No sugar lows anymore, which is wonderful, and I do not actually crave sugary things anymore (besides dark chocolate... I did cave one day and ate a piece). I'm spending a lot more time in my kitchen however, which I'm not so sure I care for right now as I'd like to get into my workshop and build a desk extension for a crafting and sewing space in my office... but I'm happy to be making healthier foods which not only benefit me, but my whole family.
Week 2 was forgiving oneself. I am happy to report that many of the issues I was having have pretty much gone! I still have to stop myself on occasion, but realizing what my problem was was half the battle! I no longer have nightmares about this individual (yay!) and I only have 'breakdowns' when forcing myself to do farmbooks (which cause me stress no matter what I try to do it seems). My husband has noticed a difference in my emotional capacity to handle things as well, and although still exhausted and stressed (haven't been sleeping properly the last while), I'm not crying over every little thing any more. At least, not as often as I was... :)
Anyway, week 3 was to put on the armor of God each morning... from Ephesians 6. You can find the starting post on it on My Wings are Made of Faith, here.
Wow.
I have often struggled with the prospect of actually putting on the armor of God. I mean, knowing what it is is one thing, but how do you actually put on such an armor? This week, God has revealed bits and pieces of his armor to me and they've taken on new meaning.
First, I needed to remember the verses so I could think about them throughout the day. I'd memorized this passage many years ago, and I'm so thankful for that as it has helped me tremendously in remembering what the armor of God is. Then, I just prayed that God would help me put on this armor, and as I did so he daily revealed something new to me.
I know it is probably different for everyone, but this is what I've found.
The Belt of Truth - We are first told to gird the belt of truth around our waist. I just always looked at this as 'a belt of truth', but never really thought about the item or what it really was. We use belts to hold up our pants. Rather embarrassing to have the pants fall down, right? Well, I figured that God was telling me that the truth, even if it may seem embarrassing, is actually much more effective at keeping our integrety intact than not telling the truth. Seems simple enough. And really, we already know that, right? The other thing He brought to mind goes along the same lines of the things we are to think about (whatever is true, noble, kind, pure, excellent, praiseworthy... etc). The belt sits around our waist, just above our large intestine... whose main focus is to digest our food. It expells the waste while filtering out the good stuff and sending it through the intestine walls to the blood, which then feeds our bodies. I know belts don't usually associate with intestines, but I found this striking revelation. I need to do like my intestine does... whatever I'm fed I need to digest, look at what is true, and what is not, and use the truth to 'feed' my body/mind/heart while discarding the rest. That's a lot of work for a belt to do, and it probably seems like one of the least important parts of 'armor' when you look at it. However, it must have been mentioned first for a reason.
The Breastplate of Righteousness- A breastplate covers some of our most vital organs. I felt that God was telling me that I needed to remember that His righteousness covers me and protects me. I have nothing to fear. I am saved, and His righteousness covers me.
The Boots of Readiness from the Gospel of Peace- This was another item I've always struggled with. I've never really tried to understand it. However, I felt that we are in a place in our lives right now where this one really hit home. Readiness... boots of readiness. I need to be ready to follow my Lord wherever He leads, on His time, when He says. Right now, I am in a place where I dont know what we are supposed to do next, and I don't know when things are going to happen. This is a very difficult thing for me. I've been doing what I can to prepare for one thing or the other... both, actually. We don't know if we'll be moving... so I'm prepping this house for when baby comes in such a way that I'm not attached. I'm also reorganizing and working with our current items to ready them for a quick packing, if it is so needed. I felt relief when realizing what the boots of readiness really are. I will follow God, and by doing so I will feel peace. I will walk in peace, knowing that his leading is where I need to go. If I do not feel peace, I need to stop, re-evaluate, and find out if I'm actually following Him or my own agenda.
The Shield of Faith- This one stuck out as well. When you hold a shield, where do you hold it? In front of you! It does no good at 'quenching the fiery arrows of the evil one' if it's beside or behind you. So, no matter where I go, I need to make sure my Faith in God and in his leading of me is before me... or else when the darts come flying, I'll shy away.
The Helmet of Salvation- This one was simple. No matter what, I am secure in the knowledge of my salvation in Christ. I am saved, no matter how many mistakes I make, no matter what I do. He loves me, He saved me, and I need not fear.
The Sword of the Spirit- The only offensive weapon. The Word of God. I need to know his Word, and I need to dwell on it so I can strike down the evil one when he attacks me close range. Only the Word will be able to remove him. I can stand there and use all the other armor pieces to protect myself, but even the strongest of warriors with no weapon will become exhausted... and none of the armor pieces protects my back. So, I need the Word of God to be my sword so I can cut down the enemy and triumph.
I am so happy to see these pieces of armor take on meaning for me! I'm sure the meanings will change and adjust as my life does to bring new things to light as new challenges face me, but right now I am thrilled to be able to put on the armor each morning, knowing what it means for me. I may fail some days, I may not remember all the pieces, but I will try, and God will help me.
Here is Wings of Faith week 3 recap.
Week 4 is Do Not Fear. I have been having a tougher time getting started on this one... but God has been revealing my fears to me through the week. I hope to take some time to sit down and work on this one today during the kids nap time. I need to do this more than nap myself, haha.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
The 52 Week Challenge Update
Time for an update on this challenge! You can read more about it here. Or, find the link directly to the blog where we are doing this here at My Wings are made of Faith.
This is not an easy journey! Then again, most things worth doing aren't easy. And this post... it is a lot longer than I was expecting it to get!
Continuing the Sugar Detox:
This is a very rough journey for me right now. I am finding that it is difficult to make meals as I am completely exhausted, but if I want to eat something that doesn't contain sugar that is a 'meal' with the family, I have to make foods from scratch. And I am not consuming enough calories. The weight that I am, my physical activity levels, and the fact that I'm pregnant means I should be eating 2100 calories per day (actually, LoseIt puts it higher than that, since I still exercise daily). I'm not even eating 1800. And that is what I used to eat regularly before pregnancy. So, I think that I am in essence starving my body. I am finding it easier to just 'not eat' in favor of expending the energy making the food to eat. I have almonds and cottage cheese to snack on, as well as a bunch of fruits and veggies. I've been consuming a lot of hard boiled eggs and tuna straight from the can (ok... not a lot of tuna, but it's easier for lunches than cooking). I'm still limiting my bread, but other grains are not something I'm interested in. I still don't like rice. I'm not sure why, but salmon is just 'yuck' to me this pregnancy. I have to force it down. I really want dairy, eggs, avocados and salsa. I'm trying to eat more almonds as well. Even some of the highly dense calorie foods just haven't been bringing me over the limit. I'm finding it hard to focus my eyes on anything (seriously... I'm that exhausted), or exercise, or play with the kids or clean up after them... I have difficulty being creative, yet I long to work on crafts and organizing. I have lots of work to do to prep this house for baby but zero energy to do so... and so, I'm napping... a lot. And getting nothing done. And stressing about that...
Which leads me to week 2. Forgiving myself
I have been very hard on myself the last few months. In October we had some major family drama... with one individual. I snapped on them for what they were doing to my husband, to my family and family time, the farm, and to me. I let them know exactly how I felt about what they were doing, and that I was not going to put up with them trying to make us feel guilty for the stuff they were doing to themselves. Long story short, I have been made to feel guilty for my actions. I have not been able to apologize to this individual because I will not permit them anywhere near me, nor my kids (I will not get into the reasons here... that is a whole different post which will probably never happen), and in all honesty, I do not believe I was actually in the wrong, but I hate conflict, so I automatically want to 'apologize'. Christmas was changed specifically because of this incident as I said I was not letting my kids be in the same building as this person. And although nothing has been said to me directly, I have heard 'through the grapevine' that this person blames me for everything. I am the reason 'he didn't have a Christmas', even though he did go to his parents for Christmas. The rest of the siblings chose to come on the day we were there rather than the day he was there. Even my mother in law said things that let me know that she blames me and my 'pregnancy' for the reason the whole family wasn't together for Christmas. This family being 'broken' is not my doing, but I'm not willing to just let things slide, so it's 'my' fault that problems are rising. This individual has, from what I can tell, tried to put my own father against me... which would never work to begin with. However, by bringing this back up just before Christmas, it brought all the memories of that evening back and that has caused me undo stress.
So now I'm dealing with myself and my negative emotions that have just been continuing and continuing. When I think I can finally forget, something comes up that brings it all back because it is not actually being dealt with properly. I don't have closure. And then I feel guilty for thinking about it again, because it is negative and I can't stress about this anymore. I don't have the emotional capacity for this. So I have mental breakdowns, and meltdowns, and cry over my house not being clean again, or about having left the farmbooks too long and having too many things to do at once, and I cannot handle it. And then I feel guilty for listening to my body and napping instead of getting things done.
I am emotionally spent. I have nothing left. And I thought I had dealt with all this already.
I have found out that, when I have issues forgiving myself over something, it usually comes through in dreams. When I was pregnant with our very first, I remember experiencing a terrifying fear of birth at some point, and the word 'abortion' crossed my mind. I immediately removed the thought, knowing that it was Satan trying to come trip me up, as it were. Weeks later, we found out that the baby had died, and within a week I would be having my own little 'labor and delivery' at home... only with no baby.
I blamed myself.
I didn't blame myself for very long, or so I had thought. I prayed and prayed and knew it was not my fault that the baby didn't survive, but the fact that that word had even crossed my mind made me feel such intense guilt, that somehow I didn't want that baby and that was the reason why they had died. None of that makes any logical sense. But when do emotions make logical sense? The first few months I was pregnant with my daughter I had so many nightmares about miscarriage that I can't even begin to count them. It was terrifying. I had to come to grips with a few things, spend a massive amount of my time in prayer, and only then was that fear gone, dealt with, and my nightmares done. My suffering over.
I've had many many nightmares regarding the individual we've had drama with over the last year.
I know that part of this is to keep me on my toes... to keep my family safe. However, I cannot last on adrenaline. I cannot keep up this battle within myself. And I also realize that part of this is my body and mind trying to deal with what happened in the only way it knows how, since it isn't something I can gain closure on. I've been physically ill due to what happened... and we were actually fearing for the baby (this one is a trooper, though).
But how does one forgive oneself for something like this, when you don't even know what you need to forgive? How does one get rid of guilt over something that they shouldn't have guilt over? How does one deal with 'Satan's guilt'? I've prayed and prayed, and aside from trying really really hard to pray every time the thoughts enter my mind, I don't know what else to do. I'm having a tough time with this.
That said... I have already noticed that my emotions aren't as 'all over the place' this week. I still have a hard time, but I haven't had the meltdowns regularly like before. I have obviously started the healing process, even though, to me, it feels as though I have gotten nowhere since I'm still battling the same things.
Perhaps my time with God is helping me win this battle? He has been helping me see that I am worth it... I am not alone... I am not unworthy... I will make mistakes, but He is my heavenly Father and will always be there for me. I am not Superwoman. I am not meant to deal with this stuff alone. None of us are. But somehow, I have forgotten that, and I have been trying fruitlessly to take care of things myself. I feel as though it is MY responsibility to fix MY problems. I feel I have failed in some of my responsibilities in the home and on the farm, as a wife and as a mom, and that I have to somehow fix it myself, which I do not currently have the capacity for. If I am criticized for anything (because I feel I need to do things really well, not perfect but as close to as I can), than I am not a proper wife and mom and I don't know what else to be right now.
God is my Father. He loves me, just as I love my children. Sure, they do things that make me shake my head, or feel frustration, or get upset, but I love them. Watching them do day-to-day things makes me smile. Seeing them smile about something as simple as a sunrise, or watching the wind blow the branches, or the moon in the sky, it makes me so proud. And my Father is like that. He delights in watching me just be me. And somehow with the stresses of life, I have forgotten about that. I needed the reminder.
So what if my house isn't immaculate right now? I need to say 'No big deal'. So what if I let my responsibilities slide a little as I take a break, or if things take me longer to do? I'm still getting them done, they will still be there later. I need to look at my accomplishments rather than my 'to-do list'. And I need to set less things for myself to do. I need to recognize what my physical body is capable of right now, and it is a lot less than it was capable of 6 or even 3 months ago.
I still hate procrastination, but I'm seeing it for what it is right now. I'm actually doing it as a means of avoiding stress. Farm bookwork creates stress for me. Every time. I cannot deal with any more stress right now. Therefore, I've been avoiding it. I need to do it still, but I have to find a way to do so without the added stress. How, I'm still not sure. But God will help me figure it all out.
So as I sit and ponder the 'do I do bookwork or do I take a nap' question yet again, knowing that nap will inevitably win out since I can barely keep my eyes open, I need to remember who I am, that I have limitations, and that 'it is OK'. And not feel guilty. Or maybe I should say, not let the guilt that I start to feel overtake me as it isn't true guilt that will lead to anything fruitful, but Satan's guilt that will only hold me further back. And if I fail to recognize it one day, that is fine too. As long as I DO recognize it and change it asap. God loves me when I succeed, and He loves me when I fail. He is with me no matter what. Now I need to stop fighting Him and fighting myself, and just let myself live.
This is not an easy journey! Then again, most things worth doing aren't easy. And this post... it is a lot longer than I was expecting it to get!
Continuing the Sugar Detox:
This is a very rough journey for me right now. I am finding that it is difficult to make meals as I am completely exhausted, but if I want to eat something that doesn't contain sugar that is a 'meal' with the family, I have to make foods from scratch. And I am not consuming enough calories. The weight that I am, my physical activity levels, and the fact that I'm pregnant means I should be eating 2100 calories per day (actually, LoseIt puts it higher than that, since I still exercise daily). I'm not even eating 1800. And that is what I used to eat regularly before pregnancy. So, I think that I am in essence starving my body. I am finding it easier to just 'not eat' in favor of expending the energy making the food to eat. I have almonds and cottage cheese to snack on, as well as a bunch of fruits and veggies. I've been consuming a lot of hard boiled eggs and tuna straight from the can (ok... not a lot of tuna, but it's easier for lunches than cooking). I'm still limiting my bread, but other grains are not something I'm interested in. I still don't like rice. I'm not sure why, but salmon is just 'yuck' to me this pregnancy. I have to force it down. I really want dairy, eggs, avocados and salsa. I'm trying to eat more almonds as well. Even some of the highly dense calorie foods just haven't been bringing me over the limit. I'm finding it hard to focus my eyes on anything (seriously... I'm that exhausted), or exercise, or play with the kids or clean up after them... I have difficulty being creative, yet I long to work on crafts and organizing. I have lots of work to do to prep this house for baby but zero energy to do so... and so, I'm napping... a lot. And getting nothing done. And stressing about that...
Which leads me to week 2. Forgiving myself
I have been very hard on myself the last few months. In October we had some major family drama... with one individual. I snapped on them for what they were doing to my husband, to my family and family time, the farm, and to me. I let them know exactly how I felt about what they were doing, and that I was not going to put up with them trying to make us feel guilty for the stuff they were doing to themselves. Long story short, I have been made to feel guilty for my actions. I have not been able to apologize to this individual because I will not permit them anywhere near me, nor my kids (I will not get into the reasons here... that is a whole different post which will probably never happen), and in all honesty, I do not believe I was actually in the wrong, but I hate conflict, so I automatically want to 'apologize'. Christmas was changed specifically because of this incident as I said I was not letting my kids be in the same building as this person. And although nothing has been said to me directly, I have heard 'through the grapevine' that this person blames me for everything. I am the reason 'he didn't have a Christmas', even though he did go to his parents for Christmas. The rest of the siblings chose to come on the day we were there rather than the day he was there. Even my mother in law said things that let me know that she blames me and my 'pregnancy' for the reason the whole family wasn't together for Christmas. This family being 'broken' is not my doing, but I'm not willing to just let things slide, so it's 'my' fault that problems are rising. This individual has, from what I can tell, tried to put my own father against me... which would never work to begin with. However, by bringing this back up just before Christmas, it brought all the memories of that evening back and that has caused me undo stress.
So now I'm dealing with myself and my negative emotions that have just been continuing and continuing. When I think I can finally forget, something comes up that brings it all back because it is not actually being dealt with properly. I don't have closure. And then I feel guilty for thinking about it again, because it is negative and I can't stress about this anymore. I don't have the emotional capacity for this. So I have mental breakdowns, and meltdowns, and cry over my house not being clean again, or about having left the farmbooks too long and having too many things to do at once, and I cannot handle it. And then I feel guilty for listening to my body and napping instead of getting things done.
I am emotionally spent. I have nothing left. And I thought I had dealt with all this already.
I have found out that, when I have issues forgiving myself over something, it usually comes through in dreams. When I was pregnant with our very first, I remember experiencing a terrifying fear of birth at some point, and the word 'abortion' crossed my mind. I immediately removed the thought, knowing that it was Satan trying to come trip me up, as it were. Weeks later, we found out that the baby had died, and within a week I would be having my own little 'labor and delivery' at home... only with no baby.
I blamed myself.
I didn't blame myself for very long, or so I had thought. I prayed and prayed and knew it was not my fault that the baby didn't survive, but the fact that that word had even crossed my mind made me feel such intense guilt, that somehow I didn't want that baby and that was the reason why they had died. None of that makes any logical sense. But when do emotions make logical sense? The first few months I was pregnant with my daughter I had so many nightmares about miscarriage that I can't even begin to count them. It was terrifying. I had to come to grips with a few things, spend a massive amount of my time in prayer, and only then was that fear gone, dealt with, and my nightmares done. My suffering over.
I've had many many nightmares regarding the individual we've had drama with over the last year.
I know that part of this is to keep me on my toes... to keep my family safe. However, I cannot last on adrenaline. I cannot keep up this battle within myself. And I also realize that part of this is my body and mind trying to deal with what happened in the only way it knows how, since it isn't something I can gain closure on. I've been physically ill due to what happened... and we were actually fearing for the baby (this one is a trooper, though).
But how does one forgive oneself for something like this, when you don't even know what you need to forgive? How does one get rid of guilt over something that they shouldn't have guilt over? How does one deal with 'Satan's guilt'? I've prayed and prayed, and aside from trying really really hard to pray every time the thoughts enter my mind, I don't know what else to do. I'm having a tough time with this.
That said... I have already noticed that my emotions aren't as 'all over the place' this week. I still have a hard time, but I haven't had the meltdowns regularly like before. I have obviously started the healing process, even though, to me, it feels as though I have gotten nowhere since I'm still battling the same things.
Perhaps my time with God is helping me win this battle? He has been helping me see that I am worth it... I am not alone... I am not unworthy... I will make mistakes, but He is my heavenly Father and will always be there for me. I am not Superwoman. I am not meant to deal with this stuff alone. None of us are. But somehow, I have forgotten that, and I have been trying fruitlessly to take care of things myself. I feel as though it is MY responsibility to fix MY problems. I feel I have failed in some of my responsibilities in the home and on the farm, as a wife and as a mom, and that I have to somehow fix it myself, which I do not currently have the capacity for. If I am criticized for anything (because I feel I need to do things really well, not perfect but as close to as I can), than I am not a proper wife and mom and I don't know what else to be right now.
God is my Father. He loves me, just as I love my children. Sure, they do things that make me shake my head, or feel frustration, or get upset, but I love them. Watching them do day-to-day things makes me smile. Seeing them smile about something as simple as a sunrise, or watching the wind blow the branches, or the moon in the sky, it makes me so proud. And my Father is like that. He delights in watching me just be me. And somehow with the stresses of life, I have forgotten about that. I needed the reminder.
So what if my house isn't immaculate right now? I need to say 'No big deal'. So what if I let my responsibilities slide a little as I take a break, or if things take me longer to do? I'm still getting them done, they will still be there later. I need to look at my accomplishments rather than my 'to-do list'. And I need to set less things for myself to do. I need to recognize what my physical body is capable of right now, and it is a lot less than it was capable of 6 or even 3 months ago.
I still hate procrastination, but I'm seeing it for what it is right now. I'm actually doing it as a means of avoiding stress. Farm bookwork creates stress for me. Every time. I cannot deal with any more stress right now. Therefore, I've been avoiding it. I need to do it still, but I have to find a way to do so without the added stress. How, I'm still not sure. But God will help me figure it all out.
So as I sit and ponder the 'do I do bookwork or do I take a nap' question yet again, knowing that nap will inevitably win out since I can barely keep my eyes open, I need to remember who I am, that I have limitations, and that 'it is OK'. And not feel guilty. Or maybe I should say, not let the guilt that I start to feel overtake me as it isn't true guilt that will lead to anything fruitful, but Satan's guilt that will only hold me further back. And if I fail to recognize it one day, that is fine too. As long as I DO recognize it and change it asap. God loves me when I succeed, and He loves me when I fail. He is with me no matter what. Now I need to stop fighting Him and fighting myself, and just let myself live.
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